August 16, 2018
It didn’t take much for me to feel like a mommy failure when I was just starting out on my parenthood journey and I know I’m not alone. The feeling creeps in when we struggle with breastfeeding, when we don’t have all the “right” gear, when we don’t have all the “right” information or when we don’t handle every situation perfectly.
“I handle multi-million dollar sales transactions on a daily basis. I sit in a conference room with other business leaders and can influence their decision-making at the drop of a hat. But getting my toddler to put on her shirt? Somehow, I fail every day at doing that without getting flustered and losing my cool. It’s so demoralizing. I’m scared of what I’ll mess up when she gets older and it really counts.”
Our friends, our parents, social media, our significant others – pressure and guilt can come from all sides, piling on a sense that it’s all or nothing. That good enough is never enough. That only the best will do. That we are mommy failures.
But the real secret to successful parenting is understanding and dealing with our own personal struggles and pain points, not pretending they don’t exist or acting like, if we just smile a little brighter, others won’t notice our humanity. Going to therapy, or to lactation or to our pediatrician for help. Understanding we are not as in control as we think we are most of the time. That sometimes we do our best and take all the classes and read all the books and IT STILL DOESN’T WORK. Taking a look at our own “weaknesses” and fears – these are the things that really make a difference.
Stop beating yourself up if you don’t always feel like you are the parent that you hoped that you would be. None of us are. Try your best. Deal with your own issues head-on, get the help you need to support yourself and give you the parenting tools that will allow you to rise above your most challenging days. Your children will thank you for it when they’re navigating their own parenting insecurities years down the road.
Want more solid parenting and mommy advice? Check out our free parenting resources here.
Need a great gift for a friend’s baby shower (or for your own baby registry)? Check out our book, The Newborn Baby Blueprint: Preparing to Care For Yourself and our Newborn Gift Boxes (in Boy, Girl, and Gender Neutral).
July 10, 2018
This weekend, I learned a powerful lesson in motherhood perspective. My family woke up stressed. Both my kids and my husband were going for a week to the coast with their grandparents while I stayed behind to work. The flight was scheduled for 11:45 a.m., so at 10:15 we were in high-gear trying to get everyone out the door and ready for the big adventure. Like it always goes, my husband and I were a bit curt with each other as one we tried to make last-minute additions to our suitcases and keep the kids occupied at the same time. My toddler kept pulling everything out of the luggage and throwing it up in the air with glee.
“Rain, mama!” she squealed.
“Feeling a little on edge?” my husband smirked as I sighed heavily in her direction and tried to pry her fingers off her make-believe tropical storm props.
Finally, we made it out the door but, closing our fence behind us, I saw something was missing. Something big. In fact, two things.
“Where are our cars?” My big girl asked.
I looked around, sure we had just forgotten where we parked them the night before but slowly it set in. Our cars were gone. Vanished without a trace. Kaplouf!
Yep, someone stole both of my cars right from in front of my house. Had we dropped the keys on our way in the night before? Our minds raced to retrace our steps.
As we scrambled to the airport in a taxi and started making calls to the police and our insurance company, my daughter burst out into tears.
“Someone took our cars? They took our things? Why would someone do that to me? I love our cars!”
(By the way, our cars are not fancy in the least, she just gets strongly attached to her stuff.)
I may not have been in tears, but I was feeling the same exact way: completely violated and totally helpless.
As we zipped along the highway, though, I realized I had a unique opportunity to reframe our situation, not only for my children but for myself.
First of all, I saw how petty and small-minded I had been when we were preparing for the trip earlier that morning. Yes, we’d had a plane to catch and yes, my baby was cramping my style and my schedule, but my level of annoyance was in no way commiserate with the level of inconvenience I was facing. It reminded me of how often I handle all the other situations I referee with my kids (squabbles, tantrums, and power-plays) in the same over-the-top, reactive way—and that I can choose to treat my kids’ infringements like life-threatening emergencies, reacting abruptly without perspective, or I can choose to treat them like the minor hiccups that they (usually are).
Second, I realized this was an amazing opportunity to teach my kids about prioritizing people over possessions. While my daughter worried about the loss of our vehicle, I worried about the loss of our financial security. My immediate thought was, “Do I have comprehensive coverage? How much will this cost me?” And, though those things are important, my child’s question about why someone would choose to take something that belongs to someone else helped me get to a place of deeper appreciation about what was NOT taken (my children), about what had NOT happened (a house break-in, a major car accident). Because she got so, understandably, focused on our things, it helped me pan out to the wider picture and end up….thankful.
Lastly, I was able to give my children some insight into why things get taken, opening the door to an in-the-moment conversation about how we prepare for emergencies, accidents, and mayhem. About why we save some money and set it aside just “in case.” About how there are people out there designated to help us when things go wrong. About how sometimes isn’t all about enjoying the roses, it’s also about overcoming the thorns, building resilience along the way.
It made me think back to when I was a new mom, working out the details of breastfeeding, trying to make sense of sleep cycles and colic. I remembered how easy it was in the small, stressful moments, to think small. About how much better motherhood got once I started looking at the big picture, focusing on coping with versus changing my new mom day-to-day reality. About how all of us, when we’re mothering, can’t control everything, but can control our perspectives.
Life’s not fair. It’s never going to be. And, while I’m not quite sure that “everything happens for a reason” applies to a robbery taking place literally in my front yard, the events of this past weekend, did, in the end, help me gain an even clearer vision of what’s important and what’s really not—and of how to teach my kids to understand why things ultimately don’t matter: the people we love do.
If you are a new mom or an expectant mom, getting perspective and having the right expectations is one of the most important things you can do.
Want more? Check out our book, The Newborn Baby Blueprint: Preparing to Care for Your Infant and Yourself.
Looking for baby registry or baby shower gifts? Check out our Newborn Baby Gift Boxes – in Boy, Girl, and Gender Neutral.
May 18, 2018
This month, I’ve been doing a lot. More than I usually do. And I’ve been getting a lot of questions for parenting advice about how I do it. On the surface it looks like I’m up to my ears promoting my book, staying active on social media and writing blog posts. I’ve also had a ton of questions about how I balance a side-business with my full-time physician job and my two young kids.
My secret weapon? The key to my sanity? I don’t do it all. I know that, if I did, I would be unhappy, stressed and, ultimately, not very successful at anything. Instead, I live by five guiding life and task management principles. You can, too, no matter if you’re a stay-at-home mom, a working woman or a mix of both. Here they are:
Prioritize Your Priorities
This may come as a shock but, it turns out, I am not Beyoncé. I do not have a full staff of assistants working for me, an unlimited budget, or a private jet. Nope, I have a real life with pressures and demands. Some demands and pressures loom a little larger than others, taking up more mental energy and time than they should. Instead of letting those demands run me, I try my best to keep them in check.
The best way to do that? (1) Have a super clear sense of my priorities. (2) Get clear in my own head about, not just what I have to do, but what I want to do. (3) Limit my 100% level efforts to my top three priorities and let the other items on the priority list act as icing on the cake. (4) Be honest comfortable enough in my own skin to care less about meeting others’ expectations of my priorities than about being true to my needs and goals. You can get more information here about our self-care survival guide and other free parenting resources.
Find a Passion
My daughter came leaping downstairs this morning, full to the brim with excitement. “Do you think I could strum my ukulele a few times before school?” she asked hopefully. I had to laugh. Usually, my girl is like a slumbering bear in the early hours (turns out she takes after me in more ways than one)—hard to wake, easily aggravated, and difficult to motivate. But something was different today. We signed her up for ukulele lessons last night and even bought her a used instrument, complete with a small wooden dolphin decoration and sparkles embedded in the paint. She found a passion. And passion changes everything.
Passion makes a difference for adults, too—particularly for moms and dads. Stuck in the day-to-day grind of parenting, the early months and years can feel like a never-evening cycle of drudgery—a song on repeat that keeps playing and playing. Our minds can get stuck in mental overload mode, even though they’re full only of the mundane. We can only take so many diaper changes, feeding sessions or nap attempts.
For me, working on my passion project (running a blog and writing a book) doesn’t really feel like work—it’s self-directed, I can do as much or as little as I want to do and it’s something I care about deeply. The same is true for most people who find a project to get excited about. Maybe your passion project is a cause you want to learn more about or be involved with, even if only virtually. Maybe your passion project is not a project at all—it’s exploring music lessons for yourself or nurturing your love of gardening. It doesn’t matter what it is or how big or small it is—it matters that you have something.
Focus on Your Strengths, Delegate the Rest
I’ll never receive an award for best housecleaner (or even a sixth-place consolation prize). Actually, my housecleaning skills are completely lacking. I’ve come to grips with this not so sad reality. Same goes for keeping close track of late start school days for my kid’s preschool, remembering to walk the dog or making lunches for myself to bring to work. You probably have some “weaknesses,” too. So what? Instead of spinning your wheels on to-do list items you’ll never get to or will never remember, delegate to the others in your house or in your proverbial village. When it’s financially feasible, hire a housecleaner. Put a partner in charge (it will be one of the best moves you ever make). Delegate, delegate, delegate and stop feeling so guilty that you’re not superwoman—no one is.
Take Full Advantage of Technology
Thank goodness we live in a modern world where, for a small fee, we can automate almost everything we do. I would wither on the vine if it were not for autopay and Amazon Prime. I also take advantage of healthy meal kit delivery systems like Sun Basket and One Potato, use my calendar reminders to keep me organized, and “read” almost everything in audiobook form.
Can technology be a negative force in your family, keeping you from spending focused, quality time with the ones you love? Sure it can. You have to treat your smartphone and your computer like the tools they are, not like the distraction they can often become.
Make Time for Self-Care
Ever notice how, when you take a weekend to unplug or even an hour to relax, you’re actually able to accomplish more in the hours or days to follow? Self-care (dedicated time spent caring for yourself—either alone or with others) is never a waste. Quite the opposite. When we re-group, relax or re-focus, we’re able to offer those who depend on us or who partner with us the very best of ourselves. We can be more present and more peaceful.
Trying to do it all or be it all? Please, please don’t. It’s such a waste of energy and it never works out how you hope it will. Something’s gotta give eventually. Instead, identify and live by your priorities, use the resources around you, and work first from your strengths. Your excellent example of imperfect balance will lead the way for your kids to eventually do the same.
New mom just starting out on your mom journey? Check out our book, The Newborn Baby Blueprint.
Looking for a baby shower or registry gift for yourself or a friend? Check out our Newborn Gift Boxes!
May 7, 2018
My house is anything but peaceful these days. The toys seem to multiply on the floor, despite my valiant attempts to keep them organized. The trash and recycling bins fill up with diapers and food scraps the moment I empty them. My kids are at high volume and high intensity most of the time. In fact, I would call it chaotic. With a preschooler and a toddler running around, we have our hands full (if you have young kids and could use some guidance, you can find our toddler tantrum guide here, by the way). Sound familiar?
Last night, my husband looked at me with weary eyes as we attempted to wrangle our girls at dinner. Our littlest was trying with all her might to stand on the table, the eldest whining bitterly about her vegetable options. “Why is it always like this with them?” he asked.
There are moments when I’m brought to tears by a question like that. At times I feel just as discouraged and tired of the constant mayhem our young girls bring to our lives as everyone else. I am by no means perfect at being peaceful. Take last week, when, after explaining to my big girl for about 20 minutes that she needed to pay attention to her sister’s signals and emotions, I almost lost it. (“Honey, when you hug her tightly and she screams in terror, she is trying to tell you she needs space.”)
But, I’ve learned a few parenting tips and tricks to stay peaceful and present when things get hectic (read: most days). Tricks that I wish someone had told me before I ever became a mommy in the first place.
Sure, there are zen master mamas out there who can’t imagine being bothered by the sounds of multiple screaming children. Or worst, multiple screaming children screaming in unison. Those ladies are few and far between. That’s definitely not me—if their tendency is toward calm, mine is toward mental overload. So, for all of us who weren’t born relaxed, getting more responsive to our babies or children (versus reactive) takes a whole lotta effort and practice. Why? It’s EASIER to get all riled up. It’s what our bodies do naturally, as part of a fight or flight response to perceived danger.
The only problem is, when our infants wail or our toddlers flop themselves on the ground in protest, even though it’s not usually an emergency or dangerous, our bodies can’t tell we have a false alarm on our hands. Instead, our bodies do what they normally do when we sense danger—our heart rates go up, our blood pressures rise, we get hyper-focused and intense.
It can take awhile to learn how to do that. So, if you’re a new parent (or even a parent-to-be already worked up about the whole kid thing), don’t throw in the towel right away if it takes you weeks, even months or years to get the hang of it. Read about how to get mindful. Practice, practice, practice. And forgive yourself when you mess up (‘cause you’re, inevitably, going to).
There is absolutely no way for a parent—new or experienced—to parent peacefully without taking care of themselves on a regular basis. Our kids notice when we’re stressed—they feel it, their little neurons pick up on it. They also notice when we’re content, balanced, and relaxed.
Yep, there is no faking it when it comes to setting a good example for our children: self-care takes time, commitment, and a realization that, in the end, we’ll have a lot more family joy if we find joy first ourselves.
Motherhood was never meant to be attempted in a box, by ourselves, without the help of, literally, a village. But, we try too often to muscle through it alone, ignoring the input or the assistance of others. Or, we rely on superficial social media connections. The truth is if you’re going to be a peaceful parent, it’s going to take community—friends, family, or a partner (or all three!)—sharing the hardships and the celebrations of raising small children in real, face-to-face interactions.
So many moms and dads I see in clinic seem shocked as each developmental stage comes along. They are surprised by cluster feeding and colic, worried by stranger danger, and perplexed by toddler tantrums. My best advice? Read ahead! Get a baseline understanding of what’s to come for your child developmentally from reputable sources. If you’re still pregnant, invest in information.
Your baby or toddler may not have all the same challenges as her peers, but she’s bound to have at least some of them! The more you know, the more you will feel empowered and ready to face those “Why are they like this all the time?” moments with confidence.
The chaos in my house is not changing any time soon. When someone asks me how my girls are, I tend to say, “Well, it was touch and go there last week but today we’re all hanging in there.” Because it’s true. And real. And, it’s also true that, in the middle of the hot mess I awake to so often, there’s peace—not around me, but inside. Or at least I’m moving in that direction.
March 28, 2018
I just finished an early morning exercise class. It was only 45 minutes long. By about minute 40, right when the final stretch got underway, I took a second to look around. Half the class had vacated the room and were on their way to the showers. They were rushing out to the rest of their days.
Now, I get that people have busy lives. I’ve definitely been in the “hurry out the door” pack before. There are times that important meetings or tasks take us quickly from checkbox to checkbox on our daily to-do list. No judgment there. But, still, the hasty mass exodus struck me as a powerful metaphor for the angst of early motherhood. For the frustration most all of us face as we hold our screaming newborn (or toddler) in the middle of the night and say to ourselves, “When will this be over? Can I just skip ahead? I’d like to leave this stage a little early.”
Despite the admonishments of those further along the parenting path to “treasure the time you have,” those people must have memory loss. There are plenty of infant and toddler precious moments but there are also plenty more moments of pure stress and strife.
The real danger isn’t just with wishing the nasty parts away. It’s with these two fatal mistakes: 1. Trying to fix every natural stage a child goes through. 2. Expecting the transition through those stages to progress in a straight line, instead of a messy zig-zag.
It’s a trap reserved mostly for first-time moms and dads. All second-timers fall into it from time to time, too, especially when they have more than one kid to juggle. I see it a lot in my practice. While a lot of new parents understand pretty quickly that feeding troubles and sleepless nights are just part of the game, some seem to bang their head against the wall with what seems like shock and terror as each new developmental stage (and headache) arises. They can’t seem to accept that certain childhood behaviors are just a normal part of growing up. And, while I’m impressed by their tenacious desire and willingness to problem-solve, sometimes I think they’ve been misled along the way by their friends and by society.
yes, we can prevent and address a lot of health issues that come up for newborns and young kids but some things (like cluster feeding, sleep regressions and colic) are more about muddling through with the right perspective than they are about finding quick-fix solutions. Some things just take time to get better. (Major caveat here: if you have a serious health concern about your child and are worried about their safety or about potential illness, contact your doctor right away.)
Plus, seasoned parents know that it’s not worth it to wish too hard for each stage to pass because they ALL have some annoying component in the early years. As soon as you breathe a sigh of relief that the “Terrible Twos” are over, in come the “Threenagers.” I mean, why do we even bother naming separate stages of annoyance for early childhood?
Please don’t misunderstand me. There are amazing, chart-topping experiences sprinkled in between the pain points. Like last night, when my eldest scampered up the stairs to sit through her baby sister’s bedtime story and song, crooning right alongside me to “Good Night My Someone,” my husband grinning as the two shared a hug and an Eskimo kiss. I tried my hardest to seal our fleeting seconds of peace into my memory, onto my parenting balance sheet.
The more I struggle in my own house and watch others do the same, the more clearly I see the true reason. The rest of our lives, on the surface, have some semblance of controllability. All of our two-hour grocery delivery options and pick-up dry cleaning services trick us into thinking that, if we just complain to the right customer-service agent or do the right google search, we can fix most anything. We can get anything faster if we just pay more for it. Resolution is an easy click away. When we look deeper, though, nothing could be further from the truth when it comes to the challenges of non-consumer life.
Plus, we’ve made our vision of perfect parenthood a nostalgic mess. It can seem like the bar is set too high to ever reach modern-day parenting perfection. The further we get away from living with a village mentality – where we are sharing experiences and burdens with other parents and multigenerational mentors – the harder it is to see the truth clearly. No parent or child is perfect. We all have troubles and trials.
Get educated about normal baby and child development. Get mindful. Prioritize self-care. Plan really enjoyable, special one-on-one moments with our kids to balance out the negative drama. Surround ourselves with other parents who get it and with experienced confidants who can give perspective. Then, relax, get comfy and wait.
There are seasons. Seasons of struggle. Seasons of celebration. Seasons of muddling through. And, seasons of letting it ride — just being okay with the stage of motherhood we’re in now.
Know a new mom or mom-to-be who could use information, inspiration, and guidance as she starts out on her parenting journey? Learn more about our book, The Newborn Baby Blueprint
AND about our Newborn Gift Boxes: in Baby Boy, Baby Girl, and Gender Neutral.
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