She was already crying when I opened the door to the exam room. She sat, defeated, her newborn baby snuggled closely in her arms, huge crocodile tears slipping down her cheeks. Try as she might, she could not get the latch right when she tried to nurse. She told me she must be one of those "breastfeeding failures." She had spent the last four days in pain as her baby clamped down on her again and again. Now, exhausted and defeated, she wasn't sure how to move forward.
I watched as she told me her story. Her shoulders were heaving as she took gulping breaths between sobs. I knew what she really meant: "I feel like I have already failed at this whole mother thing and I am less than a week into it. I am not the parent I hoped I would be."
Breastfeeding is a parenting area ripe for disappointment.
We put a ton of pressure on mothers-to-be, then don't educate them well before their babies are born on the potential pitfalls of this not-so-intuitive task. After birth, support from other experienced breastfeeders is usually minimal at home. Add in that we often put the onus on moms to do most of the day and night care within a family? Bam. Stress City, here we come (you can get information and help preparing to be a new mom by subscribing to our free guide here).
No wonder we have so many new moms that don't keep going.
FACT: While 79% of new moms start out breastfeeding, only 49% are still breastfeeding at six months and, at 12 months, the rate drops to 27% (rates as of 2011 from the CDC).
Of course, I get and support the Breast is Best movement when possible. The benefits of breast milk and breastfeeding are super clear. I want to help nursing parents reach their breastfeeding goals. But, for those who cannot or do not breastfeed, they often feel (or are made to feel) like they are somehow parenting failures because of their struggles or decisions in this ONE AREA.
Breastfeeding is not the only opportunity to feel, potentially, like a parenting failure. What about when we raise our voice at our toddler when we’re stressed or realize we've been ignoring our baby while we peruse our social media feed? How about the time my doctor friend missed her own kid's broken arm? Yeah, those feel like real "Mother of the Year" moments, too.
Or the bigger, longer-term fears we all have? That the core issues we deal with ourselves are going to royally going to ruin our kids in some way? My mild anxiety (or my a little too laid-back personality), my own parents’ failures, my lack of expertise in all things child-related - all of these insecurities can get in the way of doing our best day by day.
One mom in my office put it so well:
“I handle multi-million dollar sales transactions on a daily basis. I sit in a conference room with other business leaders and can influence their decision-making at the drop of a hat. But getting my toddler to put on her shirt? Somehow, I fail every day at doing that without getting flustered and losing my cool. It’s so demoralizing. I’m scared of what I’ll mess up when she gets older and it really counts.”
Social media feeds our worries on this ALSO.
You’ve seen the articles: “10 Things That Will Mess Up Your Relationship With Your Teenager,” “The 5 Tips You Need To Raise Brave Girls.” They are well-intentioned, and they often have really useful information, but, read enough of them and, in the end, they can leave you feeling stuck, not motivated if consumed without the right perspective.
Our friends, our parents, our significant others - pressure and guilt can come from all sides, piling on a sense that it’s all or nothing. That good enough is never enough. That only the best will do.
But the real secret to successful parenting is understanding and dealing with our own personal struggles and pain points, not pretending they don’t exist or acting like, if we just smile a little brighter, others won’t notice our humanity.
Going to therapy, or to lactation or to our pediatrician for help. Understanding we are not as in control as we think we are most of the time. That sometimes we do our best and take all the classes and read all the books and IT STILL DOESN'T WORK. Taking a look at our own “weaknesses” and fears - these are the things that really make a difference.
