EPISODE TAKEAWAYS:

1. In order to find your Centered Points, start with looking at your values and your strengths.
2. If your strengths don’t give you energy, think about how you can shift that.
3. Don’t allow your inner critic to dictate your path. Name and reframe those thoughts.
   

WHAT'S INSIDE:

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Dr. Whitney: Hello everybody. And thank you for joining us today. I am Dr. Whitney Casares, for those of you who don't know me. Though, I think at this point, hopefully everyone who is in the Modern Mama's Club knows me today. I am joined by Katie Ceccarini from Endurance Management Coaching, and we are going to talk about a really exciting part of the Centered Life Blueprint, which is actually figuring out what are the things that you care the most about in life. Where do you want to place your time, your energy, your focus? And we're gonna talk about that in a broad sense today, but we're also gonna talk about it as it pertains to your work life. Because I think for moms and as professionals, a lot of us are so ambitious and have so many specific goals or have so many dreams, but it's hard to make them really concrete.


And it's hard to manage all the inner voices that come in our head as we are making those calls. So I'm gonna share my screen and just make sure that we're all on the same page. And while we're waiting for that, I'm gonna just remind you that I am the author of two books. One is The Working Mom Blueprint and one is The New Baby Blueprint. And both of the books are really focused in on taking care of yourself as you are taking care of your children. That you are an individual person and that we have this thing called, in Modern Mommy Doc, a YOU life.

So again, we're talking about the next part of Conflicted to Centered: how to find success in the workplace and at home. And these are the two books. If you're looking for them on Amazon and this mission, again, is to help you be a centered mama. Which to me, does not just mean that you kill it in the workplace, does not just mean that you kill it with your family, but that you actually retain your individual personhood. That you maintain your sense of self. And that actually you don't just maintain it. You put it at the very center of yourself. That you are a centered mama and that allows you to be at work, to be a mom, and to still stay balanced. This is me with my oldest daughter, Makena. You can see that she misspelled a few of the words here on this little board, but I thought it was so cute that I had to keep it, because I just love that she gets this mission as well.

And now I find her with our neighbors going around and trying to share it with them as well. Too cute. She's on that entrepreneurial spirit as well. Okay. Those of you who know me have heard me talk before about my story. And in my story, we have had quite a go of it in my family. So we have had a really hard time with my first daughter. She was an amazingly beautiful baby who was awesome, who didn't have any difficulties with my pregnancy. And then when she was about two weeks old, she really developed severe colic. And we had a really, really hard time with her. And before I had her, I'd been this kinda like go-getter committed person at my work.

And I felt once I became a mom, like so many of you have, I felt this push and pull. I felt like I had to lean into work and I had to really lean into my home life. And then I found myself lost in the middle. And so that's why we developed this framework that I'm gonna talk about today. You can see the story right there. So that's her as a baby. That's her as a toddler when she started having a lot of tantrums and really pushed and pulled at my heartstrings while I was trying to be professional. And then on the left lower hand corner is me and my husband really struggling, having a hard time together to be happy in our marriage as a result of what was happening with this push and pull.

And also my youngest daughter, having a hard time. And eventually decided, you know what, I'm gonna lean in only when it makes sense for me and my family. I wanna remind you guys too, that if you're in this club, then you're gonna be learning all about this mission with these live events. But then also we have so much to offer you within this platform. So we're doing the live, but we also have forums that are specific by age and also by interests or by what's going on with your kids. And then we have our blog and our podcast you can access. And then the other thing that we have that I think is tremendously valuable to the people who are a part of this community, is all of our on-demand video. 

We have them on how to take care of a newborn and yourself. There's about three hours worth of content there, including all the information from the book. We have an entire section, about three hours of content, on how to parent with another partner and how to come and approach this as a team. And then we have another program on how to navigate difficult emotions with kids and an entire self care retreat. So make sure that you check that out as well, in addition to these live events. 

So this is the Centered Life Blueprint, and I'm just wanting to give you a reminder of it so that you have a framework as we're moving through it. We talked about how, in life, there are all these things that you'll see here on the outside of our circle that try to kinda push in on us. We have all the tasks, all the responsibilities, all the chores, all the committees people ask us to do. All of the in-law requests to spend time with us and with our kids, all of the social obligations, the PTA requests, the clothes ordering, all of those things that are there in our life. And that feel like little check boxes on the to-do list that we can go through the day and get them all done. But if we spend all of our time on those tasks and responsibilities that don't matter the most to us, that can really feel like life is pretty meaningless. On the other hand, within this circle is what we call our Centered Vision. And those are the things that really bring us joy, help us define meaning, and that make life purposeful for us.

And in our last session (if you weren't here with us last time, it's on demand within the club), we talked about how to develop this vision. We actually had an entire session with Karina from the Mindful Mama's Club. And she went through for 20 minutes, how to envision your life and to think about a life that you might like or feel satisfied with in really broad terms. Today, what we wanna do is break that down a bit into, what are the five components of that broader vision? What does that vision actually mean for your life? And it's different for every single person. 

And before I get into sharing what my five components are, I wanted to remind you our Centered Life Blueprint really is for every single person out there. So it's not just for the rich and famous. It's not for just the privileged. Understanding what is the path that I wanna be on--that's for every single person. 

We know in pediatrics, I'm a pediatrician, that there are these things called ACEs, adverse childhood events, that we know can cause lots of stress and are predictors for mental health issues, for financial troubles, all the way down the line. And then we know that the antidote to ACEs is resilience, right? That ability to bounce back or to thrive no matter what waves are coming and crashing against us. And one of the main components of resilience is control. So the idea of creating a pathway, or a vision, and some components of things that you want to be at the center of your life is about creating some agency and empowerment for us. Will it work out a hundred percent every single day that every single goal and every single part of our vision will come to reality, in five years or ten years? No, this is not about manifesting.

This is about laying a framework for where we want to place our value, our time, our attention. So these are my five points. And again, if you’ve been with us before, I talked about this vision that I have all the time: I'm on a balcony and I'm looking out over the ocean. There's cheap white Target curtains and I'm linked arms with other women. And my kids are coming back and forth from me. And those images and those pictures in my mind really represent for me a few key components of my life.

They include family connection. My kids being in that really healthy relationship where they're attuned with me. I have a relationship with them, but then also they can go and be on their own and explore the world. Then I have health and wellness. When I'm sitting there looking over that balcony, I'm like sipping on coffee in the most comfortable ritualistic way. Like I'm on a date with a friend. Not in the way of, oh my gosh, please let me slug this coffee because I've been up all night. 

The vision of the ocean being expansive is about travel and exploration. And in the past couple years, it has not been about world travel, but definitely has been about new opportunities and being excited about new ventures. And then contribution. That's that linking arms with other women. And then finally, financial freedom. In order to be at peace, if I am just buried in debt, which I was for a long time with my medical student loans, there's no way that I could achieve all of these other pieces. Again, every single person has their own vision and their own center points.

I really think within this framework for it to work for you to make any movement in terms of your center points, you have to do two things: One, you have to address all the things outside the circle, which we will talk about in later sessions. Because if all those things are cramping in on your circle, you have no bandwidth to be thinking about broader terms, what you really want. And then number two, you have to pick a linchpin center point. You have to pick what is the one that, if I address this, it's gonna make all the other dominoes fall. In my life, for me with $250,000 of medical student debt and physical therapy student debt, I had to really key in on that. And I used SMART goals to do it. And you can too.

So you'll pick your first center point. Choose a first goal within that and then break that down into mini goals, right? For me, when I had that huge insurmountable amount of debt, I had to think, what's the biggest thing I could do to attack this for that? It was moving in with my parents for an entire year and renting out our house. That's what we chose to do to really hack down at that debt. 

And then we had other smaller goals within that. And we really tried to think through: what are the barriers, what are the factors that we needed to consider? And then once we do one center point, then I start focusing on the next center point. And that's what I encourage every single person that I work with and coach to do is to think about: what's the number one thing that I need to address? And then once I have at least a handle on that, it does not have to be perfectly solved, but I've at least started to address that.

Now what's the second thing that needs to be addressed in order for things to fall into place? And third and fourth and fifth? Because what I found in coaching is that as we address one, automatically all the rest tend to rise up a bit. The rest tend to get a little bit better on their own. So when I address insurmountable financial debt, well that affects my mental health, right? If I am really stressed all the time about this money, I'm gonna be losing sleep. I'm not gonna have good physical health or mental health. If I am constantly thinking about debt and needing to rearrange money and rob Peter to pay Paul and all of these things with my money, I don't have the time or the bandwidth to actually focus on what my kids are saying. My connection with my kids is gonna suffer. I'm not gonna be able to have contribution to other people or to make time to mentor other people. Because I'm gonna feel like a pretty big fraud as I'm trying to tell them what to do when I feel like I have this huge thing that I haven't addressed at all. 

So that's how the center points work. And what we're gonna do this week is give you guys on social media (and we'll send it out in an email like we did the last time that we did the live event) a challenge. We want you guys to think about what might be your five center points for your entire life based off your centered vision. Again, go back and watch the last on demand video if you can't remember what that's about. And what does that look like as a sketched out version of your life in five or ten years? Remember the goal is to think about if in five or ten years, I go to bed 90% of the time feeling satisfied, feeling purposeful, feeling intentional, what are the five components of my life that that would look like?

Now, I know that for some of you, you're thinking, "This is quite a lot, Dr. Whitney, to be thinking about and to create these five things on my own and also to think about my entire life on my own." So that is why I've brought Miss Katie here today. Because what I wanted to do in this session, is to bring it back to something that maybe a little bit more tangible and that's every single day, which is our work. Because Katie and I are very, very aligned on this idea of understanding that what's the bigger picture really drives what the pathway is towards success in the workplace and in your personal life. 

So I'm gonna ask Katie some questions. If we were to go on a micro view, Katie, and think about at work, how could we create, what are our top five goals really? Center points are just goals or our top five areas of importance. How would someone go about doing that in a really practical way?

Katie: Yeah, love it. Well, so happy to be here. So thank you for including me in today's event. When I'm working with clients in particularly this area, they're often moms who are wanting more. They're wanting more fulfillment, wanting to feel purpose for what they're doing. And our starting place is always two buckets. The first is values. Your fundamental core beliefs. The things you hold most true. And some of them may end up on your centered life. You may really value flexibility. And for me, that was actually one of mine that I didn't realize I had and I was terrible at it. I didn't have enough of that value present. So really getting clear on what are the things that you hold most dear.

One of the practical ways that you can do that is to flip it around another way: listen to other people speak. So if someone is telling you about their weekend, for example, listen to what you noticed they got excited about or what they were frustrated by, because those are values. So we speak in values all day long, but we're not always necessarily listening. So when you can just notice that you can do that very easily listening to others, pause and reflect. When you tell a story, what were the important highlights that you spoke about? What were the things that went wrong and what's underneath it? And really get clear and start to write these things down. And then when you are making your decisions, these are your guiding posts. These are the things that you hold most dear, so practically start with values.

Dr. Whitney: I love that. And that was gonna be my question. What if someone doesn't realize what their values are? How can they dig into that? So I hear you saying about listening to other people, telling their stories, listening to themselves, telling their stories. Are there also places where there are potentially lists of values or quizzes of values or other tools? For those of us who are like type A and need a quiz to figure it out.

Katie: For sure. I actually love to point people to Brene Brown in her book, “Dare To Lead.” I can't recall how many pages, but there's at least one full page where you start to see things like responsibility, flexibility, autonomy, courage, adventure, culture, community, right? Those are some of the words that you're gonna see on lists like that and Brene Brown really encourages folks to narrow down to two core values. I struggle with that. So I tend to lean into your top three to five of what really drives you and what's most important to you.

Dr. Whitney: Yeah, I like that. And actually I like the three to five. I mean, Brene Brown's like a rockstar. So we're for Brene Brown forever. But yeah, I think sometimes there's conflicting values, right? Like the conflicting values of, I want autonomy, but I also wanna be in community with people.

Katie: Exactly. And that's where I can struggle, really narrowing it down. In my home life, I want more partnership. In my work life, I want more independence. So recognizing that both of those can be true at the same time and really just thinking through. Another question that you can ask yourself is, who am I at my best? And when you can answer that and say, when I’m at my best, I'm rested. Okay. So, what does that tell me about something that I value? So that's another way that you can surface and get clear on what your values are to then drive career decisions as well.

Dr. Whitney: I think that's wonderful. I love that. So you said values is number one? And then, what's number 2?

Katie: My second bucket is strengths and it has two sub-bullet points. So in navigating where you want to be and how to be more centered with your work, start from a place of what you are good at. But the reason why I have these additional kind of sub-bullets (and yes, there are loads of strength finders, that you can take strengths assessments to really identify how you can navigate in the world, and what you naturally are strong with), I like to then bring it back to what energizes you and what drains you. Because something that you may be good at might not be the same as what energizes you. 

So to use a work example, I was really good at building reports for our customer success department. I hated doing it. So that's why it's important to notice, what are you good at, your strengths, but then are those energy gains or are those energy drains? And how can you really evaluate the work on your plate and your future opportunities? And saying, okay, these are tasks, types of work, interactions that give me energy. How can I incrementally find more of that in my work? And then these are the things that drain me and how can I ultimately reduce or eliminate them within my work?

Dr. Whitney: There is so much depth there because I'm thinking about this idea of as moms and as working moms in particular, we're trained to be pleasers, to be givers, to be martyrs. And that sometimes there are things that we give and give and give, and yes, we get accolades because we're amazing at it. I'm really good at doing lumbar punctures and I hate them. I never wanna do a lumbar puncture again, but I was amazing at them in residency. And so I would get asked to do them over and over and over for our team. 

That doesn't mean that I wanna spend my time doing that. But it makes me think of this idea of giving versus receiving. What I hear you saying is that if you think about is this strength something that actually allows me to receive energy versus just gives away to other people, without me getting anything back? Ultimately that's not gonna align with what's gonna be the most fulfilling or purposeful for my life. And I think that's a huge mind shift paradigm for moms, right?

Katie: Absolutely. And just this notion of receiving back (exactly what you're saying) energy. Because we're all tired. I mean, I applaud any mom who can stay up past 9:00 PM, frankly. And there are things that if you know that it drains you, why can't we find ways to reduce or eliminate it? And that goes to other life tasks too, right? I hate grocery shopping. I no longer grocery shop. It's all Instacart. Eliminate something draining.

When I'm working with clients and we bring this idea around to their work, I will oftentimes hear a follow up, which is, "Well, no, I have to do that because no one else wants to. Or yeah, it's draining, but who else can take it on?" Here's the secret though, if this is a conversation you start to have with yourself and about yourself, and then you start to have this conversation with the people that you work with, it is shocking.

And for someone who's like, "I hate data entry. It's draining." There are people who love it because that is their Zen. So then you start to look at the people around you in your work setting and to do it as a team, "Hey everyone, I wanna make sure that we're all really getting as much energy as we can from the work that we do. And let's notice what we don't jive with. And if we put it all into a pool in the middle, some of it's gonna be draining for me, but energizing for you." And let's start to have that conversation.

Dr. Whitney: And I think what you're talking about, too, is so gendered. I think that this is also an opportunity for women to give themselves permission that they don't have to be the person that does the grunt work in the office that other people don't wanna do. That if it's something that drains you, that the way that we kind of move culture forward is to be really advocating for ourselves. To say, "I don't have to be the one that does that. Even if no one else wants to do that. Just because I'm a working mom, doesn't mean I need to prove myself and take on some extra time-ask or committee or responsibility that's incredibly draining to me." 

That happens in meetings for me, where they say, "Will someone do this?" And I'm like holding my hand down and trying not to volunteer. And part of that is because I feel like as a woman in work (and I know this is the case for so many other moms that they feel obligated) that in order to sometimes leave for their child's dentist appointment or to come in a little bit late, because they have something that happens with their kids, that they feel like they need to make up for it, as opposed to really looking at it in the way that you're describing in this energy versus draining capacity.

Katie: I think what underlines a lot of that too, and I notice this with so many of my clients and myself sometimes as well, is we're operating under assumptions, right? So we often don't even get to the stage of having this conversation, right? So we just assume, oh, well I don't wanna do it, so I know no one else wants to do it. So I'm not gonna put it out there. We're making an assumption. Whether that's true or not, we're stopped in our tracks of any action because of an assumption holding us back. 

So noticing when you have this thought of, "I need to take on this extra task or this later meeting to make up for going into a dentist appointment" that you're operating under the assumption that that's necessary. But if we pause and just ask or step into a courageous space to state it as a need and trust that those around know that you're doing your work and you're doing it well. Get out from the pressure of that assumption that you're assuming they think otherwise.

Dr. Whitney: I think that's a really important point. And I know the other piece that you talk about with this in terms of what are your values, what are your strengths, is that inner critic. Tell us about that. Because I think that's huge. I think that's bigger than people realize.

Katie: Yes, it is. I’ll paraphrase Tara Moore. For those of you who aren't familiar with her, she has an amazing book, particularly for women on this topic, called “Playing Big” and you'll find her in New York Times and so on and so on. She has this concept that says women don't have a confidence problem. Women have a self-doubt problem. We are constantly told that we need to be more confident when we approach something. We need to manage our relationship with our self-doubt. And self-doubt says things like "don't bother, you're gonna fail" or "no one's gonna like this" or "don't try because blah, blah, blah." And the challenge is and that voice that you hear is really binary, right? It’s either fail or succeed. Be liked or hated. There's it. It's pretty cruel.

It can also, for high achievers, sound a little bit different, which is "that wasn't enough" or for perfectionists "oh, not good enough. You just need to edit it 13 more times so THEN it's ready for people to see." And just noticing that when you hear that critical voice, that's not you. That is a voice inside you and rename it. I was working with someone yesterday who was saying, "I don't have the sales skills to blah, blah, blah." Reframe that to, "My inner critic is telling me I don't have the sales skills." And by just noticing it and naming it, your rational self comes forward. And your rational self might sound like something, "I don't have a ton of sales experience. Here's where I wanna get curious. And here's what I can still learn."

Dr. Whitney: Yeah. You're making it so that it's not you. It doesn't belong to your identity. It's something separate and then you can talk to it as a separate person to push it away. I'm pushing away the haters. You tell the haters "bye" a little bit more because it's not within you, because it's outside of you.

Katie: Exactly. Exactly. And there is a tactic to almost treat it with a sense of humor, right? “I see you showing up. I see you came to the party. I've got this.” Noticing it. But the reason why this is such an important piece to name when you're talking about first vision or values and then strengths, is that you start to have this mentality. 

Now I recognize that I need independence and I need flexibility. So that fire gets lit and then you start to realize, "Oh, I'm really good at these things. And I could make a go at dadada." And then your inner critic says, "But you got bills to pay. No, you've been here too long. You can't possibly step out of the job market." Just that self-critical voice.

Dr. Whitney: I like that being able to see your strengths as almost needs validates it as, "This is the thing that I need. I need flexibility to be the most successful version of myself. I need autonomy to be the most successful version of myself." You know, when I think about linking arms with other women in my centered vision, I link arms technically every single day in my office, right? I'm talking with parents every single day. I'm in community with them and trying to help them. 

But I knew that, because one of my strengths is that ability to be autonomous and to have something different, I needed it to be outside on a beach, not in an office sitting down with a stethoscope on. It's a bit different. And so I think identifying it as this need is the thing that drives me. This is the thing that's gonna make it so it's the most successful. It makes it less about being this extra sprinkle on top. That would be nice. But instead, if I really wanna succeed in this part, this is what I'm gonna have to create.

Katie: And I think what I also hear you speaking to is a shift that happens where you now are leaving motivation land and you're entering into purpose land. And when you have a purpose, that gets you through the hard stuff. Yeah, you're gonna stumble. Yes, you're gonna learn new things. Yes, they're gonna be setbacks. Yes. Assume all of that. And motivation will be fleeting when you have a setback. 

But when you then say, "Oh no. My purpose is that I need work that enables me to be the mom that is there for pick up and drop off. And with a huge caveat on that--which is, I don't sign back on after that. My day is done." So that is my purpose. And that is what I work towards. So when I struggle or when it's really hard, I pause and say, well, this is why I'm doing it.

Dr. Whitney: Yeah. Yeah. Transition. It allows you to get through those moments that are not so fun on your Centered Life journey, right? I think that's the thing that is the difference between this and manifesting, right? Is that it's about the need that you have that drives your purpose as opposed to it being some tangible, physical thing that you say that you're going to achieve. Because anybody can put out into the world, "This is my purpose." That has nothing to do with the world bestowing upon you billions of dollars or a Cadillac car that you want. Everyone's able to have that. 

Well, I have loved this conversation. I was writing down the Brene Brown reference and the Tara Moore reference, “Playing Big.”

Katie: Highly recommend.

Dr. Whitney: We will put those into the comments under this event and we'll link them. And then we'll also put the graphic of the Center Life Blueprint and also the graphic of the center points. And then we're gonna do our challenge as of the 27th. All you guys have to do is share under this thread what your center points are. Super easy, right? Go back, listen to the center vision talk if you need to do that. Think about what we've talked about today with Katie. And then by the 27th, we'll give you some reminders on social and within the club. Then you will be entered to win a $25 Rifle Paper gift card. You can spend it on an organizer or cute button or whatever you want on there. I'm a huge fan of their line journals. I use that to jot down all of my little brain pops that come into my mind. Last time we did an Athleta gift card. 

So every time you guys come to these events, you're entered to win and you don't have to be present. So if you're watching this on demand and you do it by the 27th, then that's totally fine too. And we also, within the resource center, will have links to Katie's work to Endurance Management Coaching if any of you are interested in going further with her, because of course, we just scratched the surface today on what she does. I have worked with her on a couple of other projects, and I know that she is amazing and that should be a great resource for all of our moms out there. So thank you so much for joining me today.

Katie: Thank you. It was fantastic.

Dr. Whitney: Okay. Bye. You guys.

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