Dolly Parton in 1980, “Working 9 to 5, just trying to make a living…”
Donna Summers in 1983, “She works hard for her money, so you better treat her right…”
Britney in 2013, “You better work, b!tch!”
Me in 2011: 🤷🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️
Those songs written by absolute queens are about women working their asses off, making a living, being successful, and getting paid for it! But even with all the calls to be a “boss babe” and “mompreneur,” talking about money can still feel, well, icky and downright uncomfortable for a lot of us.
When I was fresh out of residency, I’d been coached by my attendings as well as my dad on how to negotiate and get a strong offer from any new job. With a huge dose of confidence, I marched into that office (by that, I mean I emailed them) and got rejected. Well, they wanted to offer the position to me, but they didn’t want to pay me anywhere close to what I thought was fair (we’re talking ⅓ of what the partners would get after their bonuses.)
I eventually got what I wanted...sorta...but it took a LOT of work and standing up for myself. And that led to a lot of tension in the clinic with people thinking I was an over-confident money grabber and had no idea I was even a decent human being (dare I say “nice”?!) until much later. Even now, in 2021, I hear from women on the daily about the struggle to fight for fair compensation. I don’t necessarily think that the whole story is sexist, either. I’m SURE there is that side of things as well. But, for the most part, there’s a reason we’re afraid as working moms to stand up for ourselves to get what we need and deserve monetarily.
First, as women, we’re taught to be demure people pleasers. We’re supposed to go with the flow, service over self ALWAYS. And this leads to just allowing ourselves to take whatever we’re offered. Whatever goes with the status quo--even if that status quo sucks.
Second, we’re afraid to be seen negatively. We all know the double standard: what’s viewed as ballsy and a huge leadership move in men is just seen as being bitchy in women. It’s unfair and it’s beyond outdated and sexist, but the fear remains. And it drives us, again, to feel like we need to push down parts of us that we think won’t be “approved” of in the workplace. You know, the parts of us like our leadership abilities, our decision making abilities, and our ability to rise under pressure. All the parts of us that deserve to get paid fairly.
Lastly, one of the reasons we’re afraid to speak up and fight for fair compensation is because we feel guilty that we’re moms. Or I should say, we feel guilty that we’re working moms. We feel guilty if we don’t work full time, or if we actually leave right on time (and heaven forbid, don’t come in early!), or if we’ve ever taken time away for parental leave. It makes us feel like a less-than stellar employee or that others might see us that way, which obviously takes the wind out of our sails when it comes to standing up for ourselves.
So what do we do? How do we, as women, fight for what we rightfully deserve?
Here are my 6 hacks to have a powerful (and effective) conversation with your boss about your compensation:
- Know that it’s completely normal to ask for a raise or ask for a higher salary if you’re interviewing for a position. These types of conversations happen every day. You aren’t the first person to bring it up and won’t be the last. Conversations like this are reasonable and SHOULD be happening on the reg.
- Take a look at the timing. Just like you wouldn’t want to have a deep conversation with your husband about your parenting philosophies right when he walks in the door from a stressful day at work, you shouldn’t do the same with your boss. Obviously, you’ll want to avoid the overly busy seasons of work, but also pay attention to the ebb and flow of budgets and cash flow. If you know there’s a point in the year when things are a bit more strapped, probably best to wait it out.
- Be prepared to give an answer of why you feel your salary should be at that level. Something like, “I’m so grateful for all the opportunities you’ve given me over the last year for greater responsibility, like (example) and (example). I’ve hit or exceeded the goals in those areas and have been seeing great results. I’d like to talk about adjusting my salary to reflect the higher level of impact I’ve made.”
- Understand that it’s literally not personal. Sure, there are going to be bosses that suck and make decisions based on preferences or vendettas. But most of the time there’s many other factors in play: budgets, timing, personnel, etc..
- Ask this if you don’t get the answer you want: “What would it take for you to feel comfortable giving me a raise in the future?” They can give you specifics on job performance, interpersonal skills, or even salary ranges for your position. Notice I didn’t say “take the answer they give you and walk away.” Whether it’s for a raise or when you’re talking about salary for a new position, it does you a disservice to not clearly state what you want/need or dismiss it as soon as you hear a “no.”
Surround yourself with women who can speak into these types of issues. Whether it’s employee resource groups or older women who can serve as mentors, seek out other working moms in leadership positions who might be able to counsel you on how to navigate your work’s culture. Looking for a forum where you can get advice but don’t want the pressure of directly dealing with people from your actual job?
The Modern Mamas Club is PERFECT.
Check out all the conversations going on inside.
I know first-hand that working mom life is hard, but I also know it doesn’t have to be impossible.
Trust me. The best way to get unstuck isn’t to work harder. It’s to use a framework that gets real results, no matter what area you need to tackle first.