EPISODE TAKEAWAYS:

• Working moms have to advocate for themselves in the workplace if they ever want to see change.
• Finding your tribe in and out of work makes advocating easier and more effective. 
• Your identity doesn’t change when you walk into work. Parent out loud to change your work culture over time. 
• Setting boundaries at work means saying “no” to demands on your time and energy so you can say “yes” to what really matters.
• How to find sustainable success and happiness as a working mom.

WHAT'S INSIDE:

 READ THE ENTIRE TRANSCRIPT BELOW

This episode is all about how to show up for yourself and advocate for yourself in the workplace. And it's an important topic to me because I am a working mom, just like all of you. I am the CEO and founder of Modern Mommy Doc, where I support other moms on their working mom journeys. But I also work in a pediatrics clinic with other pediatricians in a group. And, in that capacity, I am an employee and I'm also an owning founder and an owning partner. I own the business along with my partners and I'm on the executive leadership group there. So I kind of have these two hats that I wear in the workplace; one as an independent entrepreneur with you all, and then also in a more traditional setting. And so I really understand the nuance of what it's like to work within a larger group organization than what it's like when you're on your own and you don't have quite so many of those limitations that come with being in a more formal organization.

I think that when we talk about working moms and finding a way for ourselves that really fits what we want for ourselves, sometimes we forget one group or the other. If you're talking to entrepreneurial moms, you might be saying, "Go for your dreams, do your thing, set up your day in this way." And that works really well for them. But then when you're talking to a mom, maybe who's working in a corporation or working in a larger group setting, sometimes there are limitations to schedules that make it so that there's less flexibility. You don't have as much individual decision making power.

So I wanted to make sure that I recorded an episode that was for those moms who are in the actual physical brick and mortar (or virtual) workplace. This is for those of you who have a traditional boss — the ones that have to show up at work at a certain time, and that don't get to always choose all of the parameters of work for themselves, the ones whose lives are dictated the majority of the working hours by somebody else.

There are a couple of things I am going to talk about in terms of advocating for yourself that I think are gonna surprise you but the first one is not. Number one is finding a network of other women who work alongside you, who can join forces with you to affect policy change and culture change within your organization. To me, that's a no brainer. If you work in a corporation that has an employee resource group (ERG) or a working mom's network (WMN) or a working mom's network, you need to be part of that so that your voice is heard and so that your experience is understood. That way, if you have needs that are unmet by the corporation or business, you have a chance to provide feedback in a safe environment, hopefully with an army of other working moms who are in the fight for advocacy right along with you.

If you're not part of an ERG or WMN, I would totally encourage you to be because I am a huge fan. I have lots of friends who are in the working mom world, like Denise Hamilton, the founder of Watch Her Work, and Mary Beth Farrante, who is the founder of Wrk360. We've had both of them on the podcast and they both talk about how to create culture change within organizations. What are things that employers need to be thinking about? How can we educate employers on our very unique needs as parents? I remember when I was a pediatrician before I had kids. And I remember there being kind of this dividing line between those of us who had kids and those who didn't, and that those of us who didn't have kids looked on those who had kids and said, "Hey, we should all be treated equally. There's nothing that's different about working moms."

Once I became a mom, I realized, holy smokes, I had totally missed the boat. Before I was a working mom, I didn't understand the struggle. It's totally unique. And yes, every single person that works within a group should be treated with equity, but not every single person is exactly the same. No, not every single person pushed a child out of their vagina or had their stomach cut open so that a child could be retrieved from their uterus and then had to recover for six to eight weeks, and THEN, if they were breastfeeding, was trying to struggle with that and had sleepless nights. It's just different if you're a mom. You know that too. And so having a group of women with you if you're lucky enough to be at an organization that has a ERG is really, really important.

Of course, it's super important that ERG is looking for innovative ways that can help women to then live their best lives and have the support that they need. (Small Plug for the Modern Mamas Club, right ?!?!) But that really is important. It's part of why we have our club. We're not necessarily the culture change people and policy change people, but we are walking alongside those organizations and we're providing more of the individual work that moms can do to make sure that they're showing up in general in their lives.

So number one is a network at work alongside you, but we also need a network of other moms who are your friends who get it. This cannot be underestimated because if you are a working mom and you're only friends with stay at home moms (Lord love them) they are going to have different challenges than you do, right? They're not going to fully understand the challenges that you have. If you are a working mom and you only have friends who are not really trying to like kill it in their careers, that don't really like care that much about being successful at their jobs, those are fine friends to have, but they're not YOUR people. So when you share your challenges with those people, it's not going to be with the same amount of resonance that you would have with other working moms in conversations (around work-related issues), and you're not going to be able to fully empathize with each other. You're not probably going to get the support that you need. It's so critical to have people around you that are also working moms. If they can work in the same field as you, amazing! If they work in a different field than you, but they just have great ideas, that's amazing too, but we all need those people in our lives.

Let me be a fierce advocate for you right now about who you DON'T need in your life, too, because I think that's equally important to who you need IN your life. You do not need people in your life who are in your close, inner circle, who are haters. This is what I mean: we all have haters in our lives. I have people in my life who are acquaintances, who might say, "I can't believe you work so much," or "Are you sure that you are not damaging your kids by working like that?" Or they make little snarky comments. Most of those people are people that I have to have in my life because they're family or because they're friends of my husband's who have been around for a long time. But the amount of time and attention that I give to them is 1% because I don't have time for that BS.

In my life I need people who are supportive. I don't need them to agree with me one hundred percent of the time. I don't need homogeneity. We don't need every single person in our lives to be our clone, but I cannot handle the haters and I can't let them get in my head. I have to make it that they're a very, very, very, very, very, very, very small piece of my pie in terms of the energy that I'm putting out and in terms of the investments that I'm making in friendships with them. I know that it's only gonna drag me down and make me question my choices if I am constantly surrounded by people who don't support me. I WANT to be questioned by people that I respect and the people that have my best interest at heart, but not by haters. And I think that's probably the differentiating point here, right?

It's cool if people just have a different life than you, but they're totally supportive of you and you know they've got your back. But if these people are just constantly criticizing you, and you always feel smaller when you're around them, those are NOT your people. I guarantee you, mama, that the minute you release those people from your life and release the death grip that they have on your subconscious, your mom guilt will decrease and your productivity and badassness in the workplace will increase. Your ability to be a mom at a superior level when you're with your children will increase 100 fold.

Number two is parenting out loud. This is from Mary Beth Ferrante. Please, please, please, please, please: If you are in a senior leader position of any type, if you're a manager of any type, talk about your life as a human when you're on the job. Bring some level of vulnerability and authenticity to the office.

If we ever want to move beyond this mentality of, "We have to just play like the boys. We have to act like the boys. We can't act like we have emotions. We can't act like we miss our kids. We can't act like we have kids' dentist appointments to go to. We can't talk about our breastfeeding. And our pumping at the office? We better hide that in the refrigerator. Don't label it, put it in a little nondescript paper bag so other people don't see it," we have to be ourselves. If we want to change culture, we have to be out loud and proud about the people that we are. And that includes the fact that we are parents. This is so true even if you're not a parent. This is true for people of different sexual orientations.

This is true for people who love bike riding or whatever is their thing. Whatever is your thing that makes you YOU, you have to own it. And the thing is the, the little ones, the girls, the the little junior partners, the assistants who are coming in, I know it's hard for them. I know in the first couple years, it's hard. So that's why I'm trying to put a bit more the pressure on you all of you who are senior leaders or managers like me. I'm the site lead in my office. I'm, like I've said before, on the executive committee. So I'm one of five to six people who makes all the major decisions in my organization. I have to bring with me the lens of what's good for my company and then also what is good for moms?

My identity as a mom does not go away the minute I step into my office. In fact, for me, my identity as a mom gets stronger. And I will say that with my patients for a long time (my pediatric patients and their parents) I tried to hold back the fact that being a mom was really part of my identity. Maybe I wouldn't share my stories or, you know, share my opinion or have camaraderie as much because I didn't want to cross a weird line. The minute that I dropped that (of course, with, with professionalism) and started being a fellow mom alongside the other moms that I was seeing, that's when my special gift for the things that I do with moms really emerged. That gift reaching them with grace, helping them to see how amazing they are, and helping them to lift out of this idea that they have to just make it through and be hot messes came forward. That's when it happened.

This MOVEMENT happened when I started being myself, owning that and really showing up. This so far has been what your organization needs to do for you in order for you to have a positive experience or an experience that feels like there's advocacy in the workplace. There are those factors. Like I said, all the ERGs, all the policy makers out there — Lord love them. I believe in all of that, but I want to talk about the things you can do. You can build a network, you can parent it out loud.

Number three, you can set boundaries which is, again, hard to do when you're first starting out. But if you're in any position of leadership or middle management, or you've been there a couple of years, this is to you. It was when I got to that level that I started saying to my partners, "No, I cannot take on the committee of the social gatherings. No, my talents are not best served ordering cake for the birthday party to celebrate one of the other partners here. No, I actually can't write that blog unless you're going to pay me extra for doing that in our organization."

The minute I started doing that and knowing my value, the minute I got more respect, and the minute I was able to actually dig in and give to the places within my organization that only I could give to; the places that really needed MY talents. One thing that I am really big on and known for in my organization is being very visionary and very relational. So the talent and the skill that I brought when I let go of doing all of the menial tasks at work or saying "yes" to committees because people wanted me to be on them, the more that I was able to actually give more to these other pieces that made a much larger difference for my organization.

Whenever you say "no" to something because you're saying "yes" to something bigger and greater and more meaningful and more powerful, that is where the magic lies. If you guys have not heard about our Centered Vision or the Centered Life Blueprint, if you're not part of the Modern Mamas Club, go check that out because we talk about: What is the vision for your life? Where are the places where you really want to spend your time and your energy and give your attention? And for me, the number one thing in my professional life is contribution to other women and kind of this visionary lens that I bring. And so whenever I'm making a decision about a commitment between committees, between extracurricular activities for my kids, or for anything that I'm setting boundaries on, I'm always thinking about it with this in mind: does this align with my priorities and with my vision for my life? Does this align with that priority to contribute to women and to lift them up or to my commitment to my secure connections with my kids ot to myself?

If not, it's a no for me. And it should be for you too. If there are requests on your time that are unpaid and that ask you to step out of alignment with yourself, it has to be a no if you ever want to say yes and make space for the things that you absolutely are passionate about in your life.

The fifth (and the last) is showing up for yourself at home and when you are by yourself. We are going to have an entire episode that's on automation and delegation and on how you give responsibilities to other people in your life, but what I want to say is this: if you want to garner respect in the workplace, if you want to be taken seriously, if you want to stand in solidarity with other women and you want to stand in alignment with your values, with your principles, and with your priorities, if you want to be able to say no to all the fluff, to all the contaminators, you have to start doing the same thing in the rest of your life.

Your employer is actually not responsible for your happiness. Your employer is responsible for making sure that they treat you with respect, that they treat you with equity, and that they are fair. The thing is, though, they are not responsible for your overall happiness in life. The vast majority of us choose, in one way shape or another, where we work and what our careers are. I know because I've been there firsthand. There have been moments in my career where I have felt completely stuck and where I would've said, "Absolutely not. I'm not in control. I have to work because I have so many student loans. I have $250,000 in student loans. I have to work. If I don't keep being a doctor and keep working four days a week, plus all the weekends, plus all the call nights, I'll never make it. I'll have to sell my house. I won't be able to survive." When I flipped the script on that and said, "What do I want to be happy? What do I want my life to look like? What are the things that matter most to me?" I realized that part of what mattered most to me was this bigger contribution to other women. And I decided, okay, then I need to take time away from my clinical practice so that I can invest my time and resources and money into that.

I found I was all of a sudden like, "Wow, I'm happier just in general in life, because I'm just doing the work that is actually in alignment with who I am meant to be with my specific calling that is on my life, with the God-given purpose that I believe that I have. I believe you have it, too. I believe you absolutely have a God-given gift and talent and purpose and reason you were put on this earth. And the only way that I was able to identify that and really own that was when I started in small ways showing up for myself, saying I am going to take care of myself, I deserve to not feel anxious all the time, I deserve to have an hour by myself to read a book. I deserve to move my body every single day.

When I started taking up space for myself, when I started really being intentional about giving more of what I had been doing myself to others, including asking my kids to take on more responsibility within our house, and letting my husband really know my needs in our relationship, that's when things changed. It was so hard and it took the help of others — of therapists, of coaches, of other experts. But once I started showing up for myself in my own individual personal life and on my personal journey, I didn't need my work and my company to be taking care of me quite so much. I didn't need them to fully understand me. I didn't need them to fully get my struggle. I was able to separate it out to say, "You might not always be perfect, and that will be okay with me because I am every single day, every single moment, really choosing myself every single time."

That's what I wanna leave you with today. You are not in control of all the things that happen in your workplace (though I want those to change so desperately). You are not in charge of everything that happens in your life or of the chaos that comes your way, but you ARE responsible for the choices that you make. You are responsible for showing up for yourself, for deciding that you have enough worth in the world to care for yourself, to be taken care of in a way that only you can do.

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