This week we're deep diving on one of the most important barriers to self-care.
Let's talk about step number three:
Perhaps the best skill you can learn as a mom is how to filter though society’s noise, false messages, and to-dos. I remembered the importance of filtering this last week. I was sitting on my yoga mat, eyes closed, trying to breathe. The lights were dim, the music was just right, the instructor’s voice was calm and melodic as she guided the class in getting centered and getting comfortable, but I just couldn’t seem to focus. It’s a shame, really, given that I spent all week arranging for that one hour—paying extra for my sitter to stay with my youngest at home, timing a business meeting to start directly after I was done, even putting off more “important” errands in the name of self-care.
Yet, somehow, my mind kept flitting in and out of focus despite multiple attempts to bring myself back to the present moment. I was already onto the rest of the day in my head, and somehow also back to yesterday, where I was analyzing an in-office interaction and questioning my clinical decision-making process on a patient’s particularly tough condition. Yep, my filter system was broken.
The day’s exercise session was a loss. So what? As I walked to my car after the class and out to the rest of my life, I thought about the bigger picture—about what the class represented, about how many of my self-care attempts are affected by my ability to properly filter. I thought about how much time we all waste, especially as mothers, unable to get past the noise, the false messages, and the endless, meaningless to-dos that face us every day. About how, if self-care really is about trying to achieve some type of balance, it’s our filter system that—nine times out of ten—keeps us from actually getting anywhere with our attempts.
Filtering Out the Noise
How much time do you spend on your phone? I’m not judging, I’m just asking, because I often have to spend a lot of time on my phone (mostly due to the nature of running a blog and a business and promoting both on social media) and I notice that, when I’m on it without a specific task in mind and without a plan to get off of it as fast as possible, my whole life ends up filled with noise.
I follow a link on the internet to a story and it leads me to some other worthless distraction, I scroll through social media and I get sucked into watching some viral video, I hang out online and get bogged down in pictures of professionally-decorated homes that I can’t afford. It’s all noise, and it eats away at the precious moments I do have to actually do what feeds me, what restores me, and what builds me up.
So, what can we do to get rid of some of the static that clogs our thinking and takes all our time away? I’m guessing you’re probably not going to throw your phone into a pool anytime soon, but what if you worked on consciously setting aside times for yourself throughout the week without any devices, even if it was only twenty minutes at a time? What if you purposefully put your phone in a drawer for an hour or two? What if you minimized the way you used your phone sometimes instead of maximizing it? When we unplug, we leave more space for productivity and for connection–either with ourselves or with other people.
Filtering Out the False Messages
The idea that you matter less than anyone else in your life is a false message, one so many of us buy into day after day. Why is it so hard for us to take good care of ourselves when we become moms? In part, because it feels selfish and indulgent. Because it feels like there are a million other things that we could be doing with our time that would be more productive for our families or would be more helpful to someone else.Because, when we become mothers, we are often seen primarily as caretakers and secondarily as human beings with basic needs. Each time we have a choice to take care of ourselves we also have an opportunity to choose what messages we’ll believe about ourselves and about our place in this world. We have a chance to choose truths over falsehoods.
Filtering Out the To-Do's
All those to-dos for my family, myself, and my work that keep piling up in my head? Yeah, I could do without those. Moms who focus solely on getting things done miss out on life, plain and simple. Instead, think about how to lessen your load. If you have a partner, figure out a plan for dividing responsibilities along strength lines. No matter what your family construct, stop doing everything for everyone else. Get other people on your team. Let go of the tasks that don’t matter and give away the tasks that drag you down. You only have the time and the bandwidth to do so much—use the time you do have to narrow in on your priorities.
You do not have the time or energy to pay attention to everything or everyone around you. When we people please, get overwhelmed with tasks, and forget what's important, lose out on what really matters.
Next week we'll talk about Step 4: How to Stay Realistic
