There’s no one in the world who can fill the shoes of a mother. It’s true. Our kids simply reach for us first when they are fighting a temperature and have the sniffles, when they trip and scrape their knee or when they’re simply having an emotional day. Dads are great too, don’t get us wrong, but there just is something about the warm and loving embrace of a mother that most kids simply prefer.
And we moms love and cherish the fact that we tend to get picked first on our kid’s team. It’s kind of like our unspoken super power. But it’s also kind of like our kryptonite—especially when we’re overburdened by so many other things in our lives, like our career, household responsibilities, social commitments, etc.
When our child demands “I want Mommy to put me to bed tonight,” after we just had the day from hell, still have piles of laundry to fold, a sink filled to the brim to clean, a dishwasher to unload, 10+ work emails to send and, oh a shower to take at least once this week, it officially becomes too much to handle.
Too many of us moms and dads all into this trap where it feels like one parent is doing *so much more.* In many modern-day families, both parents play an active role—but still not always an equal role. In fact, women still account for the majority of the childcare and household responsibilities, according to a survey by
Statistics Canada.
A 2019 study published in the journal
Sex Roles
backs this up. It found that women in heterosexual relationships, regardless of their professional status or income level, did more of the household responsibilities than their male partners.
While this all probably comes as no shock to most of us moms, it does beg the question: Isn’t it time to reverse this? Shouldn’t we be setting better standards and expectations for our children who are little spies watching our every move? They should grow up knowing that it’s not just Mom—or Dad—who picks them up from school, who goes grocery shopping, who takes out the trash, who does bathtime, who reads books or who tucks them in at night. It’s good for our kids to see both parents exchange ownership of parental duties, no matter what they may be. When they see this, they learn not to go to one parent only for a certain task—they know they can go to either one.
So how can we do this? While changing the mindset of society is a longer haul, we can start in our own homes by adopting some of these tips.
1. COME TO TERMS WITH YOUR DIFFERENT PARENTING STYLES.
You and your partner are two different people—you’re going to do things differently whether you have your parenting hat on or not. While it can be frustrating to watch, if your partner is willing to take something off your load, let them—even if they don’t do it the way you would want them to.
2. BE UP-FRONT WITH YOUR STRENGTHS AND WEAKNESSES
If you’re simply not a morning person and have trouble getting yourself and the kids up and dressed, fed and ready for the day, but have no problem handling the nighttime responsibilities, why not be upfront and honest with your partner? Maybe they will emphasize with you and gladly swap—or, better yet, maybe they really don’t mind scoring a little extra quality time with the kiddos in the morning while you de-cloud your head with that morning cup of joe.
3. Circle up before the week or day begins
If you’re like most parents, you’re both pretty busy. Once your days are in motion, it’s pretty hard to get on the same page unless you at least started in the same chapter. It’s a good idea to circle up with your partner about your parenting and household responsibilities solely. Have a discussion about what you each have going on this week, what each of your children have going on this week, and what needs to get done around the house and divy up tasks—trying not to simply divide based on traditional gender roles. Maybe one night Mom has to work late, so Dad handles bathtime, books and bedtime. And the next night you switch. This shifting to a shared schedule—and shared mindset—can go a long way for your self esteem as a family unit.
4. Express gratitude
Parenting is an exhausting, albeit rewarding, job and as a result, sometimes you and your partner might feel like two ships passing in the night. If your spouse does something that you appreciate, tell them—they’ll be so glad you did. And the same goes for them. If they don’t say “thank you” for bearing the brunt of the load here and there, ask them to acknowledge it. Doing so does not make you both feel good, but it also sets a good example for your kids to follow.
Written by Jenn Sinrich
Jenn Sinrich is a freelance editor, writer and content strategist located in Boston, Massachusetts. She received her BA in journalism from Northeastern University and has a decade worth of experience working for a myriad of female-focused publications including SELF, Parents, Women's Health, BRIDES, Martha Stewart Weddings and more. When she's not putting pen to paper (or, really, fingers to keyboard), she's enjoying the most precious moments in life with her husband and daughter.
I know first-hand that working mom life is hard, but I also know it doesn’t have to be impossible.
Trust me. The best way to get unstuck isn’t to work harder. It’s to use a framework that gets real results, no matter what area you need to tackle first.