In every relationship, there’s seasons where things just feel off. Where you aren’t connecting and you feel like you’re constantly on each other’s nerves. Or you’re always a little bit mad at each other.
Even better (or maybe worse) yet, one person is mad and the other has no clue. Which makes you even more mad. The worst fights I’ve had in my marriage have been when I’ve been mad for days and my husband doesn’t even know it. You better believe I’ve had some epic shower arguments in my head.
I always win.
It’s kinda like when you have a dream that your spouse cheated on you and you wake up mad. It’s not fair. It doesn’t make any sense. But that’s just the way it feels.
In any of those times where things just aren’t clicking, before you can make things right, you have to figure out WHY you’re actually feeling that way. I’m certainly not a marriage counselor, so, in the same way when a friend tells you to take tylenol for a headache that isn’t ACTUALLY medical advice, this isn’t meant to replace getting professional help if that’s what the situation calls for. If you’re not safe, you need to get out.
However, for those times when you’re about to lose your ish because he put the ketchup back on the wrong side of the refrigerator, let’s look at a few reasons why you might be on edge:
You’re having a silent competition over whose life is harder.
Silent is the key word. You aren’t actually having discussions to let your partner know that work was rough or that the kids kept you up all night. All you’re doing is just keeping tally in a competition where no one can win.
When there’s clearly a poopy diaper scent lingering in the room and he doesn’t immediately go to check it out and you remind yourself of the 4 you’ve changed since you got home. When your 8 year old has a bad dream and wants to crawl into your bed, but only wants to snuggle with you (which we all know means bruised ribs in the morning), you go through all the things you’re going to have to do in the morning before you head out the door that will be made infinitely harder with less sleep.
And while you’re clinging to the last 2” of your mattress and hear your husband happily snoring away, you only imagine smothering him with your pillow twice (for legal reasons, this is a joke.)
When these types of things are left unsaid, you’re only going to breed resentment. Which turns into anger. And before you know it, he leaves a sock next to the hamper and you lose your ever loving mind.
Be upfront when you’re having a hard day. Speak your truth when you’re making dinner about how it would be helpful to have help corralling the kids. Our partners are our partners and that means working together for each other’s good. Sometimes we have to be the one to take one for the team because they clearly communicated that tomorrow they have to be up early for a meeting. Or it can mean that you speak up to say that having him do bath time would really help you calm down from the day.
But clarity is key. They aren't mind readers and, as much as we’d like them to, aren’t always going to see that having just one kid in the bathroom while we try to pee isn’t exactly the same thing as self-care.
You’re not assuming the best of their intentions.
Have you had those conversations with your kids where you’re working through friendship issues with them that are so shockingly simple to us as adults?
“Milana didn’t sit with me today at lunch. I think she doesn’t want to be friends anymore.”
“Hmmm. That seems pretty unlikely because you’re a pretty great friend. Did you talk to her about it?”
“Well no. But then she was playing with Jayden at recess, so I bet she hates me and wants to be her best friend now.”
And then when they do finally talk about it, your kid realizes her friend was actually comforting someone else at lunch who wasn’t feeling well and by the time she got to recess she didn’t see your daughter so she joined in another game with someone else.
And you wanna be like, “Yeah. That seems about right.” It makes total sense when you can see people’s hearts and intentions in a situation. And, as adults, it’s a lot easier to have that perspective about our kids’ friends.
But in adult relationships? Much harder.
For weeks, I kept finding my husband’s water glasses sitting next to the sink on the counter. It was driving me crazy. Every time I would pick them up and put them in the dishwasher. Finally, one day I said (obviously very respectfully and rationally, yeah right), “I can’t keep picking up after you. You have to put your glass in the dishwasher.”
And he said, “I always do. When I’m finished with them. But I’ve really been working on trying to make sure that I drink enough water every day so I’ve been leaving my glass by the sink to remind me to fill it up. But most days, my glass is always gone. So I just grab another one.”
Well shoot.
Obviously we BOTH could have communicated better on that one. But instead of just assuming he was being lazy and intentionally trying to make my life harder, a simple conversation could have changed everything about that.
I know that’s a silly example about cups, but it transfers to so many areas. When he buys you a treadmill for your birthday (I know, rocky ground), it’s really easy to make up a whole situation in your head that he thinks you're out of shape and is going to leave you for a skinnier, younger version.
When in reality, he had been actively listening to you talk about how you wish you had more time to work out and it was really hard to find time to get to the gym between work and the kids and how you really missed running like you used to when you were in college.
Assuming the best about your partner’s intentions, remembering why you are with them, and why you love them diffuses so many arguments before they even start.
So when he makes a remark during dinner that his mom used to make lasagna with beef instead of turkey, you can remember that he doesn’t have a passive aggressive bone in his body and he’s probably just remembering his mom fondly. Rather than telling him where he can put his lasagna.
You don’t each have your own things that interest you.
This is such a big one. I’m all for having common interests and activities that you can do together. That’s actually super healthy.
But if you don’t have AAANYTHING that you both enjoy separately, it’s way too easy to lose your own identity, especially as a mom. When your whole self is wrapped up in this person and taking care of your kids, you can forget what makes you, you.
And the same goes for your partner.
Being so enmeshed in each other’s lives is a beautiful, beautiful thing. As long as you can still remember and love who you are as an individual.
These seasons of just feeling pissy are totally normal. But when you try to keep these areas in check, you’ll find that they are much milder and much farther between.
Want someone who’s got YEARS of experience in this area to come alongside you and walk you through step by step how to make this happen in your life?
Check out my 1:1 Coaching.
