If I had a nickel for every time I heard a mom say that they wished they didn’t yell so much at their kids, I would be a gazillionaire.
Psssh.
Gimme a penny and I’d still be able to retire by the time I’m 40.
As a pediatrician, I hear it all the time. You wake up each morning already feeling like you don’t have enough to give to your kids. They push your buttons as you get ready all morning. You snap at them because they left toothpaste on the counter. You snap at them because they were fighting. You snap at them because no one can find socks.
By the time you get to work you’re feeling hella guilty and tell yourself you’ll be so much more patient when you pick them up this afternoon. That lasts 4 minutes into the car ride until everyone is too loud, you realize you don’t have dinner at home, and your boss calls to tell you to come in early tomorrow.
I’ve lived this life.
It’s full of a constant cycle of shame, disappointment, and regret.
But here’s the deal: You aren’t snapping at your kids because you’re a terrible mom. You’re snapping at your kids because you’re burnt out because you don’t have the tools and systems set up in your life to be the amazing mom that you absolutely can be.
If I’ve learned anything from being a working mom, I know that having those systems in place is LIFE. Here are three areas that, when they’re dialed in, make the biggest difference for me and allow me to feel like I have SO much more margin.
Parenting in Partnership
One of the quickest ways to burn yourself out is to try to do all the things, for all the people. If you’re the one responsible for meals, cleaning, chauffeuring kids, the budget, making appointments, AND maintaining your job, you will quickly lose steam. Which, for me, brings out the rage monster.
Having a conversation with your partner to divvy up responsibilities based on gifts and time will take such a huge weight off your shoulders. If every morning you didn’t have to pack lunches for day care AND find the kids clothes (that you washed) AND make breakfast, things like toothpaste on the counter is a lot less likely to trigger you.
When my girls are in school, I’m responsible for their lunches and my husband makes our breakfast. Because I pack them the night before, that frees up my time to be able to keep the kiddos on track for getting ready. But I don’t have to worry about figuring out what they’re going to eat or getting in on the table before we fly out the door. Not my problem :)
If you’re solo parenting, give yourself grace upon grace. But also be creative in looking at people in your village that you can split responsibilities with. Carpool is an easy one, but maybe there’s a neighbor that you can even do lunch swaps with!
Nighttime and Morning Routines
I’ve said it before, but it’s worth noting again: you don’t have to get up an hour before your kids in order to be a calm, caring parent. But I do think that having SOME sort of structured routine is going to give you so much more peace in your home. Lazy Genius author, Kendra Adachi uses a “magic” question to give herself more productivity without having to be doing 24/7: What can I do now to make something easier later?
What can you do in this moment that will help “later you”? Setting up the coffee pot the night before, setting out kids clothes, pulling meat from the freezer, checking the pantry before you head to the store. All things that will take 4 seconds to do, but make a huge difference.
That’s how I view nighttime and morning routines. What can you do now that will help you later? Planning out a week of car-friendly snacks to have on hand when you pick up the kids so that the hangry battles don’t take over in the car. Reviewing your meeting schedule the night before so you can have all your documents prepped. Little things like this don’t have to overwhelm you–and they make the biggest difference!
Planning Your Self-Care In Advance
Nothing activates Screaming Mom Mode in me more than not taking care of myself. When I can feel The Yells coming on, I almost always can take a look back and realize I haven’t had a moment by myself in a few days. Or it’s been a week since I’ve moved my body more than from the car to the house and back.
If your self-care looks like a girls night once a month, get it on the calendar. And if it falls through, go hang by yourself. If it’s hiking once a week, make sure you’ve got childcare arranged and back ups ready to go. If the biggest thing that helps you is 5 minutes in your car before you head in the house after work, set a reminder on your phone (“Siri, remind me every day when I get home to sit and relax.” Seriously, get those location services turned on. It’s the best.)
Snapping at your kids isn’t about the things in the moment. Sure, the mess is obnoxious, the noise is a lot, and the pressure can add up. But when you snap, it’s usually about all the things bubbling underneath that left you depleted of your coping skills.
But by consistently taking care of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally, you’re getting ahead of all that. You’re filling yourself up so you can be at your best when others need you. And there’s nothing selfish about that.
I mean, sex is great. But have you ever had all the laundry done in your house at once? Toe Curling.
Want someone who’s got YEARS of experience in this area to come alongside you and walk you through step by step how to make this happen in your life?
Check out my 1:1 Coaching.
