Each year when school would roll around, I used to have such grand plans of how THIS was going to be the year that I was finally going to be that mom for my daughter’s class. You know the one. She’s always at the school, bringing personalized treats to the teachers (that she obviously knows very well), is the chairperson of all the committees, and you can be absolutely sure that she brought homemade organic vegan brownies to the bakesale that everyone loves.

That was the dream.

Until about 2 days into the school year when that all fell to crap.

As working moms, that kind of investment into the school is basically impossible for us to do. And often we can feel (whether it’s self-imposed or the real or imagined judgment from other non-working parents) that the level of commitment we can do is just not enough. Of all the places it seems working moms are like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole, forever not able to measure up or be fully present enough, it’s at school.

Like we’re holding our kids back or harming them because we’re working parents.

Even if I feel all purposeful about the choices I’ve made about saying yes to work, that lingering question of how it’s affecting my kids still hangs out in the back of my mind. The clanging, “you’re hurting your kids and your family” lie seems loudest whenever it has to do with my kids’ school experiences. 

As the queen Billie Eilish says,

“Stop. What the hell are you talking about?”

Before I even start talking about ways to manage the chaos that the school year can bring, we’ve got to bring some truth to this lie that we hear (mostly from our own self-talk) all the time. We tell ourselves the story that our kids are going to be scarred because we weren’t at every field trip or because a few days a week someone else picked them up from school. This isn’t me saying to work ALL the time and let your kids just deal with it.

Far from it.

But what I AM saying is that all moms are different. As a working mom, we give our kids distinctive learning opportunities, arm them with unique strengths, and show them what's important and what's not. That means we can be fully present for the things that really matter, like being attuned to their emotional and academic progress in school and helping them navigate friendships, but we can absolutely let go of being the bake sale queen. Just buy the damn cookies. 

Repeat after me: I’m the best mom for my kids not in spite of the fact that I work and have dreams, but because I do.

My kids are watching me all the time. They see me hustling hard to reach my goals and being 100% committed to my vision for myself and for them. No, I’m never going to crochet them intricate Halloween costumes (that’d be weird anyway) or greet them with homemade cookies in the afternoon, but I am going to give them a shining example of how to contribute to their communities and how to make a difference in the lives of other people. 

I’m going to show them that the best version of any girl, or of any mom, or of any person, for that matter, is the version that is unapologetically true to herself. Above all, I’m going to be completely invested in my children in the ways that really matter, teaching them the life skills they need to thrive; showing them that women can be nurturers, contributors, and all-out bosses at home and professionally; giving them support, attention, and unconditional love. 

You may work as a customer service agent at a call center and can show your kids how to extend grace and kindness even when others treat you unfairly or get frustrated. You might be an expert business executive who can teach your kids how to negotiate well for themselves, avoiding risky behaviors based on peer pressure down the line. Every working mom has some unique skill or superpower she’s imparting to her kids because she works, not in spite of it.

As your kids go back to school this year, I know we were hoping for a rewind back to a year and a half ago. That they could step back on campus like nothing had ever happened. For most kids, that’s not the case. There’s still masks and social-distancing, if your kid gets to attend in person school at all. Add on top of that the unique way the school year can stress out a mom, and it can be a recipe for meltdowns. How on earth do you keep track of it all when you can’t BE there all of the time?

Quick Tips for Staying Involved With Your Child’s School Life:

1) Sign up for email newsletter updates from the school so you can stay up to date on major happenings.

2) Designate a way to communicate with your child’s teacher effectively and efficiently; apps, email, and text all work well, depending on the situation.

3) Stay in the know by developing a community of other parents you know and trust.

4) Sign up to volunteer only if it works for your schedule and if you have enough bandwidth to handle it.

5) Ask ahead of time about special field trips and classroom events on the calendar so you can pre plan and see which ones your schedule will allow you to attend.