When you get married, everyone has an idyllic picture of what their life will look like. Most people think of the dinners together, the sleepy Saturday mornings, and lots of sex. We all assume that the fights over money, housework, and whose turn it is to go rock the crying baby will never enter the threshold of OUR home.
That happens to THOSE people. Who aren’t as madly in love as we are.
And even if those disagreements did creep in, they’d be talked about in a mutually respectful manner where both sides feel seen and validated. And the makeup sex would be fierce.
(insert uncontrollable giggling)
That’s what everyone’s marriage looks like, right?
There’s not the underlying tone in every argument of whose day was harder. Or who’s doing more of the work. Or whose mother is more intrusive.
Marriage is HARD. Even the healthiest and strongest of marriages take lots of work. ALL the time.
Because it’s one flawed human being who’s raising other flawed human beings with another flawed human being.
It’s kind of a recipe for disaster if we aren’t always trying to better ourselves and our relationship.
One of the biggest silent killers of a healthy relationship is resentment–where one partner feels they’re being treated unfairly by the other. And, believe me, when left untreated, it can create huge holes that you have to climb out of. That are much bigger than the original offense.
Before we can get to the root in order to address it, we first have to even be aware that that’s how we’re feeling. It can often be really difficult to spot and can mask itself with a lot of other emotions–and we end up acting out of those emotions, none the wiser that it stemmed from resentment.
Here’s a few signs you might be feeling resentful towards your partner:
- You experience negative thoughts on a regular, recurring basis about your partner. I’m not just talking about being annoyed because they didn’t take the trash out or loaded the dishwasher wrong. I’m referring to times when you’re really even having a hard time finding any positive qualities about them. Or when you’re brought back to that same thought about them, again and again.
- You keep replaying a conversation or situation between the two of you. Especially if it’s essentially been deemed resolved in your relationship, if you’re having a lot of trouble moving on, chances are, you feel like you didn’t get to speak your mind or weren’t clearly heard. And when this happens repeatedly, resentment grows.
- You find yourself not wanting to be close, physically or emotionally. Hugs used to be your love language, and now you don’t want to be touched. Normally, you really appreciate opening up to him in conversation, and now you’re avoiding it. You’re pulling away because you don’t like how it feels to be close.
So what do you do if you’re feeling resentful towards your partner?
The first step towards restoration is getting to the root of WHERE the resentment is coming from. Can you pinpoint a situation, discussion, or event where you first started feeling this way? This is so key in order to move forward because you can’t expect your partner to apologize or change things in the future if they don’t know (or you don’t know!) exactly what you’re upset about.
Next, you’ve gotta give your partner and yourself lots of grace. People are going to mess this up. I’m not even talking about the actual injustice, necessarily. People mess up this part of making things better. Which can lead to more conflict!
But when you can remember that, again, we’re all just flawed human beings doing our best, you’ll be able to move forward much quicker and are way more likely to be able to show some empathy, rather than holding it over their head for years to come.
Lastly, have that hard conversation. As much as you can, try to use those tried and true “When you _, I feel _.” statements. Be as clear as you can without diving into the “you always” or “you never” games. And pick your timing for that conversation wisely. Right before bed or right after they get home is probably not going to give you the best shot for both of your minds being ready to tackle it.
How can you prevent resentment from creeping in in the first place?
The number one way to keep resentment at bay is open communication. (I know, your mind is blown that I just offered you this brand new, never heard of before piece of advice for relationships.)
But there’s a reason why there’s hundreds and hundreds of books written about the topic: IT’S A BIG DEAL. When you let things fester, what would have been a simple conversation, turns into a huge argument.
When your feelings are hurt, tell them. Don’t allow a miscommunication to create a divide in your marriage–one where other voices can easily work their way in.
Keeping a relationship healthy year after year requires sacrifice and hard work. But doing preventative work like THIS can make it juuuuust that much easier.
You've got this, mama!
For help with intimacy and parenting in Partnership, download the Modern Mamas Club App to get access to the Parenting in Partnership Daily Dose Guided Lessons so you and your partner can get back on track and enjoy each other again.
