EPISODE Highlights:

Dr. Whitney: Tell me about how your latest book, You Are Not a Sh*tty Parent, came about.

Carla: When the pandemic hit, no one knew what to do. We had no idea how to parent while we were working a full time job at home. No one knew how to school our kids while worrying about a world wide virus. No one knew how to do any of it. And our options were between bad and worse, only we didn’t know which was bad and which was worse. And we had to continually make these decisions for our kid that was choosing between one of those. School or home. Work or parenting.

So I was very aware that we needed to treat ourselves with self-compassion. And by that, I mean noticing when we are suffering and responding ourselves with kindness. Because we’re bombarded with ways that our kids are behind and loaded with all of this guilt, so I knew this was the topic I needed to write about.

Dr. Whitney: The idea of common humanity from Dr. Kristen Neff, is the idea that we aren’t alone in our sufferings. That we shouldn’t feel bad about the way that we’re feeling, but that there’s a million people feeling the same way as us. That helped me a ton in regards to self-compassion. Did you ever feel that way?

Carla: Absolutely. Social media can be a great thing that bridges us together, but it can also be the thing that makes us feel isolated because we don’t feel like we’re doing it as well as others. But the idea of common humanity is incorporated into my self-compassion practice, especially when I lost it with my kids. Instead of assuming that I’m the only one who ever yelled at her kids, I started telling myself that parenting is hard for everyone. And just because something is hard doesn’t mean that you’re doing it wrong. In my book, I call it connecting. So either connecting with yourself to remind yourself that you’re not alone or connecting with friends or professionals who can help you see that.

Dr. Whitney: This reminded me of two things: a moment where my husband was fed up about a lot of stressful things that were happening and totally lost his temper and also when my daughters were being mean to each other and shattered this mirror everywhere. When I was talking to my friend about it the next day, I was kind of having a “this only happens to bad moms” moment and she told me “everyone gets to behave badly.” We all have moments like that, right? We lose our temper, we act meanly. We’re humans. But her telling me that was such a relief.

Carla: What a friend! That’s the voice of compassion we all need to hear. We all have miserable days, we just don’t all share them on instagram. So when we do have them, we feel like no one else has ever felt this way.

Dr. Whitney: Are there practices that you’ve added in your self-compassion journey? What worked better than others or was it just the awareness piece? I always think of it as awareness, validation, and then the common humanity. Can you expand on that?

Carla: My practice is a little bit different, but that’s what’s great about self-compassion–it’s very flexible. For me, the first step was learning that self-compassion even existed. I learned about mindfulness as a last ditch effort to get my own emotions under control. So I learned that it’s not just this oooey gooey thing, but it’s actually an evidenced based practice that helps you move through difficult moments and lowers anxiety and depression. So even acknowledging that that was helpful was step number one for me.

But in the book, I outline 4 steps: First, notice when you are suffering and how it presents in your thoughts. Notice the voice that is beating yourself up and telling self-deprecating stories. The second step is about connecting with someone who is going to help you frame those stories with a lens of non-judgement. The next step is curiosity around your own experience. Maybe in a bad moment, ask yourself, “What is actually happening right now?” Now what your thoughts are telling you, but what is actually happening. Curiosity is about getting a handle on what’s happening and what you need. And then take those answers seriously. The last piece is kindness, which the biggest way is speaking to yourself with kindness. I don’t have to be a perfect parent to be a great one. Everyone gets to behave badly. Just because it’s hard doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. You show up for others with kindness when they are suffering–do that for yourself as well.

Dr. Whitney: As you’ve practiced this more, do you find that it bleeds over to other areas of your life besides parenting? Do you notice yourself practicing that compassion more now, rather than having to find it in someone else?

Carla: YES! Learning to treat yourself with compassion is just like learning a new language. It won’t happen overnight, but it takes time and practice and you will get there. And once you learn Spanish, it’s not like you can just speak it with your kids. You can start using it at work, with your partner. And that’s how treating yourself with compassion feels. Rewiring your brain for self-compassion starts to bleed into every other area of your life.

Let’s talk about practicing it yourself versus going to someone else for it. If you can’t speak the language, you have to go a native speaker. If you aren’t there yet, you have to fake it till you make it. Repeating the messages and keep practicing. Even when it feels weird, I promise it gets better. You’re rewiring the neurons in your brain and that takes time!

Dr. Whitney: I don’t think you HAVE to have any extras to do this, but if any of you are struggling with how to start, Mindful Mamas is my go to and it’s all mom-centric. I think that talking to myself with compassion has been the biggest thing that’s changed my life. It certainly hasn’t changed my circumstances, but absolutely changes the way I cope with them. And I’m a much better parent, wife, doctor, friend because of it.

Carla: This reminds me of the Buddhist story of the two arrows. There’s an arrow that comes at us. Could be a job loss, a diagnosis, a child’s behavior, whatever. These first arrows are unavoidable. They’re going to come. And then immediately after, a second arrow comes and hits us right in the sore spot. That second arrow is however we respond to whatever just happened to us. We blame ourselves, we shame ourselves, we get angry. All of these things that make the moment worse. The first arrow is the pain of life; it’s unavoidable. But we can put down that second arrow. We don’t have to get struck with it. 

So you lost your temper. That’s a first arrow thing, it’s going to happen. After that first arrow hits, are we going to stab ourselves with the second one? More pain, more sorrow? Or are we going to immediately start the work of repair for yourself and those that are affected?

And so much parenting advice focuses on the first arrow problems. Bad sleeps, tantrums, picky eaters. But those arrows are going to come. But we choose to pick up the second arrow and tell ourselves that if we were good parents, this wouldn’t be happening. That’s second arrow BS right there. We have to let go of that and combat it with self-compassion. 

Dr. Whitney: Tell us again the name of your book and where people can get it.

Carla: It’s called You Are Not a Sh*tty Parent: How to Practice Self-Compassion and Give Yourself a Break and it published in September of 2022. You can get it independent book shops or at your favorite online retailer.