One of the oldest arguments in the motherhood community is the one between working moms and stay-at-home moms.
Who has it harder? Whose job is more exhausting? (Just an aside, I KNOW not every mom decides to jump in this fight…I’m just saying that if you haven’t said it out loud, you’ve probably thought it at one point or another.)
Working moms think stay-at-home moms have it easier because they don’t have to balance motherhood AND a career. Stay-at-home moms think working moms have it easier because they get to escape the monotony of home life when they go to work.
And today, we’re gonna settle it once and for all.
Just kidding. There’s no debate.
All moms are working their asses off and doing the best they absolutely can with what they’ve got, mmkay? We’re not gonna be adding to the ways moms already feel like they’re not doing enough by pitting them against each other in some sort of comparison competition.
So we’re all just gonna agree that motherhood is hard. Period.
Here at Modern Mommy Doc, we know that
all moms are doing important work. But we focus on helping career-focused moms organize their stress so they can live purposeful, aligned lives. So that’s the question I wanna tackle today:
Why are working moms so damn exhausted at work?
You weren’t wired to leave your work stress at work and your home stress at home.
Which means you’re feeling all the stress all the time. The way men and women operate and compartmentalize is pretty remarkably different. Have you heard of the waffle brain vs the spaghetti brain? Men are waffles; women are spaghetti.
Just go with me on this one.
Think of the way syrup hangs out on a waffle. All of it stays in its own little compartment (unless, of course, you pour it on like my 9 year old and drown it in syrup. Then there’s no hope.) This is how men’s brains separate all the parts of their lives (this is a generalization, I know, so please don't come at me about how some men don't operate this way. =)) They have their work compartment. Their home compartment. Their marriage compartment. Their friendship compartment.
Women, on the other hand, are like spaghetti (again, a generalization, I know, but a generally true one). There’s no keeping things separate. Everything in the bowl gets all mixed together and jumbled into one saucy dish. Our work bleeds into our marriage which bleeds into our friendships which bleeds into our parenting.
That’s why when you’ve just finished putting your kids down for the last 45 minutes, facing battle after battle, you want nothing to do other than zoning out with some wine and Netflix and your husband is ready to Get. It. On. In our minds, there’s no WAY you’re gonna be in the mood. You’re emotionally drained from the war zone you just came out of. In a man’s mind, he’s closed the parenting box, put it away on the shelf, and opened the sex box.
Err. Uuuh. You know what I mean.
This, of course, affects the way we are at our jobs. For the most part, men are singularly focused on their work when they’re there.
We don’t have that luxury.
Our brain jumbles it all together so we aren’t just thinking about the presentation we have coming up, but we’re also worried about how we’re going to get our kids from the babysitter to their practice tonight, what we can grab to eat on the way there, what uniform they’re supposed to wear, whether or not it’s clean, are you the snack mom, when’s the last time you had sex, and what time you’re supposed to pick up your mother-in-law’s birthday gift.
Which is exhausting just writing, let alone actually living it.
Cool, Dr. Whitney. So I guess I’ll just be deliriously drained at work all the time. Coolcoolcooooool.
Not so fast, mama.
There’s another huge reason you’re feeling this way.
You’re doing it all. And you’re doing it all alone.
That’s the deadliest of combos.
Remember that whole mess of responsibilities from before? The one that’s a mile long and no un-super human could ever accomplish? Somehow we’ve convinced ourselves that every single thing on that list is of the same tippy top priority. That if one ball falls, we’re an utter failure.
When in reality, it’s the system that’s failed us. The system that’s been set up for us to fail. And the system that we’ve bought into.
Barbie’s
America Ferrera said it the absolute best:
It is literally impossible to be a woman. You are so beautiful, and so smart, and it kills me that you don’t think you’re good enough. Like, we always have to be extraordinary, but somehow we’re always doing it wrong.
You have to be thin, but not too thin. And you can never say you want to be thin. You have to say you want to be healthy, but also you have to be thin. You have to have money, but you can’t ask for money, because that’s crass. You have to be a boss, but you can’t be mean. You have to lead, but you can't squash other people's ideas.
You’re supposed to love being a mother, but don’t talk about your kids all the damn time. You have to be a career woman, but also always be looking out for other people. You have to answer for men’s bad behavior, which is insane, but if you point that out, you’re accused of complaining. You’re supposed to stay pretty for men, but not so pretty that you tempt them too much or that you threaten other women, because you’re supposed to be a part of the sisterhood. But always stand out and always be grateful. But never forget that the system is rigged. So find a way to acknowledge that, but also always be grateful.
You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line. It’s too hard! It’s too contradictory and nobody gives you a medal or says thank you! And it turns out, in fact, that not only are you doing everything wrong, but also everything is your fault.
There’s zero percent chance of ever living up to that.
And THEN when you try to do all of that without any help? Fuhgettaboudit.
Women in two income households are STILL doing more than their fair share of household responsibilities. And I don’t mean just cleaning. There’s so many emotionally and mentally draining tasks that have nothing to do with cooking or laundry.
It’s the literally hundreds of decisions you have to make every single day as a working mom.
If you don’t parent in partnership and create a system that aligns with your values, you WILL end up lost and overwhelmed without any sense of how to get back to who you used to be.
Mama, I’ve been there. And I wanna help. That's why I wrote Doing it All, my new book. It goes step-by-step through the Centered Life Blueprint Framework we use at Modern Mommy Doc .
If you want to stop feeling so exhausted all the time,
check it out!
