Let’s have an honest moment here: if you’re reading this, chances are you’re the default parent—the one who’s responsible for keeping the household running, remembering everyone’s schedules, making sure there’s milk in the fridge, and ensuring that the kids don’t show up to school in mismatched socks. You know, the person doing all the things. And while you’re juggling all these tasks, it probably feels like no one else even notices the mental acrobatics you’re pulling off on a daily basis. Sound familiar?

But here’s the thing: doing it all isn’t just unsustainable, it’s unnecessary. You don’t need to be the household CEO, the taskmaster, or the only one in charge of making sure everything gets done. In fact, you shouldn’t be. The truth is, parenting should be a partnership, and if you’re shouldering the majority of the load, it’s time to make a change.

The Invisible Load of the Default Parent

First, let’s define what I mean by “default parent.” The default parent is the one who manages the day-to-day operations of the household: the meals, the laundry, the doctor’s appointments, the school forms, the playdates, the birthday gifts, the everything. You’re the one who keeps mental tabs on all of it—and the kicker? Much of this work is invisible.

This “invisible labor” is more than just physical tasks; it’s the emotional and mental work of thinking about all the things that need to be done. You’re the one managing schedules, anticipating needs, and constantly staying one step ahead. Even when your partner helps, it can feel like they’re waiting for you to tell them what needs to be done, as if you’re the project manager of the household.

And let’s be real—this is exhausting.

Why True Partnership Matters

So why does this default-parent dynamic matter so much? Because it leads to burnout, resentment, and a lopsided partnership where one person is doing the bulk of the work. And when that happens, everyone suffers: you feel overwhelmed and underappreciated, your partner feels disconnected from the household, and the whole family dynamic can start to break down.

The solution? Equity. And I don’t just mean splitting tasks 50/50. True equity in a relationship is about both partners sharing the mental load, being proactive, and feeling equally responsible for the well-being of the family. It’s about not just doing chores but also thinking about them—anticipating needs, planning ahead, and taking ownership.

When you build an equitable partnership at home, a few magical things happen:

• You’re less stressed. Imagine waking up and not having to carry the mental to-do list of a thousand tiny tasks. You can finally relax knowing that someone else is picking up the slack.

• Your partner feels more connected. When both partners are equally involved, it strengthens your relationship. You’re not the boss delegating tasks—you’re a team working together.

• Your kids benefit. When kids see both parents involved equally, it sends a powerful message about teamwork, responsibility, and balance. Plus, it helps them develop stronger relationships with both of you.



The "Equity Audit": A Reality Check

Okay, let’s get practical. The first step to creating true equity at home is figuring out who’s currently doing what. I like to call this the Equity Audit. It’s a simple, but super revealing exercise that helps you take a good hard look at how things really get done in your household.

Here’s how it works:

• Make a List: Take out a piece of paper and draw two columns—one for you and one for your partner. Then, list out all the tasks that are part of your daily, weekly, and monthly routine. Include everything from grocery shopping and laundry to paying bills and keeping track of school events. Don’t forget the invisible tasks too—like remembering which snacks your kids like or keeping track of doctor’s appointments.

• Compare Notes: Once you’ve finished your list, sit down with your partner and ask them to do the same. This is a no-judgment zone—it’s about creating awareness, not pointing fingers. The goal is to get a clear picture of who’s responsible for what.

When you compare your lists, you’ll probably notice a few things. First, you’re likely doing way more than your partner realized (and maybe even more than you realized). Second, there’s probably a whole bunch of invisible work that’s not even on their radar—work that’s weighing heavily on you.

This is where the conversation starts.

Having the Conversation (Without the Drama)

Now that you have the data, it’s time to have the conversation. And yes, this is where things can get tricky, but it’s also where the magic happens. The key is to approach this discussion as a team effort, not a blame game.

Here’s how to approach it:

1.Lead with Vulnerability: Share how you’re feeling—not in an accusatory way, but in a way that opens the door for connection. Something like, “I’ve been feeling really overwhelmed lately, and I realized that I’m carrying a lot of the load at home. I’d love for us to work together to balance things out a bit more.”

2.Highlight the Benefits: This isn’t just about you—it’s about making life better for both of you. Talk about how sharing the load will give both of you more time and energy to focus on what really matters. Mention the positive effects on your relationship and your kids.

3.Create a Plan: This is where you start to redistribute the load. Look at your Equity Audit and decide which tasks your partner can take on. Maybe they’ll start managing the grocery shopping or take over the morning school routine. Whatever it is, make sure it’s something they can own completely—no micromanaging allowed.

Letting Go of Control (And Perfectionism)

Here’s the hard part: once you’ve had the conversation and created a plan, you have to let go. And by that, I mean you need to let go of control and perfectionism. Your partner might not do things exactly the way you would, and that’s okay. The important thing is that they’re stepping up and sharing the responsibility.

If you hover, nitpick, or try to take over, you’re sending the message that you don’t trust them to handle it—and that’s not the way to build a true partnership. So take a deep breath, step back, and let them handle it their way.

What True Equity Looks Like

True equity in a partnership is about more than just dividing chores. It’s about both partners feeling equally responsible for the emotional, mental, and physical work of running a household. It’s about being proactive, not just reactive. It’s about stepping up without being asked.

When both partners are truly invested in the day-to-day responsibilities of parenting and managing the household, the benefits ripple through every aspect of your life. You’re less stressed, your partner feels more connected, and your kids thrive in a balanced, supportive environment.

Final Thoughts: You Deserve Equity

At the end of the day, you deserve to be in a partnership where the load is shared equally. You don’t have to carry it all on your own, and you certainly don’t have to be the default parent. By taking the time to assess where things stand, having the hard conversations, and letting go of control, you can create a home life that’s balanced, equitable, and supportive.

And the best part? You’ll finally have the space to breathe, to focus on what matters most, and to build a relationship that’s built on true partnership. It’s time to stop doing it all and start doing it together.