Recently, a friend of mine had an experience so many of you can relate to. Her sister-in-law was expecting and then, just as suddenly, wasn’t. Miscarriage may be common among women, but it is no less heartbreaking. And as her sister-in-law began to pick up the pieces of her hopes and plans, my friend shared the story of her own miscarriage.
It’s often said that misery loves company, but a better expression might be that hope thrives in good company.
Why else do we humans share our own stories – painful, beautiful, despairing, hopeful – when someone we care about is suffering? Partly to connect, sure, but more often to express an important lesson about the power of faith and positive thinking.
As a pediatrician, I often walk hand-in-hand with people as they go through the ups and downs of parenting.
And what I come away with after so many appointments is how resilient we moms are and how far positivity can carry us.
Take my patient, Penelope[1], for example. She was born when her mom, Carrie, was just 28 weeks along in her pregnancy. Penelope spent her first weeks of life in the NICU where modern medicine made sure she could breathe and eat – basic functions she couldn’t do on her own.
Carrie, meanwhile, had to face down a lot of fears: would her little one make it? And even if she did survive, would she thrive?
“I clung to staying positive as a new mom,” Carrie told me. “I knew that, while it was okay to get discouraged sometimes, my daughter needed me to be strong for her.”
But, as any mama knows, you can’t go this road alone. “So many of my friends and family came alongside me to help me keep a positive mindset,” Carrie recalled.
Hope, in other words, is a team sport.
Fast forward three years. Penelope just came into my office for her well-child visit, and she is a bright, happy little girl. Her mom and I worked together early on to make sure we optimized her language skills and her physical development. It took her a little while to catch up to her peers, but she did.
Medical interventions, including professional therapies, were essential to Penelope’s success, but so was her mom’s commitment to holding on to optimism, even on her most difficult days.
Of course, modern mamas have lots of different worries. Sometimes it’s a health emergency; sometimes it’s a global one.
Lonni, for example, emigrated with her family to the U.S. last year on a work visa. She’d landed her dream job as a VP at a big financial firm. Then COVID-19 hit. Ever since, she’s been juggling caring for her toddler and grade-school children while handling Zoom calls and wondering if she’ll still have a job
when the pandemic ends.
“The only thing I -can- do is stay positive,” she told me when we ran into each other in my office.
She was getting the paperwork for her son’s school registration, and it was clear she had more than vaccination records on her mind. “What’s the alternative?” she asked. “I am worried I will lose everything I’ve worked so hard for, but in the end, I know what I can control and what I can’t. I can control my perspective. That’s pretty much it.”
But perspective is a powerful tool in our arsenal for survival, whether it’s physical, financial, or emotional. A positive outlook, a sense of hope – those things grow stronger with the telling and the sharing. It may not erase the pain of a situation, but it usually makes the ending a feel little happier.
[1] All names and some details have been changed for anonymity.
I know first-hand that working mom life is hard, but I also know it doesn’t have to be impossible.
Trust me. The best way to get unstuck isn’t to work harder. It’s to use a framework that gets real results, no matter what area you need to tackle first.