Dr. Whitney: Hey everybody. Welcome back to the Modern Mommy Doc Podcast. I am excited today. I have Miss Amber Trueblood with us. We're gonna be talking about getting unflustered as a mom. We're gonna talk about what are all the practical things that you can do and how to have perspective. Amber, thanks so much for being on the show.

Amber: Thank you for having me. I'm so excited to chat with your audience today and hopefully share some real life realistic strategies that they can actually impart in their lives tonight.

Dr. Whitney: Yes, 100%. This is such a huge topic. Yesterday in my office, I was talking with a fellow pediatrician and she was saying, I really feel like parents these days need to get into parenting classes. They have no idea how to parent their kids. They feel like they've just given up. This is a kind of old school doc who's in my practice. And I said, you know, if I am being honest, I think there's two things going on. I think one, parents have so much conflicting information and are pulled on their heart about how they were parented. And then all the new information that's coming out in the new science about emotional regulation and all that, right? So they find themselves caught in this weird middle where they don't know what to do. But I said, we can educate them on that. That's for sure. I was like, but the bigger thing I think is just these moms are coming in and dads are coming in, a lot of times two people working in the home, multiple siblings, out of a pandemic. So many expectations, a lot going on, and they feel flustered. And it's really hard to focus on good parenting when you feel flustered.

Amber: So true. It's so true. And with people who are newer to the parenting world (if they're adopting older kids, that's one thing that has a different set of factors), if you have a newborn in your house, or even a six month old or six month old and a three-year-old, you're dealing with questions like are your basic physiological needs even being met? Because it's hard to have any clarity or decision making skills when you are exhausted. When you're physically exhausted, it's so difficult to keep your patience or think clearly at all.

And so we can share hard and fast some tools around that, because to me, those are completely correlated to and intermingled with your emotional wellbeing and your ability to reduce stress and overwhelm in the moment. It's not separate. It's not like "I'll worry about sleep later." We all know that it's related. But we can often forget when we're out and about and we're feeling impatient and then we're beating ourselves up for snapping at people or snapping at our kids or getting all the way to the park and then realizing we forgot the various snack bags that we just spent an hour cutting up all the flipping pieces of. And kids don't wanna leave the park and go back and get it, but you have all this healthy food. And then we spiral and it's not necessarily shame at that level, but this frustration, this self-judgment and then that amplifies everything else, right?

So we have some strategies I would love to share with you and talk to you about today that I think can help. But I also think too, Whitney, that we gotta start with something that you mentioned earlier. When we're getting all this advice from all these different sources and people who care about us, people who know us, they're not trying to make us crazy, right? For the most part, hopefully, right? And our physicians and our therapists and our neighbors and our cousins and our mother-in-laws, hopefully everybody really is coming at it with the best intentions possible. I like to believe that about people.

But what happens then, especially if it's an age and stage that's new to us, we tend to default to other people's opinions, especially if we respect them. However, in that process, we often forget to lean into what feels right to us and have that balance and that self trust. Because if you make a decision based on, this feels really strong at my core, you're more able to stick to it. Kids can read a mile away if you don't really believe what the heck you're saying or the rules you're making. Or if you're unsure, they can read it and they're gonna respond differently. If you are a vegan household, for instance, and you are clear as all get out of what your beliefs are about food, the kids hear that, they see it, they know this is not a negotiating factor.

And so I think often when we get advice from other people and we're like, okay, all right, I'll try that. You are not fully on board and your kids aren't, and you're gonna get a different response than if you take the advice and you sit with it for a moment. I know y'all don't have a lot of time, but you just check in, how does this feel? Does this resonate with what I really care about? What's important to me? This part does, but this part not so much. Okay. And then move forward from there.

I think in any area, whether that's like a parenting thing, whether that's health and wellness of physical things, whether that's a bedtime, whether that's whether you're gonna give your kids dessert after lunchtime, whatever it is that you're trying to figure out. You have guidelines and oh shoot, now it's summer. Does bedtime change? All of these things. I would just encourage you first and foremost, listen to the advice and before you make a decision, check in with yourself. The more you can get aligned with your decisions, both within yourself and with your partner, any other people that are parenting your children along with you. So it could be your partner, but it also could be a babysitter. It could be a neighbor that watches them four days a week while you're working. You know, it could be a grandparent. The more you can get on the same page, the better. And we can talk about specific strategies that can help instead of like, Hey, this is the new rule. Period. That doesn't always work.

Dr. Whitney: I have so much to say about that in agreement. And also a question for you. It's something that I've grappled with a long time, I think a lot of our listeners do. But first, we have to back up for a second so that when people hear this, then they're gonna take your advice with so much gravitas.

Amber: By the way, my name's Amber. Hi. So my name's Amber Truett. I just jump in, right? I get excited. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist. I'm mom to four boys who are right now ages 10, 12, 14, and 15 years old. We have experienced a lot of different schooling. So we did a lot of homeschooling. We did out-schooling, we did traveling. They're back in traditional school now. We live in San Diego. And I love to write and I love to read books.

So I just published my second book called the Unflustered Mom, and it's about, by and large, anxiety. Not necessarily diagnosable levels of anxiety. It's about the daily stress, anxiety, and overwhelm we feel as humans in a day, in a week, in a month. And the practical strategies that we can use, depending on our specific anxiety style, to work for you in reducing those feelings of overwhelm. Not that they're not ever gonna happen. You're never gonna be completely forever unflustered. But when the fluster moments come up, do you have the tools in your emotional toolbox to deal with it effectively, easily, quickly, and in a way that doesn't necessarily require a whole lot of space and time? Which you may not have.

Dr. Whitney: Yeah. Okay. Awesome. I love it. Thank you. Because then people A) will go out and get the book. I highly recommend it. I was able to go get in and read it before I talked to you, and I really loved it. And B), they'll just understand where you're coming from and kind of the scientific background and the credentials that you have behind your name, versus being potentially another person that's just on the internet with really goodwill, wanting the best for moms, but maybe not understanding the actual way the dynamics work or psychotherapy. So here's my thing about what you said about being able to trust yourself. I think this is one of the fundamental – actually, I'm not gonna say "I think," – I KNOW this is one of the fundamental issues for moms today. Many of us, not that I speak for every single listener, many of us, including myself, we're conditioned as women, as young girls to be pleasing, be yes people, to not make too many people upset.

We're conditioned by society because we're women. You know, try to accept lower pay and to be in a more subservient role. We are conditioned to not be able to trust that we have the same level of worth as other people. That we should have our needs and our feelings met with the same level of priority as other people. And that we don't deserve the same level of space as other people, to be this hot mama kind of meme or mantra that goes around for people, which I make fun of all the time on my social media. So you'll see me being like, "me: yelling at my kids, because I'm literally hanging on by a thread." You know what I mean? So I know that that makes it so hard for people, for women, moms, to know themselves and trust themselves and perpetuates this lack of healthy boundaries that then makes it so that people totally can smell fear on us and not trust what we're saying, because we don't trust ourselves.

So some of the most important work that I deal with moms and that I have done on myself is learning to listen to myself, giving myself the space to be able to listen to what I want and what I need. Which for me comes, I'm gonna give you like a hot tip here, mom, comes from moving my body in nature. Going on a walk in nature. And you don't have to be in silence. You can listen to Beyonce, you can listen to Bieber. You can listen to Dua Lipa. You could pick your brand of relaxation. And then it's getting quiet in my own brain and having a moment to process it, but then it's practicing it in safe spaces, setting those boundaries and then extending it out to other people where it's more difficult.

So I want your take on that, but I firmly believe that this is a huge part of it, this lack of boundaries that moms have not based off their own desire to be that way or because there's something weak about them. But because of how they've been conditioned. And then what happens when you become a mom and your priorities already kind of go to the bottom of the list. Because there's so many physical needs for your kid and your family.

Amber: Right? Yes. So many things. Oh my gosh. Okay, here we go. Dang, there is hope. Yeah. Y'all, there are ways through this. I agree with you wholeheartedly. And I think the people around us do change and can change, but not necessarily when and how we want them to ever, right? So, the old adage that several people I think have been quoted with different versions of this, but essentially, we treat other people how to treat us by how we treat ourselves. Not by telling them how we think they should treat us. It really is modeling to other people how we treat ourselves. And that's so much easier said than done for many of us. I think there's some very real things that we can do to help move in that direction in life.

And when I'm ever talking to clients or on podcasts, I talk about having two different sets of tools at your disposal. One is preventative tools. So these are things like you mentioned. You know deeply for yourself that moving in nature fills you up. That it fills you up, it makes you more emotionally resilient. It helps you physically, it probably helps you sleep, it probably helps your digestive tract. It probably helps all kinds of different things. Your decision making ability, your memory, your ability to concentrate, your ability to remember things, your problem solving ability. It goes on and on, right? And so you already know that. So you can put that in your basket of preventative things. Hey, three days a week or every single morning or whatever it is, two days a week, whatever's realistic. Or, we're on vacation this week, so I'm gonna make sure to do it before we leave for the airport. I'm gonna pack the night before and I'm gonna still take my walk, whatever it is. So those are in your preventative toolbox.

And then I also really want parents to have the in the moment tools. And the way I break them up, just so y'all know, is literally one minute tools. So these are things like neuro hacks, which I am obsessed with because sometimes when you're feeling overwhelmed or angry or hurt or anxious, it's really hard to talk yourself out of it or gratitude yourself out. I mean, it's possible. Love gratitude practices. I love breathing practices. I love meditation practices. I love visualization practices. I talk about them all the time. I teach them all the time. However, they do take a certain amount of time and they need some quiet space. So it's not always possible to do that in the car with two kids in the backseat when you're late for something. Or you're at a stoplight. So I break it up into one minute strategies, 10 minute strategies and 30 minute strategies. And then I don't even go further than that, because if you had time for a longer time than that, go on a retreat.

Dr. Whitney: Okay. Give us the one minute strategies, because I think this is what people are gonna find the most difficulty with in the moment. So tell us some of those.

Amber: Okay. So, and what I would ask for you is, can you hop in with explaining what is happening in our brains neurologically when I do each one of these? Because you'll probably be able to explain it better than I could.

Dr. Whitney: You are speaking my love language. Yes. Go.

Amber: Beautiful. We can tag team it. Okay. So the first one I'm gonna give is chewing gum. I'm gonna explain it in more practical terms and you can explain it neurologically. So when you chew, our bodies think that we are eating, because cavemen didn't have gum. (I don't think they did. Maybe they chewed on bark or something. They could have done that, too, or leaves.) But your body thinks that you're eating. And so your body and your brain thinks that you are safe. You are not about to be chased by a saber toothed tiger. You don't need your body to work as if it's about to go into fight or flight mode. Right? So your heart rate, I'll let you explain that kind of stuff, but you're basically tricking your brain into believing that you are, in fact, safe. So the blood can go back to your brain from your extremities, your heart rate can go down, maybe your respiratory rate can go down, you can breathe more deeply. I'll let you explain more. But that is a great way of kind of going around your logical mind instead of telling yourself, I need to calm down. I have five minutes before this meeting and I'm so upset right now I can't function. It's a way to trick your brain into calming the F down. Do you wanna explain?

Dr. Whitney: Yes, yes. Wait, and let me make this connection too before I explain that. Think about when you chew food, when we go for food, part of that is a calming strategy that we're doing at a very basic evolutionary practice to try to calm ourselves down, because eating is calming. So way better to be chewing food, to be chewing gum, than to grab the cake and stuff it in your mouth at a time when you're stressed out. Right? So basically this is how I explain to people, your brain is super smart, but it's also super dumb. So it thinks that we literally are still in the dark ages, on its basic level, especially when it gets triggered by stress.

We have not changed at all. So even though we would like to think that we are hyper aware and we can think through everything, no. When you get in a stress state, your body basically goes to the basics. And that basic is, I need to get away from this, I need to run, I need to hide, I need to go as fast as possible. Think about, like you said, a tiger chasing us in the woods or in the jungle. So that means our heart rate has to go up, our blood pressure's gonna go up, our eyes are getting focused on the prize and we're not gonna think clearly. All we're gonna think about is getting from point A to point B. We cannot problem solve at that moment. We are just in high stress, one direction mode.

On the other hand, when we're in a relaxed state, our body's think that we're safe, that we're floating in a river from the dark ages and that it's time to eat and that we're all safe and sound. So our digestion kicks in and that's good. That's when our heart rate blows down, our blood pressure goes down, we feel more relaxed. So you can, like you said, trick your brain when you have what I like to call a "paper tiger." So you see a bill from your credit card and you're like, oh no! That's a paper tiger, right? It's not a real tiger chasing you in the jungle. But in modern days, that's a real tiger.

Amber: Can I say one thing about paper tigers? Funny thing is, even if the paper tiger turns out to be a paper kitten, but for a second you think it is--you think it's the bill, you think it's maybe that angry email from your boss or your neighbor or your ex landlord--and it's not, it doesn't matter. Your body still goes into that mode, it doesn't even matter if it's not really the thing that is scary.

Dr. Whitney: Yes. So you can trick your brain by doing activities that mimic what happens when you are in the relaxation state, when you're in your parasympathetic nervous system. So yeah. Okay. So that's an awesome one. Okay. I love it.

Amber: So we'll do two more quick ones, because I think they touch on slightly different mechanisms. So one of them is a cross lateral movement. I don't know if you've talked to your audience about these yet. So the easiest cross lateral movement that's easy to teach from the waist up here, is if you put one hand flat, so say put your left hand flat like a pancake, and you take your right hand and I want you to karate chop across it six times as quickly as possible. And then you're gonna reverse the hands. So you're gonna go 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. 

And I want you to move your top hand only. Because sometimes we only move our dominant hand. You wanna make sure that you're reversing that. And what this does is it facilitates the communication between your right and left hemispheres. So if you're spiraling, you can't let go of something, you're so upset, or you're so angry, or you're so hurt, and you're just kind of stuck in that.

So cross lateral movement and really any movement that cross where you're physically moving your body. So literally like walking, crawling, anything. It crosses the midline of your brain. This is why tapping has become really, really talked about a lot and used so much, that if you do this movement, you do this karate chop, you're gonna go six times as quickly as possible and then six times as quickly as possible. Now make sure that you actually relax your shoulders and breathe, because if you're holding your breath and you're just going in as fast as you can and your teeth are clenched, that's the opposite of what we want here. That's not gonna help. So you do have to purposefully relax your shoulders, breathe in and out through your nose, and then do six and six and six. 

And I've had people, Whitney, ask me well, how long do you do it? And it was so interesting because I thought, oh, I've never had to time it. Because you can tell physiologically when you start to calm down. So I will estimate that it takes no more than 30 seconds, most of the time, for you to calm your nervous system. And all of a sudden you're like, okay, I remember what just happened. It didn't cause any sort of self-hypnosis, but it released that visceral, agitated, emotional reaction. And I can look at it with a lot more reason and space. 

And I think workspaces should use this before you start a team meeting. If you are in the middle of an argument with your partner and you're not getting anywhere, and it's just cycling, A) don't do it before bedtime, B) don't do it in your bedroom, C) go outside if you can be moving. But one of these cross lateral movements will also help you take a moment and reset your central nervous system.

Dr. Whitney: Yeah, absolutely. Well, there's a couple things happening with that. One, we have a more logical side of our brain and then a side of our brain that's more artistic or creative or whatnot. And so by crossing those two things, it's making it so that we're able to bring more logic into the moment. The other thing that it's doing is releasing some of that energy. You know, they say when you have anger, you have a big emotion. It has to go somewhere. So it could come out and you're spewing out obscenities at people. It could go with you coping by eating something really quick. Or it could go by you moving your body.

It also is a distraction for a second, but not in a way that you have to think about. Like don't think about it. Don't get angry, don't get angry. don't get angry. It's more like I'm gonna focus my attention on this movement that I'm doing. So all three of those things are happening in your brain when you do that. The other thing that happens when you get really upset is you have your limbic system, which is again, kind of your reptilian brain, your most archaic part of your brain. That's your emotion center. 

And then your logical brain, which sits in your prefrontal cortex. I always think about it like a fist as the amygdala and then we have the prefrontal cortex on top. And when you are upset, it actually flips your lid, what we call it in pediatrics. And makes it so that the prefrontal cortex all of a sudden has absolutely no control at all. It gets out of the way, right?

Amber: It gets outta the way on purpose, right? Like, you don't need me right now.

Dr. Whitney: Again, kind of with the tiger thing, right? Because it's like, whoa, I guess you don't need me to run purely on emotion right now. Think like adrenaline. What's the thing that I need to do right this second? I mean, think of people who heroically pick up a car, so that they can get a baby out the way. It can be really helpful in situations where there actually is a need for that piece of our brain to work.

Amber: And a lot of times your prefrontal cortex is saying, you can't lift this car. That's not logical. You might hurt your back, blah, blah, blah. You don't need that language. You don't need that.

Dr. Whitney: Exactly. But when we are kind of flipping our lids emotionally, then we do want more of that logic to come down. So that's another way to think about it, is that this sort of activity allows the moment, allows the pause for that lid to come back down and for the prefrontal cortex to be involved and in sync with our emotions instead of them being completely separate.

Amber: Beautiful. Beautiful. So there's a lot of different things that you can do like this. And in the book, I have a whole chapter where I walk people through creating their own. And this is where we circle back to self-trust and really knowing what's gonna work best for you, versus your neighbor, your best friend, your sister-in-law. Because they're gonna come and be like, oh my gosh, I found this thing I'm doing. It's called a cross lateral movement. It's awesome. 

Now granted, I think that is one that will work for almost everybody. But, sometimes people suggest things that you're like, oh, okay, I want the result you are getting. So I'm gonna do that same thing before kind of checking in with myself. 

I've had people a lot come to me lately and be like, oh my gosh, I'm obsessed with CrossFit. Like I love it. It's changed my life. Yeah. It's so fun. And I feel myself starting to get excited with them. Like, okay, I need to find a CrossFit class. And then I sit back and say, okay, I want the result that they have and you know what? I already know what gives me that result. Because, especially if you're a little older, dance classes, hands down, dance classes do it for me way more than any other type of physical activity I have found to date.

And so instead I say, oh, I want that result. Do I know another way that I already know has worked for me in the past or something I've really wanted to always do and never quite given myself the permission to do. That's what you need to answer. 

So anyway, in the book I have what's called, your Emergency Emotional Support Plan. And what I want you to do there is to pick three of the activities, because I suggest a bunch of them, like the ones we just mentioned. I want you to pick three that are in the 60 second range, three that are in the 10 minute and three that are in the 30 minute range. And that's your plan. 

Because often when we're in the zone, it's hard to remember. And even if we remember, sometimes we don't wanna do it, because part of us feels validated when we stay mad. It's like, well, they need to know what they did is not okay, what they did. So I'll show them by being really pissy all day.

Dr. Whitney: Yeah. We self-sabotage ourselves basically.

Amber: Yeah. So it's like the whole drinking poison, thinking it's gonna hurt your enemy. Like really, it's mostly hurting you to stay in that zone. So when you create your own Emergency Support Plan and you have it in your phone and you have it on your laptop and you have a printout in your car, or whatever in your purse, and then you check in, you also know your triggers. Like, man, I'm going to that ice cream drawer in my freezer every single time the kids go to bed this week. I know something's up with me. I know I'm being emotionally triggered and I'm soothing myself with ice cream or whatever it is.

Or I know that when I start ranting on social media on people's feeds that I don't even know and I don't even care about, I know for me that's an indication that something's off and I maybe need to start implementing some true, what I call true self-care, not surface self-care. Which is nice in the moment. Totally fine. It's not this kind of lasting deep effect. So knowing your triggers is a big part of the book. Like giving you an idea and then also creating this emotional emergency support plan.

And then understanding, and we haven't even talked about it yet, which anxiety style you are. So I have it broken up and it's based loosely on Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Except for one of them. So it's based on four. I didn't include the one that's the most fundamental, because most of the people reading books like this are not also really worried day in and day out if they're meeting their basic physiological needs. They don't have time to go to Barnes and Noble and get this book or jog and listen to it on Audible.

But there was another category that I felt I was missing, so I added a fifth. And so they are lover, fighter, executive, visionary, and dynamo. And these five all have different triggers that tend to trigger one person more than another. They have different contributing factors. They have different, what I call, superhero traits. Really these amazing skills and abilities that you've developed as a result of this anxiety style that totally serve you. 

And we wanna take a moment and celebrate and acknowledge like, oh my gosh, you're such an organized person. You're so loyal, you're very perceptive of other people's needs or moods. You're a visionary, you just have this big picture focus or you really listen to your intuition. You make decisions from this kind of gut, heart-based, position or you're very whatever it is. Let's celebrate that where it's serving you. And then let's see maybe what parts of your anxiety are not any longer. 

Because my guess is, at some point, they were serving you. But maybe they're not serving you so much anymore. Or they are protective mechanisms that you put in place at one point in your life when you needed them and now you don't anymore because you are safer, you're in a healthier relationship or you live in a safer apartment complex, who knows what it is.

You can maybe learn to let down and release some of those protective layers that you've put on and move forward from there. So this is a framework that can help people kind of understand, oh, okay, my partner is a lover and I'm an executive. Oh, that makes so much more sense now.

Dr. Whitney: Yeah, I love that part of the book because that's totally how it is for me and my partner. And what you were saying about protective measures that you take that served you maybe previously or that maybe you didn't understand why you were using them previously, but maybe now you have a deeper understanding of who you are and why you operate the way you do. What I find about what we're saying about being mad all day long, icing everybody out, giving everybody the cold shoulder, staying mad or exploding at everybody, is that part of the reason that it ends up self-sabotaging us is because it steals our power. It makes it so that those boundaries are even harder to hold later because then we don't trust ourselves even more. Because we go, man, I get all mad. It ends up that I act like a jerk to everybody. You know what I mean?

When I have feelings about something, when I feel like my priorities aren't met, then the way I respond creates a habit for everybody. So then I shouldn't again assert my opinion or assert my needs, because at the end it comes back to bite me. And so if we can learn healthier ways to, in that moment, calm our nervous systems, and then respond. Respond versus react and respond in a way that's gonna help us and help the other person get our point across, then we build our own power. And we make it so that then people do listen to us and we ask them for what they need or maybe they don't, but we feel okay with that already. Because we feel good about who we are. We know and we trust ourselves.

Amber: I feel like self-trust has been kind of a core thing that's connecting everything that we're talking about. And I have a little mini exercise, a strategy that can help with this. So a lot of people, especially new moms will be, and rightly so, overwhelmed. I'm busy, I have so many things on my list or I now have little kids and I'm taking care of my aging parents. Or they're across the country and I have this guilt about it. You know, there's so many things.

So I encourage people in that situation, especially when it's not like, hey, you have a lot of stuff on your list, you should just get rid of some of it. That's not always possible. And, of course there are a lot of great strategies with how to, check in and see what can you delegate, what can you delay, what can you delete? Those are great.

However, sometimes you're still left with more on your plate than you can emotionally handle. So what do you do then? Here's what I recommend: You're gonna add something to your plate. So I understand that that's counterintuitive, but here's how it works: You look at everything that you're doing, how are you spending your time, what are you attending to, where are your resources going? So it's time, energy, resources, attention.Where's all that going and how aligned is it with what's really important to you?

So two things, what's really important to you and what lights you up? So if you are spending a lot of any of those categories, a lot of time, a lot of energy or a lot of attention or a lot of resources, on things that you do not really care about, take notice. So for instance, we have a bunch of people coming over this afternoon to shoot a music video, because my kids are musicians. I have been an anxious mess this morning, because my house is a mess. My house is a mess, because I live with a lot of people and we're all messy and it's not a priority for me. I would love to live in a spotless, beautiful house. I do not prioritize my time that way. I just don't, I'd rather do five podcasts today than clean my effing house. I really would.

Dr. Whitney: Amber, okay. You walked right into this. So, that's what my entire new book that's coming out in February is all about. It's about doing it all. And the entire book is about how do you define what those things are that you care the most about?

Amber: Yes. Oh beautiful.

Dr. Whitney: So that you can put less energy or say no or delegate or whatever to everything else. So the other piece outside of it matters less, because it's really starting with, like Stephen Colby in, I can't remember the book, but it's about like putting one of the big rocks in, you put the big rocks in first. You know what I mean? So you've gotta fill your life, fill your jar first with the stuff that lights you up and that you love and that you feel passionate about and that makes you excited and makes you whole, gives you joy. And then if the other stuff doesn't get done or doesn't get done in the way you want it or you don't check everything off your list, you're like whatevs.

Amber: So here's my strategy for people who feel like, oh my God, I already put the sand in and there's already the medium rocks and I only have space for two of my big boulders. What do I do? So this is what I recommend: I don't know if the analogy will follow with the rocks, but I will often have people make a list of all the ways they generally spend their day. Okay. Send emails, I run errands. You know, whatever. And you rate them on a scale of one to 10. Eight, nine, or tens are like, oh my gosh, this fills me up. It's a big rock. I love it. I would do this every day. It's so fun.

Five is completely neutral. Doesn't really take anything out of me, but it doesn't really fulfill me either. Like I can take it or lose it. It's not really adding or depleting me emotionally during my day. And a one or two is like, I could never do this again and be totally fine. Making dinner, cleaning the house. But everybody's are different, right? So for somebody else, making a beautiful, healthy dinner for their family is an eight, nine, or 10 for them. That is what fuels them. So this is so personal and what I recommend you do is find something that is an eight, nine, or 10 and you add it to your list at least once a week.

And what I want you to do today is, whatever it is that just popped into your head, that's an eight, nine, or 10. And if you're not sure what it is, if you're like, I don't even know anymore. I don't even know what's an eight, nine, or 10 for me. So you can ask yourself, what used to be an eight, nine, or 10 for you that haven't done in a long time. Give yourself permission to do it again. What have you kind of always wanted to do? Oh you know what, I really wanna learn French. And bonus points if it's something that doesn't add to the financial bottom line of your family, because then you know it's really coming from your heart. You're not doing it for anybody else. And if other people would think it's kind of weird.

You know some people I'll have this conversation with, and they'll be like, I just love getting out in my garden barefoot and planting tomato plants. That makes me so happy. And I'm like, yes, do that. Because I don't wanna do that. You know it's really coming from a deep place and it's only gonna be right for you, probably.

Dr. Whitney: One question you can ask people that you love and trust and you think have your back is to be like, when you think of me at my happiest, when I'm at my best self, what am I doing? Because sometimes you've been so long not doing anything and people see you always upset but they've been your friends for a while, they're your friends for a reason. There must be something that they liked about you. You know? So ask other people if you're really lost. Because I know there's something. I know there's something you love.

Amber: And if they're like, oh, whenever you're talking about books, you're always talking my ear off about books, or you're always talking my ear off about marine biology or whatever it is, go find Facebook groups with people who have similar interests. I mean I have people that literally I can text a sentence, I can say, oh my gosh, this sentence, can you believe it? I just read this sentence. How beautiful is this sentence? I mean, there's not too many people that would be like, please don't, don't text me. Please take me off your text chain. I have a couple people that I can text and they would be like, oh heck yeah. Or this word. Like how cool is this word? I mean, so I know that's just me, right? I'm not making that shit up.

Dr. Whitney: Oh man, you and I, we could talk nerdy to each other and author to each other all day long. Because maybe we're lost soul sisters. I love it. But yes, it's about like, what's the thing that when you say it, it kind of makes you laugh and everybody else laughs too. Those are the things. Those are the things. Those are the things.

Amber: So today, so anybody listening, what I want you to do is today, even if it's 11:30, you're gonna do it before midnight. So today I want you to make a step in that direction. So book the class, email the friend, find that Facebook group, get out the guitar. Like you don't have to do the thing right now, but put it in your schedule for Tuesday morning. Whenever it is. Whatever it is. Make it that much easier to do sometime this week. But take forward action on it today. Within the next 24 hours or before midnight tonight. I like before midnight tonight because that's sooner. I feel like once you sleep you're gonna be on to the next thing. We don't want that. Yeah, do it now. Do it tonight.

Dr. Whitney: We're gonna end there, because you guys have a really, really pressing issue that you need to get to. So we're gonna give you time to do that. Amber, this has been maybe one of my favorite episodes. Tell people where they can find you, where they can find the book, where they can get more of this absolute gold information from you.

Amber: Beautiful. Okay, so I am at ambertrueblood.com. There is an anxiety styles quiz you can take. I also have a quiz called the super sense quiz that can also help you find ways to reduce stress and anxiety depending on your super sense. The book, I highly recommend, is a great resource tool that you can use and go back to over and over again. It's called the Unclustered Mom. It is also on Audible. So if you prefer to listen to your books, you can check it out on Audible. 

When you order it, make sure to go to my website and put in what your anxiety style is and like where you ordered the book. I think it might ask you. And then you put in your email address and you will get a bunch of really cool stuff to your inbox. So that'll include a guided meditation specific to your anxiety style, a guided mantra practice that's four minutes, super short, that's specific to your anxiety style. I have my top nine sleep tips for moms on there that are very simple. 

Please just pick one at a time, unless you're a fighter anxiety style and you wanna do them all and just throw everything out the window and just start and completely change everything. Which if that's you, awesome. If not, just choose one sleep tip to add. But there's a bunch of amazing resources there that are kind of my "thank you" to anybody who orders and reads the book.

Dr. Whitney: Awesome. Thanks for being here. We'll see you guys next time.