If I had a dollar for every chore chart, system, or checklist I’ve used to get my kids to do their chores…I’d have a lot of dollars.

Kids and chores have been the age old question for moms. Do we pay them? Do they need an allowance? What about the kinds of chores that just have to be done simply because they are a human that lives in my house?

I know I’m not the only one who struggles with it. All you’ve gotta do is a quick “chore chart” or “chore system” search on Pinterest and you’ll instantly feel A) overwhelmed and B) like you’re a terrible mom who’s let her children turn into lazy hooligans that will never have a successful career because they don’t know the value of hard work.

Or maybe that was just me.

I’ve tried everything. The “no screens before _insert task here_” list, paying them per chore, not paying them at all. And it all ends in either me begging and pleading with my kids to do their chores, or me just giving in and doing myself because I don’t want to wait around for them to do them.

Here’s what I’ve learned: the system doesn’t matter. The chore chart doesn’t matter.

My kids have to know and understand the why behind the chores I’ve given them in order to care about doing them even a little bit.

I’m not saying that once they understand the purpose that I’m greeted every morning with, “Mommy! I’ve already made my bed and taken out the trash! Is there anything I can do to help you?” Far from it.

What I AM saying is that they have to be intrinsically motivated. If it’s just for money, and they don’t have anything they’re actively saving up for or thinking about buying, it loses its motivation really fast–especially in younger kids.

The way we’ve handled that has worked the best for us is to make our family feel like a team and to remind them how stinking important they are to that team. Mommy and daddy can’t do ALL the things because they have other important things they are responsible for as well (and explain what those are). You have to create a sense of community and belonging for them.

Real world example for our family: this morning, my daughter told me that she’s gotta feed the fish or they’d die. I could have swooped in and fed it myself before she had a chance to, but even giving her little tasks like this gives her a sense of responsibility and accomplishment. It lets her know how important she is in our tribe.

And like we talked about last week, even those little things can add up when we’ve got everything on our shoulders. As moms, we often can be the only ones who remember to feed the fish and clean the bowl (or pick up the socks on the stairs or turn out the lights). Or maybe others notice it but assume you’re going to do it.

By giving our kids chores, we’re reminding them that they’ve got responsibility in our family too. That there’s not always going to be someone there to clean up their messes.

And it gives moms the breathing room and the mental space to be able to put their energy into the types of areas that are actually life-giving for us. So we can live out our centered life vision with less distraction and more fulfillment and joy.