Becoming a mom is an amazing experience full of joy and gratitude. It also can bring about feelings of shame and guilt that are overwhelming and keep us stuck. Dr. Whitney talks about why moms are feeling more shame than ever, how to handle it, and why walking through those emotions is actually a powerful thing.

Key takeaways:

• Many moms carry around this narrative with us all the time that there is something wrong with us. That we are the only ones who don’t have everything figured out or that we are the only ones who don’t have perfect children, a perfect home, or a perfect marriage.

• As I was faced with a situation where both of my girls were having a hard time (visibly, vocally, emotionally, all the things) in public, I tried to narrow down what I was feeling. It was embarrassment and shame. Shame that I didn’t have my life “together;” that it’s not perfect. Even though in my executive functioning mind, I know it’s not specifically my fault. And even if it was, it’s been wired into me from generations passed down for years.

• As moms, we often turn the situations and circumstances regarding our kids and families onto ourselves: It’s my fault. There must be something wrong with me. I must be the reason things aren’t going the right way. This type of thinking perpetuates all the pandemic issues that we’re facing and all the issues that are coming to light with systemic bias.

• A recent study showed that twice as many women as men were feeling isolated since the pandemic. This only exacerbates the problem because it makes us feel that we are the only one experiencing those feelings. Part of the reason we feel like this is because there’s been a societal expectation that women can just do it all if they just dig deep enough. And if you can’t, there’s something wrong and you wind up feeling immense shame.

• If you are experiencing shame, things you should know: 1) It’s not your fault. It’s the society that we live in that tells us that motherhood should be a certain way and it’s an unattainable picture. So when you don’t measure up, shame is the byproduct. 2) You have not been taught to practice self-compassion. You’ve been taught to just pull yourself up by your bootstraps and keep going.

• One of the most powerful lessons to learn is that you can’t get “over” an emotion without going through it. When we feel shame, that doesn’t have to be the thing that defines us. It’s data that comes in and we can learn the tools to combat it. Instead of reacting to it and diving into the shame hole, we can recognize that we’re feeling it because of the circumstances around us, and tell ourselves that we are not alone in this feeling.

• If you could see behind every post on instagram or behind every person who looks like they have it all together, you’d see that to be human is to have shame. The quicker we are able to get to a place of self-compassion, the sooner we will be able to take that data from a shame input and get to the other side of it while not letting it define us. It also allows us to recognize that negative and false narrative that says that everything going “wrong” with our kids or our marriage is our fault. With this, we’re able to approach the very real issues with grace, self-awareness, and self-kindness as opposed to shame.
  

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