This week Dr. Whitney takes on a subject that can be potentially sensitive: setting boundaries with inlaws and parents. She lets you peek into her life as the dynamic with both sets of parents has shifted since having kids (especially a neurodivergent one!) She breaks down what did and did not work for them, why setting those boundaries is important, and what you can do if a grandparent is not willing to honor those boundaries.

Key takeaways:

• It can be a common misconception that setting boundaries within relationships means you’re trying to set a really firm limit with people or that you’re trying to push them away. When we’re talking about boundaries within the context of extended family, we’re talking about creating a system or property line about what will and will not work for our family and what will potentially work for theirs. We’re not responsible for what will work for them, but we are responsible for making sure we’re setting ourselves up for success when we’re proposing ideas. 

• In our family, this is how it used to work with my inlaws: they would have to travel out of state in order to spend time with our family, so we’d never plan anything for us to do together besides hanging out. This would mean for multiple days, we would all be in one house together–which sounds like a dream scenario for quality time. But when you’re dealing with a child with neurodivergence, it just became too much. There were too many people in her home, too much noise, too much stimulation. And people would get bored and then my inlaws would feel like they overstayed their welcome–which was not the case! We needed a different plan.

• Here’s how we set boundaries and what works for us now:
• Meeting at a neutral zone. This meant her personal space could still be hers and we were able to go ahead a few days to get acclimated to the  new space. This could be a beach house, camping, a local park, etc… Meeting in a new space also allowed for…

• Making new memories or experiences. Because we were at a different location than just our home, no one felt forced to sit around and talk all day (not a kid’s dream anyway!) We could go explore at the new ice cream place, play at the beach, or hang out in the hot tub.

• We have set clear expectations on what is okay and what is not as far as parenting. This just levels the playing field, because sometimes if a situation is really intense with a kiddo, grandparents just want to help and step in. Which makes it only harder on the child (and the parents!) We give them general ideas of what our kids are doing well with, what they’re struggling with, and what sorts of things we are working with them on. Which then lets them know that there’s going to be things we let slide so we can focus on the things that we have deemed most important at this time. 



• We say something like, “What would be really helpful for us is if you let us take the lead on those types of conversations with them. We know you love our kids and us and want the best for them, but it would be so beneficial for us if you would step back in those moments. But we’d absolutely love to talk to you about anything you saw or questions you’ve got after the kids go to bed. Because we really want your input as well.”

• You have three choices if you have parents/in-laws who won’t respect that conversation:

• You can confront it. “This is my boundary. If you can’t respect that, then you can’t come/we won’t come.” This is HARD.

• You can let it go. You can decide that you can handle it even if they’re giving you flack. The hard part with this one is that your kids are still seeing all of it go down.

• You can compromise. You can give them ways that they can step in so that they do feel involved.

• Before I set these boundaries, despite me really loving my parents and inlaws, I would be full of anxiety when I knew we were going to be interacting. Everything felt misaligned. But since setting these boundaries, I can actually enjoy the time together as a family! It makes everything run smoother, my husband and I can actually relax together, and it’s way more enjoyable for our kids.

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