February 14th. The Day for Lovers. Valentine’s Day. 

Okay that second one made me throw up a little bit. Whenever I hear that word, I just picture Jennifer Grey in that scene in Dirty Dancing and it’s just weird.

Regardless of what you call it, it’s here.

And I think most people are pretty split on their feelings about the day. People either really get into it, don’t care about it at all, or there’s the third category of people (and I’d venture to say that most of these are women) that act like they don’t care about it, but get their feelings hurt each year when it didn’t go like they actually pictured it.

If you and your partner are both on the same page, giving each other the same level of thoughtfulness when it comes to gifts (one of you didn’t go kinky lingerie and one got a set of chip clips) AND are on the same level of romance when it comes to sex, then you’re the magical unicorn of couples and we all tip our hats to you.

OR if you and your partner BOTH don’t REEEEEALLY care (not that fake indifference) about the day, then enjoy your very normal day on Tuesday.

More than likely, though, there’s a discrepancy between how you and your partner feel. One has high hopes and expectations, one doesn’t even know the holiday is coming up. One dreams of breakfast in bed, while one wants a quick handy before the kids get up.

I realize that’s taboo to say out loud, but I’m just being real. Ha!

If you want to reclaim Valentine’s Day and make it a day that is actually enjoyable, I’ve got three tips for you.

Clear communication with your spouse or partner. Once again, this is my go-to, because it can make everything so much easier on everyone. If when you were dating, you told your boyfriend that you don’t really get into Valentine’s Day, because that’s what you thought he wanted to hear, but then when you got married he didn’t flip a switch and automatically shower you with roses, then that’s on you. #sorrynotsorry 

Most of the expectations we put on our partners are ones that they’re completely unaware of, so it’s really unfair for us to assume they’ll meet them. If you actually love all the romantics of the day, don’t tell them that you’re just happy with having dinner together. Because that’s probably something you do very often, and you’re just asking for disappointment.

Same thing goes for sexy time. Clear communication will be the real winner here. It’s unfair for moms to work all day long (in or out of the home), cook dinner when they get home, do all the homework help, do bathtime, get the kids down, and then to have to snap her fingers and all of a sudden be super turned on. But if you have the conversation to say that, yes, you’re really excited to connect with your partner after the kids go to bed, but what would really help you be able to relax so you could get in the mood is for your partner to take X, Y, and Z off your plate. 

Trust me, they’ll be doing those dishes with a happy heart 🤣

Remove the pressure from the day.

Nothing is a bigger libido killer than unmet expectations and heaping amounts of pressure. If you both have really packed schedules that day, make plans to connect during the weekend. If one of you (genuinely) has a headache, schedule in some afternoon delight the next day.

Don’t let the date on the calendar dictate the way you feel in your relationship.

But, again, make sure any and all expectations of future together time are very clearly communicated from both sides. 

Even for gifts, allow both of you the freedom to give gifts that make the other person feel special and appreciated–it doesn’t have to be a huge romantic gesture. The goal is for each of you to feel loved.

Be your own Valentine.

This is in no way encouraging you to be passive aggressive, so stay with me on this one. Think about what would make you feel amazing that day. Fresh flowers? A pedicure? An orgasm? 

Go buy yourself flowers and have them out.

If your partner asks, you don’t need to respond with, “I figured I wasn’t getting any from anyone else, so I got some,” Instead, you can say, “Don’t they look pretty? I saw them at the store and they made me happy.” 

Go get a pedicure because it relaxes you and makes you feel beautiful. And I’m sure your husband won’t be sad when your soft feet rub up on him later.

Plus, both of these are helpful hints for them the next year!

Break out the vibrator earlier that day.

I’m not saying anything hidden from your partner, but a frisky text of, “There’s something about today that just gets me going. Thought I’d start the fun early,” reeeeeally sets the tone for the day. You get to be in charge of your pleasure, but you’re inviting them into your moment, and then later on, you’ll be a little bit more open if Valentine’s Day actually means that your jaw hurts the next day (wink wink). 

Valentine’s Day can be REALLY fun, but only if you relax and focus on making both you and your partner feel loved and cared for. What would it mean to shift your perspective with a new attitude? What would your day look like?