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September 30, 2019
I have a lot going on — two kids, a full-time job, a career speaking and writing— and I get asked all the time how I do it all. The answer is, I simply don’t. I can’t. I learned a long time ago that I absolutely, positively, jump on a soapbox and shout it from the rooftops, CANNOT do everything.
Why? Because I have really important things TO get done. High on my priority list are things like spending time with my kids, excelling at direct patient care, and helping modern moms win at parenting without losing themselves. Low on my priority list? Things like maintaining a perfect appearance or getting lost in a running to-do list of errands and menial tasks.
I bet you’re like me. You have a limited amount of time in the day and only so much energy to focus on what really matters. Deciding what you’re NOT going to do makes just as big a difference as deciding what you ARE going to do when you’re a modern mom.
Here are the tasks I make a point to NOT spend my time on during the week:
I hate laundry. As soon as you throw the last load into the dryer, another day’s shirts and pants are ready for a deep clean. Laundry is a never-ending reality at my house with six-year-old into building fairy houses out of mud and a three-year-old with constant watercolor painting plans. If I had a million dollars, I would hire someone to wash and dry and fold (and put away) every single last sock.
I don’t have that kind of money. I’m guessing you don’t either. So, instead of wishing for a laundry genie to magically appear, I’ve decided on another method: I save it all for one day a week. Yes, the clothes pile up in my hampers Monday through Friday. My daughter couldn’t find her favorite pink mermaid skirt last week and had to wear the blue one instead. My husband washed his own pair of jeans for his two-day getaway trip with the guys. And? We all survived anyway.
I save washing, folding, and putting away clothes for the weekends. By consolidating my efforts, I know I can make quicker progress with this necessary-evil chore. I fold clothes while watching comedy stand-up specials Sunday night, adding the more menial task to a more pleasurable activity. I streamline my closet and my kids’ closets so there is less to wash in the first place. I keep seasonal items front and center and leave off-season clothes in another area of the closet. When my kids are older, you’d better bet this will be one of the first items I add to their chores lists. Until then, I’ve minimized its impact on my life.
I decided a long time ago that making gourmet, three-course meals that could wow Martha Stewart was just not worth it during the middle of the week.
My husband is the chef in charge on school days. I’m not great at cooking weekday meals other than spaghetti and meatballs or chicken teriyaki out of a freezer bag. I shine when it comes to holiday meal extravaganzas, but my husband is a weekday whiz in the kitchen. Since he and I both know I would probably succumb to take out every night if he didn’t cook consistently (and because we keep working at being parenting teammates), he wears the chef’s hat in our home most Mondays through Thursdays.
I need to look professional at my job and it feels good to express myself with personal style. I like looking my best but I don’t have time to spend an extended amount of time on fashion choices OR on hair and makeup during the week.
I have my closet arranged for maximum efficiency and easy access. The night before work days, I pick an outfit, including the undergarments I need and the shoes that will coordinate with my ensemble. That way, even if there is mayhem in the mornings as I coordinate getting two kids dressed, fed, and out the door, I’m not trying to make decisions about my own needs at the same time. Last week, I woke up to a power outage when my alarm went off at 6 a.m. I was SOOOO happy with my practice of planning ahead.
I spend, no joke, about three minutes on my makeup in the mornings, and usually I apply it while I sit in the car after school drop-off, using the sun visor mirror to check my progress. I have two make up bags – one I keep at home with date night products I hardly ever use, and one I keep in my car so I don’t even have to think about bringing it along each morning. I’m going
The pressure is on for modern moms to say “yes” to every opportunity that presents itself for our children. Every where we turn, society tells us we’d better sign our kids up for as many activities as possible, look for every educational opportunity available, and make sure to never miss out on a chance for social or academic advancement. It can feel like, if we don’t start RIGHT NOW building our kids’ college application resumes (even if Jacob just barely celebrated his fifth birthday and can’t even tie his own shoes yet), they might not ever hold a meaningful job. Though we know that can’t be right, it still sure feels like it’s true.
Turns out, though, over-scheduling stresses our kids out. Maybe less discussed but equally important? It stresses parents out, too. And, the more stressed we get, the more our kids start to feel it. I get it—there are some busy days we just can’t simplify, but when we’re chronically overcommitted, it creates a cycle of anxiety and dissatisfaction.
I focus on one or two weekly non-school activities per kid per season (three max). Mix it up while they are young, if possible, unless they find something they love that they want to stick with. If you can, find one active activity and one more academic or community option (think music class, art class).
For older kids, let them choose from a handful of options, versus demanding that they be involved with a specific activity you really care about. If the coach or teacher is a bad fit, that’s one thing but, if at all possible, try to stick with whichever activity they choose through the season, then switch it up if it’s not working out so you can help foster a little perseverance and commitment.
Remember: you are not the only person who can take care of your home, your kids, your bills, or your calendar. The running list of tasks that fills your mind all day long—the appointments you need to make, the dry cleaning you need to take in, the groceries you need to buy–is unhealthy, and it steals away your ability to focus on the here and now.
I reduce my mental load by simplifying the number of tasks I have, either by getting rid of them or by delegating them to someone else. For example, I’m not good at cleaning houses. My housecleaner is. She’s faster at it, she’s better at it, and she doesn’t look like a tornado hit her when she’s done with it. That’s why I pay her money to take care of the number one task (besides laundry) I don’t need or want to do. Hiring a housecleaner reduces my stress, forces me to organize my house the night before she arrives each week, and gives me back my precious time, so I can spend it on more important things, like anything else.
This is an area where, if you’re parenting with a partner, working hard at building a team mentality makes a huge difference. Maybe your significant other LOVES vacuuming but hates making school lunches. Thinking about ways to divide and conquer according to areas of strength (or just lesser detest) can help reduce resentment and build a parenting partnership mentality.
Every mom you know either pushes herself to the brink to “do it all” or purposely decides she WILL NOT. The ones who choose to not do it all make it happen either 1) because they have the means to financially outsource everything, 2) because they’ve had some real conversations with their partners (or others in their personal village) about being a team, or 3) because they’ve made a conscious decision to let some things go while they go all in on what really matters. For those of us without infinite resources, this is about intention and prioritization.
If we want to avoid burnout, mental overload, and that deep feeling of resentment that so commonly comes these days with motherhood, we have to learn how to prioritize, not just the things we need to accomplish, but also the things we value.
I’m spending my precious resources on the things that matter most to me, and I’m letting the rest fall away.
I don’t know about you, but I get tired of feeling like, if I don’t personally handle every single thing for my home or my family, it just won’t get done. I’m also tired of feeling like if I don’t look perfectly put together or if my house is a little on the messy side, I’m “less than.” In fact, I’ve decided that just will not be my story. I’m sick of that story for other moms, too, but it’s a story that won’t be unspun unless we tackle the deeper issue at play: the unspoken societal expectation that we’ll, as moms, carry all the weight of our families to-do list responsibilities and that somehow appearing overburdened makes us appear like better moms.
That’s a story that is not only unfair and untrue, it’s also unrealistic. (Please know I realize there are plenty of “we’ve got it all dialed in on the teamwork thing” or “I do it all myself and I like it that way” or “gender norms aren’t at play in my household” families out there. If that’s you, I’m giving you air high fives from my laptop as I type.)
If we want to avoid burnout, mental overload, and that deep feeling of resentment that so commonly comes these days with motherhood, we have to learn how to prioritize, not just the things we need to accomplish, but also the things we value and the ways we spend our energy and our time. I’m spending my precious resources on the things that matter most to me, and I’m letting the rest fall away.
Photo Credit: Kimberli Ransom Photography
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