Dr. Whitney speaks with Julie King and Johana Faber, authors of How to Talk When Kids Won’t Listen. They discuss tools parents can use to communicate with their kids so that both sides feel seen and heard. They give practical tips for specific situations parents are facing right now.
EPISODE Highlights:
Julie King and Johana Faber are authors of How to Talk When Kids Won’t Listen and give parents tools on how to communicate with their kids so that both sides feel seen and heard. They give practical tips for specific situations parents are facing right now.
Dr. Whitney: Talk to us about the philosophy behind the entire How to Talk brand and all the workshops and education you do alongside it.
Parents think they want their kids to listen but what they really want is for them to do what they tell them to do. The first big foundation of everything we do is that there is a connection between how kids feel and how they behave. So we ask ourselves how we can help them feel better and to accept their feelings. It’s tricky because they often have feelings that we don’t want them to have.
Dr. Whitney: We feel that deeply in our house. There’s a lot of feelings that make me uncomfortable and I simply wish they’d go away because they’re inconvenient for me when my kids have them. But I’m seeing that the more I can just accept the fact that those feelings are there (not necessarily changing anything because of them) the easier time everyone has.
The fear is that if we don’t address them head on right away that it will make them worse. But usually addressing it in a confrontational way is what actually compounds the situation. When we can help our kids identify what they’re feeling (“You really don’t like ______ because _______.”) that’s when we can really help them calm down, think more clearly, and move forward. And then you have a kid who is working with you instead of against you.
Dr. Whitney: Let’s get into the practical questions. Can you give us any tips on teeth brushing and how to handle that with kids who just don’t want to do it?
We have to go back to asking the why behind it. Why don’t they want to brush their teeth? And the why will determine how you approach the behavior. Maybe they just don’t feel like it or are bored by it. So you can make it a game like looking for zoo animals in their mouth. Make the toothbrush talk. Have fun.
Maybe they don’t like the taste or the feel of the toothbrush or how it feels when someone brushes their teeth for them. So you look for ways to give them control back. Change the toothpaste. Take turns brushing their teeth. But you have to look to the why first in order to decide how you approach the behavior. Meet the child where they are.
Dr. Whitney: I’m glad you said that because I know there’s going to be a lot of moms who hear that and think it sounds exhausting. Which it really can be. But first, you have to recognize that meeting your kids where they are is literally the only way to see positive change. But also, take a look at WHY it’s so exhausting. What’s going on that you have no bandwidth to deal with it? Do you need more rest? Less things on the to do list? So that way when these things come up, you have more that you can give.
Kids ARE exhausting. It’s actually scientifically proven that the more playful you are with your kids throughout the day, the better they’ll respond when you do have a harder request (like needing to stop an activity they like in order to leave the house.) If they are constantly ordered around, they eventually see less reason to comply.
A parent recently asked me, “Don’t they just need to learn that there are things they have to do that aren’t fun”? And yes, that is true. But what a life skill to be able to take something you don’t enjoy and make it more enjoyable. Think about when you fold laundry. You put on a podcast or music. You find a way to make it more enjoyable.
Dr. Whitney: Let’s talk about transitions. Getting out the door, getting the kids in the seats and buckled up. Lots of parents have struggles with transitions and getting their kids to listen to them. Why are transitions so difficult for kids and what are your tips for them?
They’re hard universally for anyone. No one wants to be told to stop what they’re doing and do something that someone else wants them to do. If we can make the transitions a game, that can be really helpful. Things like “How many steps will it take you to get to the car? If you take really long steps can you get there in 10 steps?” or “Let’s fly to the car like butterflies!” Kids love pretend and fantasy. When they’re older, you can still play. “Your old mom is going to beat you to the car!”
In the morning, every parent knows the struggle of telling their kids what they need to do to get ready. Shoes, teeth, backpack, breakfast. And every time you tell them to put something else down to do what you’re telling them, it creates resistance. To get around this, create a master list of all the things they need to do that they can check off as they go. And then you never have to be the bad guy. And it gets them involved in their own productivity and responsibility. It makes them feel in charge and gives them autonomy.
Dr. Whitney: This is so great. We all need to go buy this book and read it for all the practical tips. Can you tell our listeners where they can find out more about you?
Our website is how-to-talk.com and we’ve got the books, workshops, and an app! Plus a
Facebook and an
Instagram presence as well. They can also email us if they ever use any of our tips. We love to hear it. They can find our email at our website.
