My daughter and I have a little joke going today. She keeps telling me how perfect her art creations are:
“Look at this little cat I painted,” she tells me at the pottery painting studio. “It’s just perfect. Ooh, and how about this beaded necklace I made earlier? I did it absolutely perfectly.” She laughs and grins up at me, smirking.
She’s seen me bristle at that word enough times to come to the conclusion that it is my least favorite. I’m all about effort over accomplishment at our house and she knows it, thankfully (see my post about the importance of words and the way we talk to our kids).
When we think about our kids’ behavior (tantrums, manners, whining) versus the things they are able to do (ride a bike, spell a word), the anti-perfection rule should hold just as strong. More times than not, though, we're less forgiving in that area. Our goal is well-behaved kids all the time, every time. A little bit of parenting advice: while that would be nice, it’s not realistic and it’s not fair.
Why It’s Not Realistic:
Ok, here’s the deal. Are YOU on your A-game every single moment of every single day? Do you sometimes feel incredibly tired, incredibly hungry or, just generally, not in the mood to play nice? It’s the same for your kids – get this- because they are humans, too. I feel like about 10% of the time (and that is probably a gross underestimate), I have to make a conscious effort not to get offended, to try to say something in a nicer way than I am thinking it or to change my behavior as I consider how my actions will affect other people. Remember, your kids do not have the benefit of years of practice with social intelligence like you do.
Also, toddlers and elementary school kids are more sensitive little creatures – some more than others- than you are. I often describe my daughter like a high-end race car. When she’s running well and she’s in her groove, oh man, she drives like a million bucks. When she breaks down, it takes a specialty shop and a crew of 20 to get things back in motion. So it is with most kids. Snacks, sleep and a lot of one-on-one attention throughout the day? No problem. They will use their manners til the cows come home and wow you with their stellar behavior. Woke up on the wrong side of the bed? Good luck, my friend.
Why It’s Not Fair:
Perfect –it’s the new standard for moms (and dads), right? Lean in – to your job, to your mothering, to your appearance, to your relationships. Be everything, all at once. It’s just impossible to meet the expectations of this world. So, why would we want to put that on our kids, too?
Especially when it comes to our young girls, it’s up to us as parents to make sure they understand that, when they look in the mirror, they are absolutely beautiful even if they are not perfectly attractive. That they matter because of their INNER value, not as the result of some complicated mathematics equation that takes into account their external and internal points, with external carrying significantly more weight. That they are worthy of love and respect, no matter what they look like.
Also, as much as we may not want to admit it, a lot of our parenting responses and actions come from other people’s potential judgements about us (read here about the way I responded when my toddler threw a huge tantrum in the grocery store). I will be the first to acknowledge that, sometimes, I am really just worried that other people will think that I am not a good parent when they see my child in action. Just because I’m a pediatrician doesn’t make me exempt from those feelings of, “I bet those other moms are watching this play out right now and are thinking, ‘What a hot mess.’” I have to remember to put my pride aside.
What Is Possible:
Alright, so does that mean we just let our kids do whatever they want and run all over us and everyone else around us? Absolutely not. Consistent behavior management is still key. It means this: instead of our focus being only the way our child is acting right at this moment (which leads to irritation), our focus should be on the future adults we want our kids to be (which leads to patience and goal-oriented coaching). If the future, not the present is our priority, we will be less frustrated as we guide and encourage our kids. We’ll also show our children that we are imperfect as well, but we’re constantly working on our own behavior and actions. It's the first step when dealing with most whining and meltdown troubles.
That shift requires a little more thoughtfulness, and a little better understanding of child development. It’s worth it to read up on why kids sometimes “flip their lids” when they get overwhelmed or overly-emotional, as Daniel Siegel puts it in The Whole-Brain Child, to figure out how to provide wholesome foods on a consistent basis and to focus on healthy sleep habits and consistent physical activity.
My daughter, bless her heart, looks up at me from her mountain of beads on the art table.
“Okay, mommy,” she giggles. “ My art is not perfect. It's just awesome."
"That's right, baby girl," I say. "It's perfectly imperfect."
My Daughter's "Perfect" Cat Creation
I know first-hand that working mom life is hard, but I also know it doesn’t have to be impossible.
Trust me. The best way to get unstuck isn’t to work harder. It’s to use a framework that gets real results, no matter what area you need to tackle first.