EPISODE Highlights:
- We all see memes on the internet, and we’ve even said similar things here on Modern Mommy Doc, that tell us self-care isn’t selfish. But I feel like we need to be very clear on this subject. Are there forms of self-care that can be selfish? As a maternal and child public health expert, I have to say there absolutely are. A new study in 2021 showed us that moms with children under 5 saw alcohol consumption increase a startling 323% from 2020-2021. Granted, a lot of people drank more during the pandemic, but moms were the group that saw the biggest increase. This same group stated having more than 7 drinks in a week or 3 or more drinks at a time.
- So I wanted to dig into what could be behind this. Why is it a coping mechanism? The study gave a few reasons why we might have seen this stat. One was this social media trend of “mommy wine culture” that normalizes using alcohol to deal with parenting stress. The other was the accessibility to alcohol through delivery options like DoorDash and Post Mates and to-go options from restaurants.
- We have to start differentiating between coping in ways that will cause harm to us and our family and self-care. If you don’t have a problem with alcohol, having a drink at the end of the day can be harmless. Going out with a friend and having a glass of wine is just as simple. In the same way, it’s fine to take a trip away from your kids to be with your partner. But it gets excessive and points to a deeper issue when you need so much time away that being with your kids seems impossible. You cannot sustainably have a strong connection with them or speak into their lives when you’re never with them. Or if I choose to stay late one day a week at work so that I can make the most of the other time with my family, that’s great. But it’s when I’m constantly gone that becomes the problem.
- True self-care is about taking care of yourself in the most intimate ways and building connection with yourself to understand who you are. We are all interconnected with everything in this world. And the best way we can use our unique skills and talents that we were gifted with is to be as aware and connected with ourselves as possible. The best forms of self-care are the ways that allow you to do that.
- What does self-care look like that doesn’t cause collateral damage to you or your family? That could be incrementally taking 5 minutes in the car before you come into the house. Or going to a concert with a friend. Or buying store bought cookies for the bakesale instead of making them at home. It could be setting a boundary like not staying the entire time at a birthday party. Or giving a task to someone else. Or carving out some time just for yourself. Journaling. Practicing self-compassion when things are tough.
- What are the ways that you take care of yourself that don’t actually lead you to the outcome that you want and what are the ways that you cope that are actually supportive to you and others around you? Is it causing collateral damage because you’re doing that form of self-care in excess or is it the thing itself that needs to go?
- Let’s address the idea from memes that basically say “if you think you’re a shitty parent, you’re not.” It’s this blanket statement that lets you off the hook. If it talked about making mistakes and showing yourself grace, that’s a different story. No one wants to be a bad parent, but if you’re CONSISTENTLY showing up with your kids in a manner where you’re yelling at them, constantly short with them, or reactive instead of responsive – and that’s just your M.O. for months and years at a time – that’s going to cause collateral damage with your kids. So we have to think about the actual cause and effect of our actions and how we’re taking care of ourselves.
- There are things that are out of our control (systemic issues and injustices) but there are also things that are within our control. There are responsibilities that are ours to bear. No matter what the circumstances are, you’re at least able to be curious. You won’t automatically be a perfect parent. It’s a journey for everyone that requires a lot of grace. You can learn to be kind and aware enough of yourself and your circumstances to recognize that you do bear responsibility.
- So in light of the circumstances that you live within, what steps do you need to take to set yourself up for the most success possible while causing the least amount of damage to yourself and those around you? When you are curious enough, give yourself grace and time to know yourself better, and care for yourself in ways that have a lasting positive impact, there is change that’s possible. There is hope, it’s not all your fault, but there IS something you can do about it.
About the Episode: There’s so much parenting advice out there, and most of it doesn’t matter nearly as much as the internet wants you to think. (Seed oils? We have bigger fish to fry.) In this solo episode, Dr. Whitney gets back to basics and shares the six evidence-based parenting principles she focuses on as a pediatrician, the ones she dug into with a leading child development researcher. She also shares how these play out in real life as a mom of two neurodivergent kids, because guidance only helps if it actually fits your family. Key takeaways: Be sensitive and responsive. Simple practices like mirroring your child’s emotions and “serve and return” interactions build a loving, trusting foundation. Dr. Whitney shares how a Halloween decorating session turned into a deep conversation about religion once she slowed down and got curious. Meet kids where they are, especially at their worst. Drawing on Tina Payne Bryson, co-author of The Whole-Brain Child , Dr. Whitney explains that soothing a meltdown isn’t giving in. It’s letting your child know they’re not alone in a big feeling. Model self-regulation, and repair when you lose it. Self-regulation predicts academic success better than IQ. The goal isn’t staying calm all the time, it’s understanding why you got dysregulated, coming back to baseline, and offering yourself some self-compassion. Set limits for your kids and yourself. Every child’s needs are different (screen time affects Dr. Whitney’s two daughters very differently), but all kids need limits, and so do parents. Taking time for yourself models something healthy. Aim for authoritative, not permissive. High expectations paired with warmth and grace is the sweet spot. “Gentle parenting” can blur into permissiveness, which research shows is as harmful as authoritarian parenting. Protect unstructured time. Kids need boredom and free play to become self-directed. For ADHD and autistic kids, Dr. Whitney recommends offering a few options and letting kids choose. Support internal motivation. Using a “mirrors facing outward” image from her own therapist, Dr. Whitney explains why we want kids to trust their own instincts rather than constantly look outward for approval. Want to Start Raising Body-Confident Kids Today? 📘 Order the Books Raising Body-Confident Kids If you've ever caught yourself saying something to your kid about their body that sounded exactly like what your mother said to you, this book is for you. Raising Body-Confident Kids is a research-backed, judgment-free guide for parents who want to break the cycle of diet culture and body shame without swinging into toxic positivity or giving up all structure around food and movement. It answers the real questions parents are actually asking about Ozempic, about picky eaters, about what to say when your kid is being bullied for their body, and about social media influences. This is a practical, values-based game plan you can actually use, even if your own relationship with your body is still a work in progress. My One-of-a-Kind Body My One-of-a-Kind Body gives kids the language and understanding they need to care for their bodies with respect without fear, shame, or appearance-based messaging. Through inclusive illustrations and evidence-based health education, the book teaches body literacy, boundaries, and self-trust in a way kids can actually grasp. 👉 www.raisingbodyconfidentkids.com/books
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