You have to pick up your kids at 3:45. You leave work EVERY day at 3:15 and have left at that time since you started your job 4 years ago. Your boss was really supportive and let you know they were totally okay with you having a flexible schedule.
But for the last 2 weeks, they’ve been scheduling a couple meetings a week at 3:30.
At first you stayed late and just arranged childcare for your kids, thinking it would kinda just be a one-time thing. Or maybe it would just be a pretty quick meeting. But now it’s turned into you staying until 5 a few days a week.
Which only makes you angry and resentful towards your boss (whom you normally love!) And probably leaves you a pretty stressed out mom by the time you get your kids.
I get it. Setting and sticking to boundaries is hard enough. Add on top of it the weirdness of having to hold your line with someone in authority over you, like your boss, or someone who you really just don’t want to offend or hurt their feelings, like your spouse.
Yikes.
I’ve very much been in the mindframe before where boundaries were uncomfortable for me and seemed like holding them would be even more difficult than just getting walked all over. So I gave in. Again.
I was constantly telling myself, albeit subconsciously, that everyone else’s schedule, feelings, and resources were more important than mine. Every time I gave into a boundary, that’s the story that was retold in my mind.
So if you’ve ever felt like me, let’s walk through three steps to setting and keeping a healthy boundary:
PUT YOURSELF IN THEIR SHOES AND ASSUME THE BEST.
We can’t (or shouldn’t) assume that someone always breaks your boundaries because they’re a giant jerk face and did it on purpose with complete disregard to everything you stand for. If you can go into it TRULY assuming the best, you’re both going to be much better off and it will often lead to a much smoother resolution. Even though your boss was great about your schedule for awhile, it’s VERY possible that because it’s not their life, it’s just slipped their mind.
STATE YOUR BOUNDARY CLEARLY.
This part can be tricky but you have to let them know what you’re feeling and why. Remember the “I feel” statements that we tell our kids? Same goes here for this conflict resolution.
"I feel ____ when you _____". Which is different than saying, "I feel like you..." because you’re not actually describing a feeling. At that point, you’re stating your assumptions.
GIVE THEM DETAILS.
Tell them what you need and be specific. If you can’t name it clearly, you can’t expect anyone else to be able to follow through on it.
Here’s where you’d throw in the “consequence” or natural result of what will happen if the boundary isn’t held up. This isn't an excuse to attempt to manipulate someone or control them, it’s just you stating what you will or will not do if the boundary isn't honored. Enforcing the consequence is one of the most difficult parts, espeeeeeecially when it’s going to affect you in a big way (like looking for a new job if the schedule doesn’t work out.)
Let’s break down this scheduling conflict boundary breaker to see what this would look like:
Step 1: PUT YOURSELF IN THEIR SHOES AND ASSUME THE BEST.
"I know you have to balance a lot of different schedules on our team and that’s gotta be a lot."
Step 2: STATE YOUR BOUNDARY CLEARLY
so that the other person can understand what you feel and what you need.
I just wanted to remind you that I have to leave every day at 3:15 to go get my kiddos and won’t be able to attend meetings scheduled after that.
Step 3: GIVE THEM DETAILS. Define what you would like to see in the future. And don’t forget to pre-thank them for honoring your boundary! Goes a long way!
I love working here and am so grateful that you’ve allowed me to have this flexible schedule. If that’s changed, please let me know because I would have to unfortunately look for a different position.
Even though setting boundaries in your life can be freaking difficult, it actually gives more freedom.
It’s kinda like when you have a budget. You could look at it as restricting you from spending money where you want. OR you can look at it as deciding where you’re going to spend your money. So that way when you see those cute cups at The Dollar Spot, you feel totally free to buy them because you know the boundaries in place.
And the more you practice reminding yourself what’s at stake if you don’t continue holding your ground, the better you’ll get at it. You've got this, Mama!
