This week, Dr. Whitney talks through a personal journey she’s been on throughout her daughter’s process of getting a formal autism diagnosis. For a long time, she’s felt this diagnosis would give her relief from feeling like all that her daughter deals with is her fault. In this episode, she tackles why that’s a damaging way of thinking and how she’s learning to reframe it.
Key takeaways:
- My oldest daughter is neurodivergent, which means her brain is wired differently and thinks differently than most others. This comes out in behaviors like tantrums, becoming overwhelmed easily, lots of anxiety, harder time sleeping, and being “behind” in social skills. We’ve seen just about every specialist under the sun to get a better understanding of just who she is. We’ve decided, now that she’s 8, to get her formally tested for autism and ADHD.
- I realized that, as we were waiting for this formal autism diagnosis, I was feeling that if we got that official word, I would feel relieved. Having that diagnosis would make me feel that her behaviors weren’t my fault…a feeling I was carrying around with me for quite some time. I wondered if I caused the things that she was going through on my PPD and anxiety, me not giving her the right foods, fighting with my husband when she was a baby. I questioned my every choice. I knew intellectually that it wasn’t my fault, but in my heart I couldn’t make it make sense.
- The message you’re telling yourself about being fully responsible for everything “wrong” with your kids is your fault is a lie. Sure, we can influence things and we can help coach and shape our kids. But our kids have genetics and brains of their own and they will be who they are. You are the mom your child was supposed to have.
- Is it your fault you are not the mom you hoped you would be? No. Is it your fault that your kids end up exactly as they will? No. It’s not all on you. Is it your responsibility as a working mom to do the best you can to build awareness of what your needs are? To take steps to put yourself at the center of your life so that you can thrive in the best way possible (given all the circumstances you face) for your family, your kids, and for yourself? YES. If you’re putting in the work to do that, even if you’re not doing it perfectly, then you are doing the only thing that you’re responsible for.
- No matter what my child’s diagnosis ends up being, I’m still the amazing mom I was before we get that official report. And my daughter is still the neurodivergent, differently wired, totally wonderful, totally challenging, totally fantastic kid that she was. And I can say the same for you too.
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About the Episode: There’s so much parenting advice out there, and most of it doesn’t matter nearly as much as the internet wants you to think. (Seed oils? We have bigger fish to fry.) In this solo episode, Dr. Whitney gets back to basics and shares the six evidence-based parenting principles she focuses on as a pediatrician, the ones she dug into with a leading child development researcher. She also shares how these play out in real life as a mom of two neurodivergent kids, because guidance only helps if it actually fits your family. Key takeaways: Be sensitive and responsive. Simple practices like mirroring your child’s emotions and “serve and return” interactions build a loving, trusting foundation. Dr. Whitney shares how a Halloween decorating session turned into a deep conversation about religion once she slowed down and got curious. Meet kids where they are, especially at their worst. Drawing on Tina Payne Bryson, co-author of The Whole-Brain Child , Dr. Whitney explains that soothing a meltdown isn’t giving in. It’s letting your child know they’re not alone in a big feeling. Model self-regulation, and repair when you lose it. Self-regulation predicts academic success better than IQ. The goal isn’t staying calm all the time, it’s understanding why you got dysregulated, coming back to baseline, and offering yourself some self-compassion. Set limits for your kids and yourself. Every child’s needs are different (screen time affects Dr. Whitney’s two daughters very differently), but all kids need limits, and so do parents. Taking time for yourself models something healthy. Aim for authoritative, not permissive. High expectations paired with warmth and grace is the sweet spot. “Gentle parenting” can blur into permissiveness, which research shows is as harmful as authoritarian parenting. Protect unstructured time. Kids need boredom and free play to become self-directed. For ADHD and autistic kids, Dr. Whitney recommends offering a few options and letting kids choose. Support internal motivation. Using a “mirrors facing outward” image from her own therapist, Dr. Whitney explains why we want kids to trust their own instincts rather than constantly look outward for approval. Want to Start Raising Body-Confident Kids Today? 📘 Order the Books Raising Body-Confident Kids If you've ever caught yourself saying something to your kid about their body that sounded exactly like what your mother said to you, this book is for you. Raising Body-Confident Kids is a research-backed, judgment-free guide for parents who want to break the cycle of diet culture and body shame without swinging into toxic positivity or giving up all structure around food and movement. It answers the real questions parents are actually asking about Ozempic, about picky eaters, about what to say when your kid is being bullied for their body, and about social media influences. This is a practical, values-based game plan you can actually use, even if your own relationship with your body is still a work in progress. My One-of-a-Kind Body My One-of-a-Kind Body gives kids the language and understanding they need to care for their bodies with respect without fear, shame, or appearance-based messaging. Through inclusive illustrations and evidence-based health education, the book teaches body literacy, boundaries, and self-trust in a way kids can actually grasp. 👉 www.raisingbodyconfidentkids.com/books
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