It’s 11 p.m., and I’m finally crawling into bed after what feels like a marathon day. I was up early for meetings, saw a full panel of patients at the office, and now (thank God) am ready to rest. But as soon as my head hits the pillow, I hear her: my four-year-old crying from upstairs. She says she needs water, but I know she really means she wants snuggles. I kiss her and tuck her back into bed where she reluctantly settles down to sleep.
Two hours later, I hear my almost-seven-year-old rustling about. Now she needs me, too. It’s like a diabolical game of Whac-A-Mole. By the end of the night, I am very nearly smothered (literally) with one child’s arm draped over my face, and my other child’s leg crossed over mine.
My kids, especially when they’re not feeling well, are off their regular schedules, or just want more time with me, will endlessly crave me. And the pandemic hasn’t helped. We’re all together more than ever and surrounded by an almost palpable anxiety. Conditions like these are a breeding ground for a suffocating level of need, yet it’s more important than ever to tune into our kids and really connect with them. What’s a Mama to do?
DIVIDE AND CONQUER
There are, of course, no easy solutions. Just an intensified version of that balance we all try to create in our lives as people, partners, and parents. For me, doing two things consistently has helped: taking time for myself and taking time to connect with my daughters throughout the week.
The first of these is something I dig deep on in my Mama Reset Self-Care Retreat (at Home). The Reader’s Digest version? Carve out time every day or every few days for the things that recharge you. It can be 20 minutes alone with a good book or a two-hour FaceTime with your best friend. Just make time to take care of your inner self, even if it means all the laundry doesn’t get done.
Our children need us to be their biggest supporters and their best teachers when it comes to their feelings.
The second sanity-saver centers on building deep and sustaining connections with my kids. I spend plenty of hours every day taking care of them — making meals, overseeing projects, mediating squabbles, bathing, and so on. But the connection part is what really counts at the end of the day. It’s what motivates me to go beyond positive parenting and really lean into their big emotions. It’s also a subject close to my heart. Not only is it the focus of my Navigating and Regulating Children’s Big Emotions program, but it’s something I’ve lived every day of my highly sensitive oldest daughter’s life.
Our children need us to be their biggest supporters and their best teachers when it comes to their feelings. Part of this means validating and labeling their feelings for them. It means moving toward them, not away from them, when they’re upset. It means staying calm myself to see the hurt they’re feeling rather than the behavior (which, during a tantrum, can be admittedly awful).
FINDING WAYS TO CONNECT
In addition to showing up for them emotionally, we can all build deep connections with our children by simply delighting in them. Take time to marvel at the miracle(s) you created, from gummy or gap-toothed grins to baby words, starfish fingers, and unexpected cuddles. (Yes, this applies even to teenagers who are lovable too. Sometimes.)
The other big way to forge connections is with “Special Time.” This is something I go into great detail on in my
Big Emotions program, because it’s such an easy way to make a powerful impact. The idea behind Special Time is creating
distraction-free chunks of time your child(ren) can count on with you.
How can you do that? Simply share in what fascinates or pleases them. For example:
- Is your child into fairies this week? Then bake “fairy cakes” and eat them outside together while looking for fairies.
- Are dinosaurs more her thing? Turn your living room floor into Jurassic Park for an afternoon, and take turns acting like her favorite dinos.
- Does your child love board games? Make a regular game night where you devote half an hour to her latest obsession.
- This mindful approach to connection is at the heart of motherhood. It’s why we do what we do. It’s why we care so freaking much. It’s why we get out of bed when it’s 11 p.m. and we hear our child crying.
