Have you ever been in a crowded grocery store during the holidays or on a Sunday afternoon? Where the aisles are so stuffed that there’s no room for carts and you’re sure you might die of suffocation? (Shoutout to grocery pickup and delivery. When I say it will change your life, it will change. your. life.)
And as you’re standing in front of the spices with your basket sucked into your body as far as it will go, someone bumps you from behind as they walk past. What’s normally our first reaction? “Oh sorry! Let me move a little bit.” And then you try to pretend you can actually squeeze your bones closer together. As if you weren’t the one standing there the entire time.
Now, I’m not saying we shouldn’t be polite or try to make allowances for other humans. BUT, I think this is a perfect example of the exhausting cycle of people-pleasing that we women tend to find ourselves in. As a pediatrician and a mom myself, I've seen firsthand how this tendency to constantly put others' needs before our own can take a toll on our well-being.
This isn’t just about sacrificing for your kids, it’s about constantly putting the world’s priorities in front of your own or letting someone else’s opinion of you dictate your worth.
Why do we do it? Why do we bend over backward to make sure everyone else is happy, even at the expense of our own happiness and sanity? Sometimes, it's a form of self-preservation. We fear the other person's reaction if we dare to assert our own needs or boundaries. Other times, it's simply ingrained in us from years of societal conditioning – the belief that our worth is tied to how much we can do for others.
But here's the harsh truth: people-pleasing only hurts the people pleaser in the end. No matter what your motivation is. In the moment, it may feel like we're avoiding conflict or keeping the peace, but at what cost? We end up sacrificing our own happiness, our own needs, and our own sense of self. We become resentful, exhausted, and ultimately, we lose sight of who we are outside of the roles we play for others.
So, how do we break free from the people-pleasing trap? How do we reclaim our time, our energy, and our sense of self? It starts with awareness. Before you’re even thinking about identifying times or situations when you might be predisposed to people pleasing, you’ve got to first admit that you ARE a people pleaser. That you’re lacking some sort of belief about yourself and the validation you get from the people you’re engaging with feeds the need.
You first have to be aware of what’s going on in your heart and mind, THEN you can start to recognize when you're engaging in people-pleasing behavior. Pay attention to the moments when you say yes to something you don't want to do, you don’t give your opinion when it would clearly be helpful, or when you're putting someone else's needs above your own.
Next, it's time to set some boundaries. And if this is the first time hearing this from me, let me be clear: boundaries are not selfish. They're necessary for our own well-being. So, don't be afraid to say no when you need to. Or yes when it's an unpopular opinion. Or simply saying nothing at all. Practice assertiveness and stand firm in your decisions. And most importantly, know your boundaries BEFORE you get in those situations.
You’re not responsible for other people's feelings. Their reactions are their own, and you’re not obligated to cater to them.
Finally, possibly the most crucial step in overcoming people-pleasing tendencies is to cultivate self-compassion. Be kind to yourself, reminding your brain that it's okay to prioritize your own needs and desires. You’re worthy of love and respect, just as much as anyone else, and when you give into people pleasing, you’re not giving yourself that same value. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a friend.
It’s pretty easy to convince ourselves that our people pleasing tendencies are just who we are. That we’re someone who wants everyone to get along. That it’s actually a kind service. That our heart is just so kind to everyone, that we couldn’t possibly rock the boat.
Hate to break it to you, but I’m not that nice. And I’m guessing you aren’t either. We have to stop looking at people pleasing as a virtue and start seeing that instead of helping others in our lives, it’s actually damaging to our own sense of self. We deserve to live a life we love, and that includes putting our own needs at the center of our lives. If you want more help doing it, start here.
