We’re seasoned experts in setting boundaries for other people, aren’t we? Especially our kids. We make sure they don't run into the street, we control their screen time, we establish a schedule that keeps them rested and (mostly) sane.
But there's one boundary that we often forget about, because it’s WAY easier to set this one aside. Because it causes a lot less confrontation and requires less intentionality from us when we forget about it.
This is the boundary that defines our relationship with ourselves.
I wanna dig into setting self-boundaries and why they're crucial for our own well-being, as well as for those around us. We talk a lot about being working moms around here, but this one goes for any human really–especially
women who are constantly thrown into the role of she-fault parent.
Self-boundaries separate (and prioritize) our needs from the needs of everyone else. We're so adept at ensuring everyone around us is okay, that we inadvertently (or sometimes purposefully) neglect our own well-being. Because it's easy to fall into the trap of trying to please others, making sure they are happy and content. But at what cost?
Remember that show,
The Biggest Loser? There’s a LOT that we could unpack about that show that was extremely unhealthy, but there was also a lot of reality that we saw over and over: moms who stopped taking care of themselves and put the needs of everyone around them first. Each week, we routinely saw binging and other out of control behaviors highlighted.
Setting and protecting self-boundaries is not only crazy important for our success as moms, partners, professionals, and individuals, it’s legit the only way we can make it out in one piece.
When we constantly prioritize others before ourselves, we quickly lose our internal compass. We have no way to know what our True North is when we’re always pointing people to theirs.
This is why women feel like they aren’t themselves anymore after they have kids. Your own sense of self starts to get erased when you’re constantly preoccupied with other people's feelings and well-being. This lack of self-awareness breeds stress, burnout, and even resentment.
So, how do we set and protect self-boundaries? It starts with self-compassion. Just as you’d extend patience and understanding to a friend or your own child, offer the same to yourself. Recognize that it's okay to prioritize your needs, feelings, and self-care. That’s not selfish; it's self-preservation.
Let’s also look at the self-awareness piece. Pay attention to your thoughts and feelings. When you catch yourself overextending to please others or worrying excessively about how you appear to them, it's time to reevaluate. Remember, you’re not responsible for everyone else's feelings or happiness. It's not your job to carry that burden.
The most important thing you can do is to give yourself permission. Permission to think about your needs at the same time or even before the needs of others. Sometimes, you don’t need to think about other’s needs AT ALL #sorrynotsorry.
It's not about neglecting your responsibilities, but about balancing them with knowing how you will be at your best. You deserve to show up at your highest capacity, both for yourself and for everyone else who relies on you.
Society tells us to parent like we don’t have a career and to make our career like we aren’t a parent. Well, I’m calling bullshit. The only way to do that is to literally
never think about ourselves, what makes us run the best race we can, what actually makes us joyful, what makes us bring our best. And to only focus on serve, serve, serve.
And when we do that, we’re actually doing the world a
dis-service (see what I did there?) When we’re forever focused on everyone else, we show up less and less as our best and more and more as a shadow of our former selves.
When, instead, what the world really needs is moms who are standing in the gap for their kids, showing them that taking care of themselves is actually making everyone around them even better.
Want more? Tired of feeling like you have to do it all to be a good mom? Guess what? You don't! Check out
my newest book release here.
