A few weeks ago, I was a part of an amazing discussion panel that included a group of other female entrepreneurs (who are also moms), put together by a really cool company called Maple. Their whole mission is to improve the quality of life for families.
That’s something I can get behind!
We talked about a ton of different things
in our time together, including prioritizing “me” time as a mom, how to strategically work with your spouse as you co-parent together, and dealing with all of the technology that’s a never-ending battle in many homes today.
I want to focus on the part of our discussion where we talked about being intentional with our family time. According to research published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, parents are actually spending TWICE as much time with their children as previous generations.
That’s some good news right there!
BUT.
An annual survey conducted in 2021, found that 62% of kids aged 6 to 12 said their parents are distracted when trying to talk to them and say that cell phones are the biggest distractors.
Ouch.
The study also cited that, on average, Americans check their phones 262 times per day—that's once every 5.5 minutes.
Double ouch.
While we’re spending more time with our kids today, it looks like the quality of that time together may have decreased since previous generations. We’re being pulled in a million different directions every day, but in the midst we still want to have really quality time with our families. So, how can we put better boundaries around it so that everyone feels like their time was well spent and used to bring your family closer together?
There’s one giant thing I see getting in the way of our family time: Preparation. We aren’t preparing the time and we aren’t preparing ourselves.
First, let’s talk about preparing the time. Most of the time, we’re just leaving it up to chance. We think it’s going to just magically happen.
Think about everything else you need to happen in a week: meals, chores, carpool. Even things like sex or a pedicure. If you don’t intentionally make a system or, at the very least, have a conversation about them, they aren’t going to happen. You have to know when, where, and how they’re going to get done.
Same with family time. If you assume you’ll probably be able to connect as a family at some point throughout the day, everyone is going to have their own agenda and it’ll get pushed aside.
Schedule it out.
That doesn’t necessarily mean you have to write “listen to how Skylar’s day went 3:30-3:45” on your calendar. If that works for you, awesome. More than likely, you’re going to want something a little softer around the edges, but just as effective.
That’s where
rituals come in.
Things that happen at the same time or same season. These types of rituals are SO good for kids and give them a sense of security and belonging. Friday movie nights, family dinners, going to see Christmas lights each year, picnic breakfasts on the weekend. They don’t have to be wild and crazy or expensive. They’re just reminders to your family that you’re a team.
Secondly, we need to look at preparing ourselves. I don’t know a single working mother who hasn’t experienced mom-guilt when it comes to finding the balance between work and family. We’re constantly asking ourselves questions like, “Am I doing enough for them?” or “Am I teaching them enough?”
We’ll never be able to really enjoy intentional family time if the story we tell ourselves is that it’s never enough. That the time you take with your daughter at bedtime doesn’t make up for missing dinner. That the time you sat playing LEGOs with your son doesn’t matter because you had to work that day. Mom-guilt keeps us from being fully present, both at work and at home.
I loved how fellow panelist, Terra LaRock from Mindful Mamas, spoke of it. She said to use mom-guilt as a reminder. If you’re experiencing it, it’s because you deeply care about your kids and their well-being. And to use it as a “doorway to practice self-compassion.”
No one can do it all. We just can’t. And it’s extremely unhealthy (and defeating!) to try to live up to that.
She went on to explain a really cool practice that brings a perspective shift: When you’re feeling guilty that you’re not doing enough for your kiddos, ask them, “What makes a good mommy?” They’re absolutely going to start listing off the things that you’re doing well and probably haven’t been given yourself credit for.
Making lunches for school. Hugging them when they’re scared. Reading books at bedtime.
They’re definitely not going to say because you brought homemade cookies to the bakesale instead of buying them at the store. Or the fact the toilet was scrubbed clean by the time they got home from school every day.
Reminding yourself of all the things that make them feel the most loved (that you’re already doing!) will allow you to have the breathing room to actually enjoy those little moments. Because those are what matter!
When we do spend undistracted, really focused time with our kids, it does two really important things. First, it strengthens our bonds with them by adding deposits into our kids’ emotional bank accounts. It creates this surplus of healthy emotions that they can draw on when maybe you aren’t able to spend that time with them.
Second, they’re better emotionally regulated. This means they feel better AND we have to deal with less behavioral stuff. Win Win.
Here’s the good news: the quality time you spend with your kids doesn’t have to be elaborate or take forever. Five to 20 minutes of face to face, uninterrupted time is all it takes for them to reap the benefits of it.
And it can look like sooo many different things. A conversation in the car (without checking your phone at every light), reading a book together, snuggling at bedtime, a conversation over dinner.
We’re all about simplicity here. What’s your favorite way to incorporate quality family time?
