Imagine something with me for a sec: You’re in a meeting at work and someone has presented an idea with a potential solution to something you’ve all been working on for awhile. While they’re talking, you can already come up with 5 reasons this would never work.

You have a few options:

1. Speak up when the boss asks if anyone has anything to add.
2. Go to the presenter after the meeting and let them know your concerns.
3. Don’t say anything so you don’t rock the boat.

If you’ve spent ANY time in ANY workplace as a woman, you know the fear that when you speak your mind, SOMEONE is gonna think you’re just being bitchy. This isn’t even a man versus woman thing, necessarily. I think men and women can both be equally as loose with throwing around the term “bitch” for women that voice their opinions and assert themselves.

Let’s look at what they ACTUALLY mean when someone gets called a bitch. Usually it’s because the woman is being penned as domineering, aggressive, trying to climb the corporate ladder, curt, or overly confident. (Sidenote: these are NEVER negative terms when used to describe a man. Ever. I digress.) But nine times out of ten, the woman wasn’t actually being intentionally mean or dismissive to someone else, although it might have been received that way.

As women, we have to put aside any people-pleaser tendencies we might have (which is HARD; I get it.) We need to realize that if we’re called a bitch and we can honestly say there was no malice on our part, then from our end, we’re clear. Just like we tell our kids when someone says something mean about them, it says more about the mean kid than it does about them. (And just because it has to be said: no one should put up with repetitive verbal abuse in any environment. Talk to your HR rep if you’re concerned.)

So let’s reclaim the word bitch and turn it around. Let’s realize it means that we were confident in ourselves, stood our ground, and let our voice be heard. And someone who was upset, intimidated, or put off by that? Well, that’s a them problem, not a you problem.

On the flip side, I think we can actually use this to our advantage as women. Not in a manipulative way or anything; just hear me out. Very broadly speaking (and I’m well aware there are exceptions to this norm), women are much more in touch with other people’s emotions. We can walk into a room and sense that there’s conflict. We can hear a conversation between two people and realize that one person was not speaking up for themselves. That’s just the way that we’re wired.

Men, on the other hand, not so much (broad strokes here, folks).

Do you remember the episode of The Office where Jim and Pam wear the world’s smallest bluetooth for a day when they had to be apart? They’re in each other’s ears while they’re at work commenting on the other person’s life as if they were right there experiencing it together. One of my favorite parts of that episode (and there are many) is when Kelly is mad at Jim but he has no idea that she’s even upset.

Jim: Hey, how are you and Daryl?

Kelly: Um, we’re cool. Bye.

Pam (in Jim’s ear): That was weird.

Jim: What?

Pam: Have you ever had a conversation with Kelly where she didn’t go on for 15 minutes without taking a breath?

Jim: No, actually.

Pam: Did you do something to her?

Jim: I don’t think so.

Pam: Well, something’s off.

Pam wasn’t even in the room (or the same state, lol) and she could tell that Kelly was upset at Jim for something. He had no clue. It’s kind of our superpower, right?

As a woman, we have the distinct advantage of being able to be confident and assertive while simultaneously knowing how people will receive it. Or knowing how to phrase something so that our authority still comes across but all the other parties involved still feel validated.

Listen, I’m in NO WAY saying we need to tamp down our assertiveness in order to appease someone else. I’m saying that we should feel empowered knowing that we’re able to voice our opinions, stand our ground, and take up space all while presenting it in a way that lets others feel empowered themselves! 

Being confident in ourselves doesn’t have to mean stepping on others to build ourselves up higher. Real confident women bring others up with them as they grow.

So, feel free to call me a bitch. I’m still gonna join arms with you so we can all become stronger together.