What if Apple rolled out a new iphone that could cook all your meals, balance the national budget, and make your kids go to bed without whining, plus all of its regular features…except for one thing: it didn’t actually make calls or texts. I mean, all that other stuff is pretty awesome. But if it’s not actually doing the job it was designed to do, it’s kinda turned into something else, right?

I want to chat about therapy and what it’s actually supposed to DO for you. Not just how it makes you feel. But what are the marks of a good therapist and a good session? Because if it’s not actually doing what it’s supposed to do, you’re pretty much wasting your time (and lots of money).

I talk all the time about being in therapy. It’s so important to have an objective person to speak into your life and offer you support. I’ve seen a counselor with my husband, my own individual therapist, my husband has seen one on his own, and my girls have too. Some of my very best professional friends are therapists. I think it’s a faaaaantastic resource that I wish was more accessible to more people.

But let’s face it: not all therapists are created equal. And why talk about that here? Because sometimes, as the trained-to-be-people-pleasing women that we are, it can be really tempting to take whatever help we can get without really thinking...is this help actually HELPING me? But it's a question we have to ask if we want to start to making sure that we are the lead actors in the movie of our own lives because, to make the movie great, we're definitely going to need a great supporting cast.

I start my latest book, Doing it All, with a story about a well-intentioned occupational therapist who was trying to help my daughter and I, but who ultimately failed us with her assumptions and lack of insight.

“GO AHEAD. BE BRAVE AND TELL YOUR MOMMY.”

We’re at the occupational therapist (OT) for my eight-year-old daughter’s weekly appointment. I usually sit in a double-mirror office room adjacent to the gym, observing while she works with the specialist one-on-one for an hour—a quiet hour that I look forward to each week as a working mom of two kids under ten. We’re only twenty-five minutes into her session when I see my daughter emerge with her therapist.

“Mom,” my daughter starts, “I need to let you know that I think you never have time for me and that you care about my sister more than me. I want to tell you that I think you should stop working and that I need more attention from you because you’re really busy.” She stops and gives me puppy dog eyes.

I see the OT nodding as my daughter talks. The OT then adds, “Makena was having a tough time today, and she opened up to me about how she’s feeling. We wanted to share it with you.”

The air feels thick. I choke back my own tears as I watch them well up in my daughter’s sweet eyes. I’m caught off-guard—not by the emotional confession from my child, but rather the naïve assumptions of a well-intentioned professional whose overreaching comments make it clear she doesn’t understand our family’s story.

Makena is my oldest daughter, and I love her more than anything. She is also a well of need that never runs dry. At eight years old, she has an impressively long diagnosis list: anxiety disorder, deregulatory mood disruptive disorder, sensory processing disorder, auditory processing disorder, and autism.

As a baby, she wouldn’t sleep for more than forty-five minutes at a time without the aid of a loud hair dryer, a perpetual baby bop bounce, or the comfort of a close snuggle. As a toddler, she required constant reassurance that her first dance class would be okay, prolonged consoling when a friend took her favorite doll, and the comforting pressure of my hand on her hand even as she watched her favorite Doc McStuffins episode on the couch. Nights with grandma for a parents-only date night were a no-go unless she was already in bed and in a deep sleep. My twice- weekly workouts sparked immediate meltdowns unless she was allowed to be in the room with me.

At the same time, like an old cat who’s only interested in human contact on its own terms, personal space is often her greatest desire. It’s a roll of the dice as to which kid you’ll get on any given day: clingy, needy, attached-at-the-hip Makena or standoffish, please-remove-yourself-from-my-orbit Makena. On the worst days, we’re locked in a loop of perpetual drama over the slightest missteps. On the best days, Makena is a joyful nymph tinkering around the house, dreaming up complicated plans for a cheerleading squad with her third-grader friends. Her best self is brainy and beautiful—free of insecurities and codependence. She is patient with her sister and cares deeply about other people.

I’ve learned over the years that I’ll never meet all her needs, even though every- thing inside me desperately wants to. It’s crushing to watch your daughter fight herself and everyone else, to not be able to control her own emotions or (some- times) her own body. But I know that while it’s my responsibility to guide her and help her as best I can, it’s ultimately not my full responsibility to determine who she becomes—and it wouldn’t be feasible for me to do so anyway.

And that’s why I was so angry at this OT for parading my amazing, complicated daughter in front of me, insinuating that I wasn’t servicing her needs. Especially because it has taken me so long to get to a place where I know what to focus on and what to let go of. A place where I don’t let guilt reign supreme over my life.”

Even though that occupational therapist wasn’t my therapist (and even though I’ve had some amazing experiences in therapy), her missteps made me think even more about what works and what doesn’t when it comes to getting professional mental health help. It made me realize that giving permission to other moms to re-analyze what works and what doesn't for them when it comes to getting help for their families and themselves could be really freeing.

My #1 tip? The first goal of every therapist should be to help you be better, not just feel better.

Look for someone who can go beyond lip service to actual HELP. You need someone who will hold space for all of your emotions and thoughts, but you also need someone who will challenge you.We all know that I can make my kid stop throwing a tantrum if I give her ice cream…but that’s not really actually helping her, right? Just like our job is to soothe our kids and to make them feel seen, but it's not our ONLY job, so it is with therapy.

As parents, our goal is to help our kids grow into the best versions of themselves. In the same way, therapy should go beyond just making you feel better in the moment. It’s about equipping you with the tools you need to succeed and aiding you with coping when you’re not on the (virtual) therapist couch. 86% of people who have seen a therapist have said it helped them cope. And you deserve that too! But getting to that point might mean a change in therapist if all you’re getting now is a good listener or a “yes” man or woman.

Here are 3 reasons why you might need to break up with your therapist (and probably find a new one!):

         1.   You don’t feel supported. 

You deserve to be supported in ways that make sense for you and that will actually help you mentally and emotionally. Great therapists challenge you and help you question your assumptions. They aren't "yes men." At the same time, it's no good if you constantly feel way worse after your sessions than better. If you feel like you’re not understood or seen by your therapist, it’s ok to move on. It’s your money, after all. 

         2. You don’t see progress. 

Are you in the same spot mentally that you were 6 months ago? Can you (or your therapist) point to things that have changed for you? Can tell that when you are in similar situations in real life as what you've discussed in therapy sessions that you have more strategies at your disposal? Or that you feel more sure of yourself as you tackle a tough problem you've been working on? It can be micro-steps, but you need to be able to see real change–or at least be headed in the direction of change.

         3. You aren’t being given tools. 

There’s a huge difference between being wrecked emotionally from a session that accompanied action items and tools for you to move forward versus just pulling up old trauma for again and again. An emotional hangover after therapy sessions does not equal a breakthrough. Continually having the same conversation without knowing how to react differently in your life isn’t helpful. Of course, a lot of therapy is bringing awareness to the faulty thought patterns we have, and to the way we interpret the world and ourselves. But, eventually, all that analyzing needs to lead to real action. And to get there, you need practical tools, not just a philosophy change.

Time for a therapist shift?

If you need a new therapist, it is OKAY. And yes, making a change can be awkward (though I don't know if it's harder than breaking up with your hairdresser —kidding, not kidding). A good therapist will actually encourage you to find the best fit for you, and may even help you identify what kind of help would be better for you. The point of help is help. And if it’s not helping, it’s time to move on (hint: check out some of my prior podcast guests for examples of therapists who are making a huge difference in the lives of women and their families).