Last week, I met up with a friend for the first time since the pandemic hit. We sat on her back porch, distanced and catching up over poké bowls and rosé. It was one of those rare moments when our husbands had the kids at the same time. There were no distractions, and I was feeling happy and relaxed (definitely due to the sun, not the wine!).
You know those moments when you finally have a second to breathe, and all of a sudden you connect the dots on something you’ve been trying to figure out for ages?
That flash of intuition that just arrives out of nowhere? Yeah, that’s what happened to me.
I had been preoccupied lately with my 6-year-old’s bedtime.
I know bedtimes are a hot topic under normal circumstances, but the stakes are even higher in my daughter’s case.
A consistent bedtime routine has always been key to managing her anxiety. What I couldn’t figure out, though, was how, even with the best sleep hygiene, she is still in sloth mode most of the time. Unless she’s super-motivated, she tires out easily; by the end of a school day or a camp, she’s toast.
But that night everything crystallized for me. I was just about to say, “You know, maybe sleep is a bigger factor than I’ve given it credit for. Maybe we need to see a sleep specialist to improve the quality of her sleep.”
Before I could get it out, though, my friend interjected with, “Yeah, you know your daughter. She just is the way she is. You can try and try, but nothing’s going to change that.”
What?
Her words hit me like a ton of bricks.
I mean, she’s right in a way. All people are “wired” to a certain extent. My daughter comes from a long line of anxious women, and it makes total sense that some of her challenges are simply genetic. You can’t change nature.
But my friend was also wrong. We as modern moms and dads don’t have to give up and just accept what is. You see, as a pediatrician and a mom, I firmly believe that understanding and addressing underlying factors like sleep, nutrition, and stress can make it easier for kids to handle the challenges they face, including the wiring they can’t change. Above all, I believe in hope.
Not the Pollyanna, “everything is going to work out all the time” kind of hope. But a hope rooted in choosing positivity over passivity. We can find ways to learn and grow during adversity or when presented with a specific challenge. Instead of holding our breath and waiting for something bad or uncomfortable to pass, we can find the opening and push for the change we want to see. We can model resilience.
We can also practice emotion-coaching , which is one of the most powerful parenting tips I share with people.
If you’re not familiar with it, let me enlighten you: It’s a process where we acknowledge our feelings as they come up (e.g., “Trying to educate and parent my children all day, every day SUCKS”), validate them (e.g., “That makes sense. Who wouldn’t feel that way?”), and then problem solve (“What do I need to make this better? What’s the first step?”).
You can’t control everything, of course.
As we reconnect with friends over a safe distance of six feet, as we “visit” with grandparents through windows and Internet connections, we are reminded that so much of what we want and how we live is beyond our control right now. And that’s why this kind of proactive positive outlook is exactly what we need now. You can’t control everything, but you can control how you face your days. And your kids are watching.
In my case, I dared to disagree with my friend. My husband and I addressed our daughter’s sleep issues with more intentionality, including a fairy-sleep meditation that even had me dreaming about pixie dust as I dozed off listening to it with her. It didn’t make everything perfect, but Mama, it did make it better. It made it a lot better.
There is hope.
