EPISODE TAKEAWAYS:

Mindfulness and meditation for moms is incredibly important because of the way it literally changes our brains so that we can be more aware of the decisions we make in the moment.

Meditation gives me the tools that build up my inner strength, my inner peace, allowing me to have more reserves to handle whatever comes my way.

Our bodies react to stress the same way it did when our ancestors were being chased by tigers--even without the tiger chasing us. So we’ve got to be in control in order to reduce those physical symptoms.

Mindfulness, for me, looks like mindfulness apps, taking walks, journaling, and exercise.

WHAT'S INSIDE:

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Hello ladies. And welcome back to the Modern Mommy Doc podcast. Today, we're talking about mindfulness and meditation for working moms. And I want to be honest with you. I actually am rerecording this because I recorded an entire episode, like 20 minutes long, on the science of mindfulness--why it's so hard to do it, and why we need to make time for mindfulness.

And then I listened back and realized that it wasn't bad, but it wasn't what you needed to hear. And I know that, because it's not what I needed to hear back when I was really struggling with not being able to be mindful or to practice meditation. So I decided I'm going to back it up. I'm going to go back. I'm going to restart. I'm going to think about the passion that brought me to really being totally on board with mindfulness and meditation.

What are the things that really sold me on it, as opposed to just the science--which the science is great. It's out there. For yoga, for meditation, for mindfulness, we know it actually changes the neural pathways. The highways on which all the messages in our brain go, it actually changes when we practice meditation and mindfulness in the moment that we're doing it. But then also after the fact, there are long-term changes. So, those are important factors as to why you should do it.

But I feel like those are things you can look up in a book or see in a magazine or read on the news. And that really those aren't things that would have convinced me or that did convince me that this was something basically worth my time or worth my investment. And so I want to back up and tell you about why I got into mindfulness to tell you all my story.

If you haven't heard it already straight from me, the full story, some of you might have seen me give a keynote and talk about why I started Modern Mommy Doc, where I was, and what all the factors were that made me really get into doing this work for other moms. But I want to break it down for you guys. I talk about it in The Working Mom Blueprint (my book with the American Academy of Pediatrics) about how I'm one of those people who really is a doer.

And I talk about this level of commitment that I've had to every single thing that I work on, every project that I work on. And I think a lot of you can relate to that. Like if there's a checklist to be completed, you're on it. If there's a list to be gotten through, you're on it. If there's a project that you need to really say, "Yes, I'm all in!" you're going to lean into it. You're all about it! But at the end of the day, there's sometimes this emptiness that comes, especially when you're trying to balance your life with your kids, your life at work, and having some type of life for yourself.

And I think that's true for so many moms. For me, it was really a lesson in extremes. I felt like I went through hell so that I could maybe make it so that other people don't have to do that so intensely. And sometimes, to be perfectly honest, I still feel like in different seasons that I'm going through that same level of really having to hone in and to get peaceful, to command peace in my life because of the circumstances that surround me.

So I'm a pediatrician and I've practiced in private practice for 11 years. And when I had my first daughter, I had been in practice for about six years. And at that time I remember just feeling like, "Okay, I'm going to have a family. It's going to be easy. I'm going to weave this in." And the postpartum period was difficult because my daughter was difficult. She didn't sleep much. She was super colicky. But I still remember during that time feeling like, "Well, this is going to pass. This is just a season. And then I'll get on to just having a normal life with kids. And it won't be that bad."

And that was true for a minute. When she was six months old to 12 months old, I remember it being pretty good, maybe even up to two years old. But I remember when my second daughter was born, my oldest was about three years old and she just started really going downhill. She started having so many temper tantrums constantly about things that I felt like other kids had already gotten past. Those same things that I'd be counseling other parents in my clinic about saying, "Okay, your child's about three, three and a half. They're in the middle of that threenager deal where they'll give you a hard time, but overall, it's actually going to be significantly easier for you."

But I felt like that wasn't happening in my own life, that actually things were getting worse in my house. And that the older that my little daughter got, there was more noise and just more chaos in our lives as a result of my little one being here. More divided attention. And the more we actually had to have exposure to the outside world, that wasn't just her nanny, the worse that my older daughter seemed to get. And, as a pediatrician, I knew things were out of the ordinary. Things were so crazy.

And then as my second daughter grew older and she had her own personality, she really could trigger Makena. So Mireia is my youngest, Makena's my oldest. She really could trigger Makena. And sometimes with the level of chaos that would happen with Makena when she would get into a really bad tantrum or fit, I felt like I was living in an alternate universe. She was inconsolable for hours. It was a game of whack-a-mole and as soon as I got her to calm down, then my other child would start to act up and I could never win.

So, because I had this child who had higher needs and because my work was demanding, I felt like I lost myself, which led to creating this center life blueprint. But even when I did that, it required so much energy to not completely lose it or flip out at my kids because I was embarrassed. Maybe we were out in public and Makena was acting a fool and not doing age appropriate things like causing a way bigger fit than would be typical at her age. Sometimes my younger daughter was more mature than she was. So I would get embarrassed about that.

Or being in my house and just longing for normalcy within my house. Or being with friends and feeling like my child was causing a significantly bigger ruckus than anybody else's kids who were there. So not just being embarrassed, but feeling the sense of loss and of longing.

So I just needed a practice that would give me the tools that would allow me to survive in that almost warlike environment. Sometimes still, I feel like I'm just in the trenches in my home and I see other people in the clinic and I almost feel jealous of their kids, to be perfectly honest, because it seems they have it so much easier with their kids (Obviously not all kids. There are so many kids with really complex medical issues or chronic issues.) And every single family is so different. And I know that I don't always know what are the different nuances that happen within a family, but I do know what happens in my family. And I know what child therapists and psychologists have said to us about my kid. They've said, "I've almost never seen a tougher kid."

And because of that, I know that I just have to have tools that actually work and that make it so that I can build up my inner strength, my inner peace, that allow me to have more reserves to handle whatever comes my way. And I've learned to accept that this is going to be the long haul for me and for my family, with my child until she really is significantly older. But even with that, it doesn't have to be where I'm constantly feeling like I'm surviving. I can create practices within my life that make it so that even when the really hard times are happening, eight times out of 10, I can kind of keep my head about me, I can stay present in the moment, and I can stay responsive versus reactive.

And I believe that just like I was put on this earth to help other mamas like you to go through hard times and to find yourselves again when you feel like you've really lost yourself in motherhood, that there was another reason too. I was also put on this earth to help other moms, because I have had such a really traumatizing experience that I've had to learn the lessons in a really super in-depth, almost "come to Jesus" way. And those lessons apply even to less extreme situations.

I know that for me, in my life, mindfulness and meditation have become like water, like sleep, like peeing. Necessities. If I don't do them on a regular basis, I literally cannot survive in my house without causing damage to somebody else. I'll say that again: if I do not practice mindfulness and meditation, then I act in such a way that I cause trauma to other people in my house. I've never hit my kids. I've never physically done anything to them, of course, but I just know that the words that come out of my mouth, the expression on my face, or the "what the heck is wrong with you?" vibe that I'm sending out, it's not helpful. For them or for me.

And I want to challenge you that even if you have a more typical kid or more typical job than I do as a pediatrician (maybe yours is more low key, or maybe you even stay at home or do kind of a side gig) that every single mom benefits from mindfulness. We've talked about mindful self-compassion before on the podcast...go check out our episode with Kristen Neff to hear more about it. Mindful self-compassion is that ability to stay in the present moment without judgment, to be still, to be without saying, "this is good" or "this is bad," and to just say "it is what it is." And when I do that, it allows my mind and my body to stop yearning for solutions. To stop yearning for problem solving. To not be in that fight or flight, running away from a tiger type of state.

Which is what happens in our bodies when we get anxious, our bodies physiologically go into a state that is exactly the same as our ancestors did when they were being chased by a wild animal in the forest. It's exactly the same. Our pulse quickens, our blood pressure goes up, our eyes dilate, so that we can actually get to a space where we are able to escape from this very real threat. And when there are threats that come at us psychologically during the day (your boss is angry with you, you feel the stress of mommy guilt, your children are having a major tantrum, your child is screaming and yelling and hitting at you as you try to do simple things, like get them into a shower or to brush their hair or to eat lunch--which happens sometimes in my household), your body reacts and your mind reacts in the exact same way as if there was an actual life-threatening situation happening to you in that moment.

You have to train your mind to slow down, to get present, and to turn off that automatic reaction that happens to us, so that we could actually think in a way that's not just fight or flight and just reactionary. We want to react in a way that's actually going to be helpful. Because the thing is, when you're being chased by a tiger, it's totally helpful just to run away, right? To not even think. To just run or to go hide or to fight the tiger. But in the real world, those things usually don't actually help. What happens when you get into a stressful situation and you haven't practiced being mindful, then you do that same exact thing, but you react in a way that's usually more harmful. You yell, you flip your lid.

So we've talked about that a ton of times on this podcast, but think of this idea of when you get upset: You have your thinking part of your brain, your executive functioning, and that you just flip that part of your lid. Then what's left on the bottom of your brain is your amygdala, which is just your emotion center. This is where you're acting out of pure emotion. And that's where that kind of like mom rage comes in, that blind rage, and that's never, ever healthy. The more that we can stay with the reasoning part of our brain, with the logical part of our brain, kind of in concert with that emotional part of our brain, the better. For us and for the people who are around us.

So that's the whole part that I missed when I taped this previously. And I decided that I needed to retape that, because I need you to know how integral this is, literally, to my survival as a person and as a mom, with my child who is so, so challenging. I almost want to cry right now. She is so challenging on a daily basis and I love her with every ounce of myself. But, sometimes, my gosh, when I am triggered by her, my first reaction in my mind is not the loving one and I want it to be. And so I practice mindfulness so that I can be as loving and compassionate and patient and thoughtful as humanly possible.

The ways I practice mindfulness are so much less important, but here they are for you if you're looking for a how-to or what you're going to actually do. I think these are especially helpful for working moms who get into the zone of like doing, doing, doing, and checking things off a list, "I don't have any time," and the mindset of "the stuff I do is the thing that makes me productive and makes me valuable." Rest and mindfulness and being slow is so productive for you.

So the ways that I'm mindful: One, mindfulness apps. I like the Mindful Mamas app. It does guided meditations that are based on your emotions, your child's age, the season of the year that you're going through, things that are happening out in the world, if you're a working mom, if you're a stay at home mom. So that's a great one.

The second is just journaling, free association, writing and journaling. Or I just write three pages worth of just how I'm feeling in that moment to try to be as present and knowing as possible of what's going on for me. So that when I get into those more crazy times, into those more intense moments, that I can come back to that same ability and I can tap into that practice that I've created. I can think, what is it that I'm feeling? I'm feeling rage. Okay. Why? And I can get more thoughtful, so that I have a space I create between the trigger and the reaction or the trigger and the response.

And the third thing I do is a lot of just walks around my neighborhood with my favorite songs. With silly songs, with Little Mix, with Dua Lipa, with Doja Cat. It doesn't have to be serious, but it's just to get me out of my logical thinking and to get me more into a vibe or a flow.

And then the fourth thing I do is exercise. You guys know, if you've listened to this podcast for any amount of time, that I'm an avid Peloton-er. And so I love going to Peloton classes. I love going to in-studio spin cycle classes, in the dark with the loud music, so that I'm not trying to compete with anybody. It's just me. Or to a yoga class. Or a bubble bath. Anything that kind of gets me in that zone where I am more relaxed and thoughtful. The way you do it does not matter.

Also, know that there's grace for when we aren't proud of the way we parent. We all have bad days. But I want to tell you, if you are like me, and that you're struggling and that you keep on saying lday after day, "Why do I keep reacting to these kids? Why do I keep losing it with my husband? Why do I keep feeling like I have all of these mixed emotions and I snap?" If you're feeling like you don't have the ability to slow yourself down and to be thoughtful and to be purposeful. And if you start the day with all these intentions, but at the end of it, you look back and say, "Crap. That's not at all how I wanted to do things."

If that's you all the time, that means something's wrong. That means you need some additional practices to help you through, to get you to a place where you can be more centered. Maybe it's that you need to get to know yourself and that you need to get to know what your triggers are. What are the things that are making it so that you are having so much difficulty in that moment? Some of them, you're not going to be able to solve. I'm not going to be able to ever solve, despite everything I do (the psychologists, the psychiatrists, therapists that we see for my family to support us, the activity we try to support and provide for my daughter, all the good eating, all of the supplements, all of the sleep aids that we do, all the weighted blankets that we do yada, yada, yada, yada, yada), I'm not going to be able to fully fix it at this moment. Maybe someday. Maybe someday as she gets older, but in this moment, where things are still tough, where my life is not Shangri-La at all, I need those tools.

You need those tools, mama, if you are in a tough spot with your kids, and there is no end in sight. You need them to get through the day with grace and with intention and purpose, and to feel like, at the other side, you can feel proud of the way you showed up. All right, mindfulness and meditation.

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