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Somehow we’ve convinced ourselves that every single thing on our ever-growing to-do list is of the same tippy top priority. That if one ball falls, we’re an utter failure. When in reality, it’s the system that’s failed us.

The last three years have been unlike anything I’ve ever experienced as a woman, a mom, or pediatrician. And I know I’m not the only one who’s felt it. We’ve fought for our kids’ education. Their health. Their emotional awareness. We’ve fought for our own mental health. For higher pay. For fairness in the workplace. We’ve fought for our marriages and for our independence. And yet, even with all the progress we’ve made, we’re still miles from where we want to be. Most of us still struggle every day to walk through the circumstances we face, because we’re overworked and overwhelmed. In the last few years, I’ve seen hundreds of working moms stream through my pediatrics office and reach out online describing their desperation. They have no idea how to organize the stress of integrating their professional and personal lives. Add in systemic forces in direct opposition to their success and they stay trapped in their defeat. With no foundation to stand on and no framework to fall back on, it’s almost impossible for them to implement the parenting advice I give them meaningfully or to say yes to the self-care suggestions they see everywhere – much less to have the frank conversations they need to create equity in their households or to schedule prioritizing their own needs. The modern working mom is stuck. And that’s why we created the Modern Mamas Club app last year. So moms could start to learn a system and a foundation that would allow them to stop trying to find some elusive work/life balance. But rather a harmony between the two. Where both feel like they get the best of you. And you feel like you bring the best to each area.

Working moms are feeling the pressure. The post-pandemic burnout is real and today I'm diving in to all of the factors that really contribute. I'm giving some serious transparency on my own opinions on what employers, and decision-makers can do to create equity in the workforce in order to accommodate caregiving workers instead of creating blanket statements for all. I saw a post on instagram that said, “True self-care is not salt baths and chocolate cakes. It’s making a choice to build a life that you don’t need to regularly escape from.” When I thought of that in regards to the moms that I work with, I thought it was true. We don’t want a life that we need to regularly escape from, but we also don’t want a life that we need to regularly recover from. I spent a lot of the first 3-4 years of my daughter’s life simply recovering from the work it was taking to take care of her. Instead of maintenance, it was recovery. I hadn’t created space so that even if I was having a hard time with her, I was still okay. I know that this is something you’re facing right now. A new study just came out that said more than 59% of workers are facing burnout, higher than pandemic levels. We are still feeling it now! I think there’s a few reasons why: 1. There’s high expectations from employers to get back to normal. All of our flexibility for parents and caregivers have been taken away. 2. There’s a lack of people-first culture in a lot of workplaces. We have to prioritize employee listening as a strategic mechanism for success. We can’t just ask the questions, but we have to follow up on what we hear from them, so they feel loyal and a part of the team. 3. There’s a lack of childcare. When families are expected to be able to just jump back into normal work life, but nothing has changed to make it easier for them to be able to leave their kids, of course burnout is going to happen. 4. Caregivers are caught in the middle as a part of the sandwich generation. They’re trying to take care of their aging parents as well as their kids. And women feel that pull even harder, so they feel like they can’t make a successful decision. They either have to leave the workforce altogether or lessen the amount of work they’re doing. 5. Sexism continues to play a role at home and the workplace. Women are still dealing with being the she-fault parent at home, while still feeling all the pressures at work. We like to think that there’s been huge leaps made in the workplace for women, but because women are disproportionately taking on the load at home but still not getting accommodations at work, there’s a chasm that’s created where women simply aren’t able to show up how they want. Caregiver burnout doesn’t just affect caregivers personally, but it also affects businesses in tangible ways. It’s not just a “nice thing to have” when you are attending to your workers’ needs, but it also affects the work that your employees do. Performance suffers and then the workplace suffers. 46% of people say that mental health negatively affected their performance at work which is up from 34% in 2021. 51% of employers are recognizing that mental health has impacted their workplace over the last year. As we’ve said, women are more greatly affected by this, but certain socioeconomic and racial groups are hit harder as well. When I speak to heads of HR and large corporations, I tell them that if you want to create a work culture that prevents burnout and supports caregivers, you need to think about helping your caregivers on your team figure out ways that to create a life that’s like that original instagram post I was talking about. Help them create a life that they don’t have to run away from or recover from. Think about it like this: imagine the “work hard, play hard” crowd from colleges. If they party all weekend long, then they have to really work to get it together during the week. But they have to work so hard because they’re in the middle of college that they just want to zone out or lose themselves over the weekend. And the cycle continues. This leads to all sorts of mental health issues and it’s the same for caregivers in the workplace. When companies want to support their employees but also get the best work out of them as possible, they have to actually invest in their employees personally. Treating them like humans, model authenticity, trusting them to get their work done. You also have to practice what you preach and stand behind the values you say you have. This includes equity not equality. Not every person needs to leave at 4pm, but some might have one day where that’s really important. Blanket statements don’t work, you have to listen to what they need. Parenting out loud. It’s the idea from Mary Beth Ferrante, that when you’re in leadership and you talk about yourself as a whole person AND a parent where you allow people to see all facets about you, it allows your employees to do the same for themselves. Promote individual work life integration practices. You have to teach them how to organize their stress because this is not something we’re taught how to do! Something I did recently for my own life, was change how I was working out. I was doing my Peloton rides, my yoga, all the things that really help my mindfulness, but I didn’t think they were doing much to help me feel good in my body. I was working so hard, but they weren’t giving me the results that I wanted. And my husband told me it was because the activities I was doing were too much hard work and it forced my body to recover even more intensely. So I was burning muscle, feeling tired, and eating more food to recover from that hard work load. And we do that in the workplace too. People have to work so hard that then they feel like they have to recover all the time. And if we can just create a life and work culture that doesn’t require us running away and recovering constantly we are going to feel so much more satisfied as well as produce better work. As a mom if you’re struggling to keep all the balls in the air, but at the end of the day you’re not satisfied with the results you’re getting, maybe you’re doing it wrong. That’s how the Conflicted to Centered Blueprint came about. To give you a way to take every single bit of stress in your life and give it its own space. I want to give you permission if you feel like you’ve been working so hard to find “balance,” maybe you need a new way to do things. A new path forward that will get you so much less stuck. If you're a working mom looking to 'find the joy' and begin on that journey of advocating for yourself, first you need to know what it is you're going to ask for. Please begin my FREE daily email series, The Joyful Working Mom. Here's the link, mama!

As a mom, you know that in “cold and flu season,” the operative word is “season.” We’re not one and done here. It’s more like all and forever. One kid gets another one sick, who passes it to everyone else. Lots of snot. Lots of hacking. And then for four glorious days, everyone is healthy. Until another kid comes home with a fever. And it starts all over again. And it’s not usually the type of sick where they just wanna lay on the couch all day. It’s that level of sickness that somehow gives them more energy (I have zero medical or scientific evidence for why this happens. But it’s straight #momfacts.) They run around and cough all over each other, making it impossible for you to get any work done. Because we know you’re not ACTUALLY taking a day off when your kids get sick. You do as much as you can so that you’re not totally behind when you’re able to go back to work. You have to make sure that people know you’re a valuable employee, right? But what happens when YOU start to get that scratch in the back of your throat? When you realize that the 2pm slump has actually moved to 9:30am because you feel like you just got hit by a truck? It’s one of the most panic-inducing feelings for a working mom: you know you’re starting to get sick. Most of us try to chug a bunch of OJ, take an extra one of our kids’ multi-vitamins and hope for the best. But here’s the deal: you’re actually making it way worse on yourself by not paying attention to what your body actually needs. The science is clear: you’re more likely to get sick when you’re not taking care of yourself. And you’re more likely to stay sick longer when you’re not taking care of yourself WHILE you’re sick. This is one of the reasons I stress self-care so often. It’s not just so you have time for yourself. By lowering your overall stress hormone load, it actually makes you less susceptible to getting sick. Pretty crazy what some long walks and deep breathing can do, right? Here’s my top 3 (probably pretty obvious) things busy working moms can do to stay healthy in the midst of cold and flu season: GET ENOUGH REST If you’ve got young babies at home, you’re probably laughing (or maybe crying) right now. I know that seems like a high measure when you’d even love a solid 20 minutes. But sleep is critical to your immune system. When you’re running on empty, you’re begging to get sick. If getting 8 hours every night isn’t really feasible in your season, think about who you can ask for help. State your needs to your partner, ask your parents or inlaws to watch the baby for a few hours, or even a teenager from your neighborhood who can be there while you’re still at home. If you’re not in babyland and are at home with older sick kiddos, getting rest is equally as important for you. Resist the urge to work every second you’re not wiping a snotty nose. Taking the time to slow down, even shutting your eyes while Netflix keeps your kids contained, can be so helpful! At night, especially if you’re feeling drained or like something could be coming your way, hit the hay as early as you can in order to give your body plenty of time to recuperate. WATER, WATER, WATER It’s one of the EASIEST ways moms can take care of themselves and it’s basically free. You don’t need a fancy Stanley to get your ounces in. Although, I will say, finding a glass or bottle that you love will up your chances of drinking enough throughout the day, simply because you’ll like looking at it. Staying hydrated while you’re sick or trying to prevent illness is kind of magic. It keeps your kidneys functioning in order to help properly filter out waste and balance electrolytes. It allows your blood to flow properly bringing all of those germ-fighting cells where they need to go. It even helps your mucus membranes act as a barrier for bacteria trying to enter the body! So, for real, drink plenty of fluids. EAT FOOD Actually eating 3 meals is one of the first things to go on a busy day. And if you’re not eating, your body gets depleted of all the nutrients it needs in order to keep doing its best at keeping the germs at bay. So you can’t just make sure your kiddos have food and call it a day. But I’m not just talking about a cup of coffee and a muffin. Your body needs balance. Break it down in terms of macro nutrients (carbs, fats, and proteins) and try to pair two of those together at a time. So don’t just eat an apple (carbs) but add a scoop of peanut butter to your slices (fats). Don’t just eat some yogurt (protein) but throw in some granola or fruit on top (carbs). Sprinkle on some chia seeds (fats) to make the perfect trifecta! I know that when you or your kiddos are sick, Gatorade and ramen seem like they’ll save the day. But I promise, everyone will feel so much better (and so much quicker!) if you can plan out a little bit of nutrition to go along with it. As moms, we are tempted all the time to put our needs on the back burner for our kids, especially while they’re sick. And I’m not saying it won’t take some sacrifices. But in order to keep everyone at their healthiest mentally, physically, and emotionally, you’ve to make sure you’re taking care of yourself, too.

We’ve got a childcare crisis happening here in the United States. And no, you’re not reading an article from 2020. It’s happening again. Well, I should say, it’s STILL happening. It’s just made worse by another round of illness hitting our kids, which, in turn, hits our whole household. 2020 was an outlier based on every statistic imaginable. If you were comparing trends for just about anything, you’d have to throw out 2020 because nothing made sense then. Everything was new for everyone and parents were having to navigate things they never even dreamed of. Childcare was not only impossible to find, but if you found it, it was astronomically priced. So more and more parents were having to take time off work in order to take care of their sick kids or stay at home and educate them. I was really hoping all of that was behind us. Yet, in October of 2022, we hit even higher record numbers of parents missing work due to issues with childcare–numbers that reached higher than the peak of the pandemic! 100,000 parents were unable to come to work because they couldn't find anyone to help watch their kids. The difference between now and then is that we’re in the middle of a recession and things are even more strained financially for most families. So time off of work is a really big deal. I have heard from countless women that are dealing with this. So, as busy working moms, what can we do to make this slightly easier on ourselves? I think the name of the game is being proactive. We can’t wait till our kid comes home with a cough and a runny nose before we take action. Here’s 3 places ways I think you can start getting things lined up for yourself TODAY: DON’T FORGET YOUR VILLAGE We did it in 2020 and I know we’ll do it in 2022. Families banded together to make things work. How can you think outside of the people in your home? Start having those conversations now so that you have a list ready to go that you can work through when illness hits. Here’s just a few ideas: Extended family that lives in the area Your datenight babysitter list (and your friend’s list as well!) Retired couples in your neighborhood Homeschooling families that might have more flex in their day Families from your kids extracurricular activities Other school families Families from church Those last 3 are great to swap with…especially if their kids are home sick too! Not that you really want to be taking care of MORE sick kids, but we know that phase of sick that kids get to that’s “too sick for school because no one wants to hear hacking all day, but definitely not sick enough to lay down and watch movies.” If kids from the same class caught the same cold, might as well band together so moms can get some work done. But don’t forget that this is a swap–you’ve got to make the offer to watch their kids as well. USE TECHNOLOGY TO DELEGATE Apps need to be your best friend when you’re overwhelmed and there’s a lot that can help you now, even if you don’t have a sick kiddo at home while you’re trying to conference in to work. While these apps won’t actually watch your kids for you, they’ll make all the other stuff you have to get done a little bit easier. Here’s just a few: Yohana : this is like having specialized assistants in every area of your life. They check things off your to-do list so you don’t have to. Maple: this app helps you to spread out the responsibility in your home to everyone so that mom doesn’t end up doing everything Grocery delivery: enough said TALK TO YOUR BOSS I can’t stress this enough: if you wait until your kid is sick to have this conversation with your boss, you’ve waited too long. Having an open dialogue with them even from the time you get hired will set up such a better culture when the day comes that you can’t come in. If you haven’t made them aware of needs you might have, no one else is going to do it for you. You can let them know backup childcare options you have in place, but that there might come a time when you will have to work from home. Ask them if there are any systems set up for virtual work or if you could help develop them. You might even find that your boss has some ideas or resources when it comes to childcare. Don’t wait on this one, mama. We’re all only one kid’s sneeze away from the whole family getting taken down. And actions you take now can make that whole process so much easier on you!

EPISODE Highlights:

Recently TikToks and reels keep showing up in my algorithm about how going to Target is a form of self-care. It’s mostly been tongue in cheek about how it’s their home away from home, where they feel most relaxed, and where they get their wine. But then I saw this article in The LA Times . The author talks to a few different women and how they use the retailer as their regular form of self-care. And not just in a “messy buns and Target runs” kinda way. In a purposeful, rejuvenating way. All the women spoke of their different experiences going through Target and what exactly about it made them feel soothed. The ability to grab coffee, to browse things that were beautiful, to know that most anything in the store is accessible price-wise (versus window shopping at a designer store on 5th Avenue), and to mindlessly wander without fear of judgment or other tiny humans (and big ones for that matter) needing something from you. It made me think. What these women were describing did sound like self-care. They were carving out a sustainable, relaxing, and meaningful routine. They were making time for themselves. And when they left, they said they felt better than when they walked in. And I’m all for that. But it made me wonder two questions: 1) What is the thing for me (and other working mamas) that makes us feel this same way? Does a trip to Target actually make you feel less stressed? Or is it a long walk through your neighborhood with no music, no podcast–just nature? Or is it a really hard workout and a massage? Whatever it is, FIND THAT THING AND DO IT. 2) Does mindlessly shopping at Target make us focus on joy or happiness? Are we just looking for our next shot of serotonin when we essentially “add to cart” that Magnolia throw blanket (when we have a whole basket of them next to the couch) or that $20 candle that we’ll burn once before we forget about it? Is Target REALLY lowering our stress or are we just buying things to kinda numb ourselves for a couple hours? I know for me, it totally feels good to toss something beautiful in my cart. But that feeling is nowhere in sight when I take a look at my house and know that it’s over cluttered with stuff I definitely don’t need. That’s what I really want to remind you (and myself) as we’re in the midst of holiday shopping season. Are we buying the things that we know our kids will love and really use past the first of the year? Or are we sending stuff to our front door via our favorite 2-day shipper just because it’s on sale? Or because we have to have the tree full of gifts to put out that family photo on the ‘gram? Again, I’m all for beautiful and meaningful gifts that are bought with intentionality. But one woman in the article said that she went into Target “for shower cleaner and a cooler and is leaving with $271.01 in merchandise — and a mellowed mood.” But how long does that last? Until the credit card bill comes? I can’t emphasize enough that I sit here with zero judgment. If it TRULY gives you lasting joy, you do you mama! I just want you to know that the holidays (and everyday life, really) can be fulfilling and what you’ve dreamed of without buying your happiness with every swipe. Love you mama! xoxo, Dr. Whitney

We talk a lot about radical acceptance here at Modern Mommy Doc . And for good reason. Radical acceptance flies in the face of toxic positivity that says “everything is going to great and if it’s not, I can just will myself into feeling good about it.” Toxic positivity is constantly telling you to find the good in a situation. Which has its benefits, for sure. Because what you fix your mind on, you’ll see more of in the world. Not in a woowoo manifest way, but it’s actually science. If you tell yourself that you’re dumb and worthless, your brain looks for evidence of that and reminds you of and emphasizes mistakes you’ve made. But if you give yourself grace and tell yourself that you’re learning and growing and capable of great things, your brain is going to look for evidence of that. And all of a sudden you’re in a different head space. But here’s where it’s toxic: When you ignore the red flags. When you push to the side any negative thought or feeling and don’t allow yourself to work through those things critically. You only allow yourself space for the positivest of positive thoughts. No time for thoughts of “well, yeah, that day sucked. How can I choose to make the rest of my night better?” It’s simply “good vibes only!” And then you’re left in a place where your real life expectations don’t match up with reality. When things go awry, you have no way to cope or move forward. If it’s not sunshine and rainbows, you’re stuck. Here’s why this matters as we’re heading into the holiday season: raise your hand if your holidays have ever fallen short of what you hoped they’d be? 🙋🏻‍♀️🙋🏻‍♀️🙋🏻‍♀️🙋🏻‍♀️🙋🏻‍♀️🙋🏻‍♀️🙋🏻‍♀️🙋🏻‍♀️ X a million. My hand will probably forever and always be raised. BUT, there’s a (really big and really important) difference between having a holiday that sucks but gritting your teeth and saying “SMILE FOR THE CAMERA OR NO PRESENTS!” and one where you allow yourself to feel the feelings and move forward. I just read this quote about radical acceptance from therapist Andrew Harris that I just loved: “Radical acceptance is a distress tolerance skill that is designed to keep pain from turning into suffering. While pain is part of life, radical acceptance allows us to keep that pain from becoming suffering. By accepting the facts of reality without responding by throwing a tantrum or with willful negligence. In other words, it is what it is.” Who doesn’t need more of a “it is what it is” mentality during the holidays?! That doesn’t mean when the kids are losing their minds because they don’t want to wear their itchy fancy dinner clothes that you shrug and let them scream. It doesn’t mean that when your mother-in-law makes a remark that she’s so glad you were able to make it because she doesn’t get to see grandchildren very often that you just smile sweetly but sulk about it all night. It does mean you can have your boundaries and when they’re broken, not let it ruin your day. You can reinforce the expectations and still decide that you can have a peaceful evening when they aren’t met. We don’t have to run away or avoid the hard things. We can choose to take them on knowing there will be parts that suck and then it gets better. I was reading Between Two Kingdoms by Suleika Jaouad and she said, “What if I stopped thinking of pain as something that needs to be numbed, fixed, dodged and protected against? What if I tried to honor its presence in my body, welcoming it into the present?” OOOF. So how do we apply radical acceptance when it comes to having a happy, peaceful, fill in the blank with whatever you want out of it, holiday season? It all starts with doing some internal work (sorry, I know that’s usually my first answer. But it’s true, sis.) I suggest you start by journaling through some questions: —What would my perfect Christmas/Thanksgiving/holiday season/time off look like? —Why do I feel like it has to be this way? —What can I actually do to make it feel special? As you work through them, apply radical acceptance to your answers being aware of the things that you actually have control over. It might look something like this: What would my perfect Christmas/Thanksgiving/holiday season/time off look like? If I could wave a magic wand, we’d spend our entire vacation together. We’d have lazy mornings watching movies and playing games. All the baking would be fun and not stressful and my girls would create memories of our family being together. Why do I feel like it has to be this way? I suppose I want it to feel peaceful and low stress because we have a pretty busy life normally and I’d like a break from that. I probably have some mom guilt that I need to work through about not being around as much as I thought I could be (but I’m actually really glad I get to be away too. More guilt.) So I guess my biggest concern is that my girls will grow up and not have memories of me being fun mom–just angry, “get your shoes on!” mom. What can I actually do to make it feel special? I’m a doctor and sometimes that calls me away from my kids. And that’s okay. So I can choose to be fully present while they’re home from school on break and make sure that I’m not distracted by work when I’m there. I know that making memories is way more than Pinterest-perfect crafts and Martha Stewart-level baking sessions. Plus, those stress me out anyway. So I’m going to focus on the fact that my girls love movies, pajamas, and popcorn. And anytime they ask for it, it can be movie night while we’re on vacation. I can even let them each choose a special add-in candy that they want to throw in with their popcorn. Memories made and I get to sit down! Win! We don’t have to avoid the hard issues. Or pretend they don’t exist. Or even try to just be happy about it. Through radical acceptance we can see that pain coming our way, but choose not to let it push us into suffering. We can feel the feelings and move forward.

Dr. Whitney talks with Sascha Mayer from Mamava about her innovative business that helps support moms have a positive breastfeeding experience while they’re at the airport and many other public arenas. They also chat about how companies like this can r  eally help make a difference in the number of women that choose to breastfeed past those first few weeks after their baby is born.

Dr. Whitney has a crucial conversation with Dr. Jacqueline Kerr about the realities of working moms and the emotional and physical burnout they’re facing, as well as what it would look like to really have an environment in a workplace where burnout wouldn’t even exist. Dr. Jacqueline Kerr is a Behavioral Change scientist, host of The Overcoming Working Mom Burnout Podcast, and recently gave the TedX speech called “ How to Stop Burnout Before It Starts .” Baked Alaska analogy at the beginning.

Mom guilt is not a new concept. Almost from the time you find out you’re pregnant, you can experience it. You’re already inundated with the thoughts of whether or not you’re getting enough rest, taking the right prenatals, or eating the right foods in order keep your baby as healthy as you can. It kicks up about a thousand notches once that baby makes its arrival. You can feel guilty because the house isn’t spotless, but also when you are cleaning. You feel guilty about not spending enough money on the “best” stroller and are reminded of it every time you buy yourself a coffee. You feel it when you want time alone away from your child but then feel guilty when you resent that you can’t. We can even feel guilty that we feel guilty. Have you ever experienced that? When you’re upset that your baby isn’t napping well, you feel guilty because you know other moms aren’t getting any sleep at night. Or when they’re fussy because they’re teething, you feel guilty because you know other moms have a chronically ill child and your issue seems small comparatively. Mom guilt is real and it is POWERFUL. And then there’s working mom guilt. This is not to say that moms who chose not to work (in the “I have a paying job” sense…OBVIOUSLY all moms wooooork) don’t experience intense guilt. Like I just mentioned, it starts even before the baby is born. But working moms can sometimes experience something different. Working moms can feel guilty because they want to work. Or because they don’t want to work, but that’s not in the financial cards for their family. Working moms feel guilty when they can’t go on field trips. Or feel guilty that they don’t want to go on field trips and would rather be working. Working moms feel guilty that they actually enjoy their time at work. Or that their kids have to stay at the after school program instead of getting picked up at normal dismissal. Working moms feel guilty when they’re at home because they should/could/need/want to be working. And they feel guilty when they’re working because sometimes they want to be home. I wish I could title this blog, “3 ways to get rid of your working mom guilt fast!” but I can’t. I don’t even have 3 ways to get rid of it slowly. But I do have a few ideas to help you process through it. Accept the emotion. Fighting your way through it and just telling yourself to “stop feeling guilty” is the equivalent of telling a woman to “calm down” when she’s angry. It’s not going to help anything and it’s probably going to make things worse. When you feel guilt starting to creep in, have a conversation with yourself that gives room for that feeling. “Ugh. Feeling mom guilt again. That totally makes sense. I hate that I missed my daughter’s play this morning and I’m really mad that I couldn’t take the time off to see it.” When you can have that conversation, you’re allowing yourself to start to process that emotion rather than pushing through or pushing it aside. It normalizes the feeling rather than making you feel even more uncomfortable because you had it. Figure out a game plan. Is there anything that you can do now that would make you feel better? Could you plan a special time with your kiddo while they tell you all about the play? Could you let them stay up late that night for a special treat? We know that it’s not REALLY about watching your kid be a tree on stage. It’s about the connection and letting them know how proud you are of them (and seeing how proud they are of themselves!) and showing them that you’re there to celebrate them. Remind yourself of the badass that you are. You don’t have to be a c-suite exec to be a ballin working mama. Every mom who goes out and does ANYTHING to help provide for her family does it because she loves them. When you’re feeling guilty about being a working mom or about what that means you have to sacrifice, take the time to write out all the positives of your situation–even if you don’t want to be working in the first place. It can be as simple (and hugely valuable) as paying for groceries and housing. It can be that every day your kiddos see you fight for yourself and your ideals at work. It could be that you’re setting an example for what hard work and working towards a goal looks like. Mom guilt of any kind will probably never go away. I’m sure we’ll still feel it in our 60s wondering if we did it all right. But the biggest thing I’ve realized is that if I didn’t love my kids like crazy, I wouldn’t feel guilty. So in reality, mom guilt is just a reminder that you’re a great mom. That you’re a mom who sacrifices for her kids every single day. And there’s no guilt in that. 

Okay, we all have our thing. That thing we do that we know is weird, but we justs can’t help ourselves. My thing is lists. I love them so much. I love making them. I love crossing things off of them. I love creating lists for other people, too (I’m a giver. What can I say?) But one day, while staring at my color coded system of beauty, I caught myself thinking, “Man, there’s a lot of things on that list. I must be a great mom, because look at all that stuff I’m doing!” It became this symbol of pride for me. It was like my worth written down on paper. Not so much the busyness of it all, but just the sheer number of tasks on there. Was I exhausted after getting my list done? Yes. Was I probably grouchier after having accomplished them all? Absolutely. Were there things added to the list after I was done…which meant I was never really done? 100%. But if I was so drained, why did I feel so good about myself? I think it’s what a lot of moms feel sometimes. We get stuck in this false belief that the more we do, the more we’re worth. The more our family can look to us and think, “WOW! My mom is the best!” must mean that we really WERE a good more. It’s like we’re trying to convince ourselves that we’re actually equipped to do what we’ve been called to do and that we’re doing a good job at it. So I guess the question remains: what’s it going to be? Will you keep running yourself ragged into burnout and exhaustion just to validate yourself? Or will you take another way? Let me give you some perspective. One of the things that I had on my plate was the girls’ lunches. Ignoring the advice that I have counseled thousands of women on, I felt a desire to be a fun mom with their lunches. I thought that my girls would love little faces made with their fruit. I thought they would feel so loved and appreciated with the little notes I wrote every day. But it became a thing I dreeeeaded. What would I write today? I did a knock-knock joke yesterday, so I better write something inspirational today. What face could I make that would be recognizable and simple? I was just sure that this would be the thing that would make my daughters’ school years simply magical and they’d talk about it as something so fondly remembered to their kids. So I HAD to keep doing them. Wrong. I was throwing lunches together one morning as we were headed out the door (again, ignoring some of my own advice) and no one got a cute sandwich pig and no one got a note. And neither of them said a word about it. Was it a fluke? I simplified lunches the next day and the day after and literally haven’t heard a single thing about it. This is not an attack on those that go all out for things like lunches. If you love it, you do you. This is to simply point out that often when we’re so focused on “achieving” for achievement’s sake, we get wrapped up in things that don’t matter at all. Or ones we THINK will matter to our kids and they could not care less about them. So we’re running ourselves ragged, trying to wave our flag of, “Look!! I did it! I provided for my kids and I worked a full-time job and I was a great wife and I baked cookies for the bake sale! They were organic!” And we’re the only ones who care. What if, instead, we looked at our whole list and chose the things that a) really did make our kids feel loved b) made our spouse feel loved and appreciated the way they receive that kind of care and c) allowed us to show up as our best self. Ask your kids. Have conversations with your partner. Find out what really matters to them. Maybe your kids would prefer that you got to pick them up from school a couple days of week rather than be the room mom. Maybe your husband would much rather sit and have a conversation after dinner rather than you slaving over a home cooked meal and then having to do all the dishes together (even though you THOUGHT that’s what he wanted because that’s what his mom did.) If we’re trying to achieve simply for achievement’s sake, then we’ve missed the mark. We’re toiling in vain. Get back to your center points to really take a look at what means the most to you and go after THAT with all you’ve got. We talk a lot about our centered vision and how to make that happen in our lives in the Modern Mamas Club app –join us to see what it’s all about!

This week, Dr. Whitney explains the “attention economy” phenomenon–why it’s so hard for all of us to pay attention to everything these days. She talks about what that looks like for working moms and how we can fight against it.

Debra Isaacs Schafer is a long-established thought leader, subject-matter expert, advisor, coach, and speaker in the work/life integration arena with a core focus on supporting working parents with neurodiverse children. She also provides learning programs to companies and employees on the work/life realities of parents with exceptional caregiving needs, flexible work options, retention of working mothers, caregivers in the workplace, and creating a family-aligned culture.

The busiest part of the year is here! Pumpkin spice everything, academics, athletics, and extracurricular activities are spinning us headlong into the new year; and oh yeah!- we still have to stay on top of our jobs. Add to this the draining reality of being an adult and mother living through unparalleled world events. We’re exhausted before we even get out of bed! We’ve been running on empty for a long time, and chances are, our quality of work may be reflecting that. All it takes is a crazy week in our personal lives to deplete our ability to put out fires at work. If you’re worn out and need some tactics in your back pocket to whip out when you just can’t handle another “I hope this finds you well” email, don’t despair! Communicate Your Needs The worst thing we can do is to keep our struggle to ourselves. We’ve been conditioned for decades by companies to push ourselves past our human capacities when it comes to our workload. While speaking up about our limits is still frowned upon, it’s important to let your people know! Speaking to your manager or peers at work about your burnout and your desire to find ways to keep supporting the team will go a long way. If those around you see a diminished output without understanding its cause, incorrect assumptions can follow. Before you bring things up, try to pinpoint the cause behind why you’ve become depleted. Are you a new mother trying to navigate the needs of your newborn while simultaneously returning to the demands of your work role? Have you been given the work of two people, and you’re running out of motivation to show up every day? If you can’t identify any one cause, it could be general post-pandemic fatigue that many of us are still experiencing. This just might be the underlying cause of your fatigue, lack of focus or even anger at your inability to keep up with your kids and work tasks like you used to. Anticipate It Once you’ve voiced your struggles, follow through with setting boundaries that you’ve agreed on with your management, peers, or employees. To help you keep these boundaries in place, do your best to get ahead of any problems that tend to regularly arise. Are you usually left alone to wrap up projects under a tight deadline? Are there seasons where your business experiences a higher volume of tasks and clients to help? Do your best to anticipate and put a plan of action in place to address these issues, but don’t get bogged down by the “what ifs”. Even the best planning can’t prevent a last-minute technical problem or a family illness that throws a hitch in your schedule. Redistribute The Workload Many of us have seen growth in our existing companies or started and grown our small businesses because of dissatisfaction with our previous employers. Growth is great and we want to see it, but with success also comes the potential for stress. To keep your workload manageable, work with your team to set realistic expectations. If for some reason you’re expected to take on more responsibilities, (we’re looking at you, record turnover rates ) ask if this will be a permanent addition to your job description going forward. Many times an increase in workload starts out as a temporary change but solidifies where it shouldn’t because the person handling the duties “makes it work” for so long. Management then assumes they have the bandwidth going forward to own those tasks. If this has happened to you, it might be necessary to have a conversation to renegotiate your salary. If you’re a small business owner, and you notice there is more work to go around than current employees can handle, hire temporary or full-time employees as necessary! This is especially important as we head into the holidays if you’re a part of any eCommerce or product-based business. Don’t let a lack of funds cause burnout in your team. Small business loans or  lines of credit for businesses can boost your bottom line, support demand, and keep your team well-staffed and happy. Tools that Lighten the Load We’ve all worked for companies that lag behind the times on tools and operations. The amount of extra work a lack of ingenuity causes can, and usually does, pile on stress – and possibly resentment among employees! There are many tools available to help streamline or even automate some processes that are time-sucks on your productivity. Some can even be used in a personal capacity to help you organize your family’s activities and household to-do lists. If you know you’re coming up on a project with low energy and motivation, try breaking down large tasks into manageable sub-tasks. It’s easy to get overwhelmed facing a large amount of work and procrastination can set in. Knowing why you procrastinate can also help you identify areas that need to be redistributed among your peers or employees. Oxygen Masks Every time we get on a plane we’re reminded when oxygen masks drop down, to put our mask on first, then help anyone sitting next to us to put on their mask. We often see ourselves as the capable adult in this analogy who needs to take care of ourselves so we can take care of others. But – what if sometimes we were the other person sitting in that airplane seat, unable to reach the mask, fumbling with our seat belt, terrified for our lives? These days, it takes more than a cup of tea and a hot bath to recharge from what life and work throw at us. As individuals vacate jobs to change careers or start their own ventures, the overwhelming theme is that people are asking for mental and emotional support, and for companies to just do better! Collectively, we’ve learned a lot about the importance of mental health and self-care in the last few years, but there is still a lot to unlearn from decades of being told that our best was never good enough. Sometimes we need someone to hand us the oxygen mask so we don’t have to spend hours of research trying to figure out how to pay for the mental health tools that our employers could often easily purchase and make available to us. Offering paid time off for doctors and counseling appointments, and the comprehensive healthcare plans that make those affordable is a huge draw for employees that have previously been treated like a commodity instead of a human with limits. If you run a business, give your employees the resources you would want, and if you’re an employee, gather like-minded peers to ask your HR department for help. Reach Out If you start your day already depleted from personal struggles, chances are someone else at your company is as well. Giving a tactful, but honest answer to “how’s your day going?” on a Zoom call can feel awkward, but another employee may hear that and finally acknowledge to themselves that they aren’t doing so hot themselves! Reach out to coworkers you know are struggling, or start a Slack channel for everyone to have a safe space where they can offer one another support when they need it. Knowing we’re not alone can make all the difference.

Scrolling through insta on the last few weeks of August and the first weeks of September, you’d think that every kid in America is jazzed out of their mind to go back to school. You’ll see smiling faces in new outfits with their fresh new haircuts and backpacks. You’ll see piping hot breakfasts ready to start the year off with a bang. And it’s all a lie. Well most of it. I’m sure there are kids who ARE really excited about school. The ones who really do enjoy finding out who their new teacher is and can’t wait to see what friends are in their classes. But for other kids, none of that is exciting. Some kids will fight you tooth and nail about going back to school. They think teachers are boring, classmates are the worst, and they just hate everything about it. Some kids will have a harder time with transitions (typical kids can struggle with this too!) or get overwhelmed with all the newness, even if they’re a seasoned school-goer. I want to give you permission, mama, to feel all the feelings when it comes to kids not being excited about school. It can be really discouraging if you’re wanting to celebrate the start of a new year and your kid is a stage 5 clinger at drop off. It’s normal to feel disappointed when no one likes the breakfast you slaved over to commemorate the first day. It’s even totally okay to feel angry that they just don’t care about all the money you spent on new clothes and want to wear the same t-shirt from last year that’s two sizes too small. Just as you have permission to feel all the feels, your kiddos need that permission from you too. You need to let them know that feeling scared about your first day is absolutely normal and okay. That feeling angry when you have to go somewhere when you don’t want to is okay. That feeling really sad because you have to leave Mommy is okay. Last month, we had plans to celebrate the 4th of July as a family. We were going to this awesome parade downtown where my parents live–the whole town turns out for it! There’s fire trucks, dance teams, and floats that all head down the street throwing candy to all the excited onlookers that cheer them on waving their flags all around. It’s truly spectacular and I was really looking forward to it because it’s one of my favorite celebrations we do as a family. But one of my kids just couldn’t hang. The weather was too hot, fireworks were too loud, and people were too peopley. And I ended up having to take her home while my husband stayed with my other daughter. I was really, really disappointed. And when we got home, I just leaned into it. I allowed myself 5 sad songs that I knew were only going to make me cry and I sat in my feelings. My daughter wanted to snuggle, but was also curious about why I was so sad. I told her that right then I couldn’t really explain it to her (I just knew I was too amped up to be clear or kind), but that I would the next day. So we listened to my sad songs, snuggled, and then watched some shows together. And by the end, I actually felt better, because I gave myself space to process my feelings. If your expectation of what you think the back to school season does not meet up with your kiddos behavior, or vice versa, that’s okay. It’s okay to feel sad. It’s okay to feel disappointed or angry. But don’t walk away from it without examining WHY you feel that way and what you can learn from it. Or having honest conversations with your kids, not telling them that THEY are the reason you feel that way, but just that you are feeling it. This gets to be our teaching opportunity to let them know that you get big feelings, just like they do. And that all feelings are allowed. Forever and always. We don’t hide from our feelings, we just recognize that they’re there and pay attention to what they might mean. I’m never going to be someone who stands up and preaches that you just need to have a positive attitude about something, even when it’s terrible. That’s toxic positivity and that can be waaaay more damaging than being disappointed about the way that something is going. When I was upset about missing the parade, I was REALLY upset, because it was about more than just a parade. In that moment, I thought, “This sucks. This day sucks. And I hate that this is our family story.” And it’s okay that I really, truly felt that way in the moment, and allowed myself to lean into it and feel that way. But I didn’t let myself wallow. I gave myself my 5 sad song limit and told myself that it makes sense that I feel that way in that moment. When you’re disappointed, reeeeally disappointed about something, have some self-compassion. Know that everything you’re feeling is okay. But. Then you GET to decide what your next step is. How long you’re going to sit in those feelings and where you’ll go from there. There’s a lot you don’t get to decide about those kinds of situations. But your next step, that’s all you, mama. You've got this!

At Modern Mommy Doc, we talk a lot about the difference between your centered points in your centered vision (the things that matter most to you and want to be spending most of your time and energy on) and all the stuff in life that has to get done but shouldn’t define you. We call them non-negotiables, swappables, heart strings, and contaminators. People can usually define those things that matter the most pretty easily, but can’t figure out how to prioritize them when other things are needing attention – when your kids, your job, and your own personal desires are all “needing you” at the same time.

I love my girls more than anything in this entire world. But. Sometimes they’re a lot. Being a mom is a LOT. Parents face the weirdest dichotomy every day: you’d literally take a bullet for your kid, but you might lose your ish if they ask for a snack one more time. That’s kinda my feelings around school starting. I LOVE that we get more time together during the summer. But I’m also so relieved knowing that that time is going to be dwindling down in the next few weeks. It doesn’t help that there’s this sphere of motherhood on the internet that will tell you that if you don’t savor every single second of your kid’s childhood that you’re simply not a good mom. Or if you don’t want to bottle up the fighting and the messes and the noise and hold onto it for as long as you possibly can, then you’re the worst of the worst. So no, I don’t think it’s helpful when the old lady approaches us at the grocery store – when one of my daughters is losing her mind because they’re out of the Lunchable she normally gets and the other is crying because her sister smacked her forehead in her moment of rage – and then proceeds to tell me how much I’m going to miss this someday. First, I find that very hard to believe. Second, even if I did, heaping on the guilt while I’m trying to navigate my kids’ behavior at the store is less than helpful. And just makes everything worse. Same thing with this idea that it’s not okay to be excited that school is starting. We are ALL aware that our days with our kids are limited. We know that each summer passing means one less summer before they’re grown and gone. But believing that each moment needs to be magical or that if we aren’t popping out of bed each day excited to be mother of the year means we are somehow less capable, is simply harmful to all moms. All parents really. I actually think it’s a great thing that my girls are going back to school, because it helps me to be able to be really present in the moments that I am with them. I have less guilt shutting work down at the end of the day because I know I got in really good focused time and was able to accomplish (mostly) everything that I wanted for the day. And then I have ZERO guilt when it’s movie night and I get to BE with my family. I know there’s moms out there who want to be with their kids every single second. Who don’t get overwhelmed by the extra noise or the extra messes. Who genuinely miss them the moment they aren’t with them. And that’s awesome for them! But I’m not one of those people. I really do enjoy my time that I get to myself. I LOVE my job. I get excited for adult conversation. And I get REFUELED by the times that I’m away from my kids. Does that make me a bad mom? Nope. Just human. So if you’re having a hard time feeling guilty about actually being excited because your kids are headed to school in a few weeks, try this practice with me: Instead of feeling guilty, lean into gratitude. Instead of telling yourself that you’re a bad mom because you want time to yourself, remind yourself you’re grateful for being able to recharge so you can be the best mom to your kids. Instead of telling yourself that you’re terrible because you’re looking forward to your kids going to school, remind yourself that you’re grateful that your kids go to a safe school where they’re going to get a great education. Instead of telling yourself that you’re a bad mom because you’re at your whit’s end just a few weeks into summer, remind yourself that you’re grateful for the moments you’ve displayed patience with yourself and your kids (and for the show on Netflix that gave you a solid 30 minutes of uninterrupted work time!) Instead of feeling guilty, lean into gratitude and see how that changes your perspective. Because you’re a great mom who loves her kiddos the best way she can. And that looks different for every one of us.