Years ago, when I was in elementary school, I remember learning about Occam’s razor. In layman’s terms, this rule states that the simplest explanation is usually the right one. And while this is not a foolproof formula for everything life throws our way, there is something resonant about it when it comes to the experience of motherhood. What if, instead of complicating life with activities, commitments, reward charts, committees, meetings, bake sales, and so on, we took a lesson from our pandemic lifestyles to focus on doing less…but doing it better?
THE AWAKENING
I used to hate being on vacation. I mean, I LOVED going places, exploring, and getting out of my day-to-day routines. But when I went on vacation, I would always feel…antsy. Without the rhythm of a workweek schedule or even the catch-up pressure of a weekend to-do list, I was at a loss. The stillness of not having to do anything — or, more to the point, of just being — made me straight-up uncomfortable.
So I’d deflect and distract. “Let’s go on a waterfall hike,” I’d suggest. As soon as we’d arrive back at the car, it’d be, “Okay, I’m done with this. Let’s go get something to eat.” Then, full and bored, “Maybe there’s a live event happening in the lobby.” Sitting and doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING was harder than keeping myself mentally and physically busy at all times.
At first, I thought it was just the stress of life wearing off. I figured I needed a few days for that frantic, rat-race pace to melt away. But eventually I realized it was the absence of distraction and obligation that was most difficult for me. When I was still, I was alone with myself…and all my thoughts and worries and insecurities.
Sound familiar? This frenzied approach to life is practically endemic among most Type A moms I know. But Mama, it’s a symptom of a pervasive mindset that leads to missing out on all the good stuff because you’re too busy being busy.
MINDFUL MOTHERHOOD
I used that vacation epiphany as a wake-up call for the rest of my life. I started to slow down, even before the pandemic struck, to try and tune in to more of the good things in my life. To savor those evening snuggles, those throaty giggles over silly jokes, that sheer exuberance kids experience when they win a game of Memory or get a cookie after dinner. I began to wonder if I needed to be on every last committee at work, and if maybe I could offload some of my responsibilities around the house in a more equitable and satisfying way. (For more on this, check out this blog!)
That process was essentially what mindfulness is all about, according to Carina Devi, the soothing, soulful voice behind the Mindful Mamas Club. (Mindful Mamas offers meditation practices specifically designed for parents who want to be more conscious in their day-to-day lives and their parenting.) I invited Carina on my podcast to talk about mindfulness, and she boiled it down to two important points:
1. Mindfulness is essentially “noticing the things you didn’t notice before.” It’s about paying attention to the here and now. What sensations are happening in your body as you sit and read this blog? Are your shoulders tight? Is your breathing shallow or deep? Is your foot asleep? Are you thinking about what you need to do next? Invite yourself to notice but refrain from judgment. The key is to observe, not evaluate.
2. Mindfulness helps break the “mental loops” mamas often have on repeat and replenish your reserves of patience, compassion, and, yes, even energy. (See my blogs on how to physically recharge throughout the day and how to ensure your mental well-being.) So often, Carina points out, we can get caught up in emotions that we “can’t see all the way through.” So instead of responding the way we want to when our child breaks a glass or brings home a bad grade, we get triggered by our own experiences or memories and react rather than parent.
BEING VERSUS DOING
During that same podcast, I brought up how, during Christmas 2020, I found myself enjoying the season more than ever. Instead of rushing around to Christmas plays and parties, I was at home with my family, decorating our tree, baking, and just being cozy together. Yes, we missed our family and friends. But because the times demanded we do less, we were able to enjoy it more.
And that’s the takeaway, Mama. If you learn how to pause, observe, and how to just be, you might find that, yes, you accomplish less, but you feel happier anyway.
TWO-MINUTE MEDITATION
Need to get centered but short on time? Then this grounding meditation is for you.
1. Place your right hand on your heart and your left hand on your stomach.
2. Inhale while counting slowly to three.
3. Pause, then close your eyes as you exhale over four counts.
4. Inhale again for three counts while visualizing a golden, rejuvenating light filling your lungs.
5. Exhale to a count of four as you visualize that golden light spreading throughout your body.
6. Inhale again, noticing the sounds and smells of your space.
7. Exhale again. Observe how you feel physically and emotionally, but refrain from judging or evaluating those feelings.
8. Inhale to a count of three.
9. Exhale to a count of four as you slowly open your eyes.
I know first-hand that working mom life is hard, but I also know it doesn’t have to be impossible.
Trust me. The best way to get unstuck isn’t to work harder. It’s to use a framework that gets real results, no matter what area you need to tackle first.