Do you need more help than you have now?

We can teach men and women HOW to share the mental load, but this is the way to make sure it actually happens.

Shira Gill gives us practical tips for keeping your home (and mind) decluttered through the holidays, with all that comes with having kids and a magical Christmas morning!

It’s Christmas morning. You’ve just sat down with your favorite mug to watch your kids open their presents. It’s chilly outside, but you’re feeling so cozy and grateful for this time. Nothing could ruin this moment. And then the tears start. “I didn’t get the art set I wanted! That’s what I wanted the most! I hate Christmas!” Well, that’ll snap you back into reality. As much as we’d love it if they could, kids don’t automatically fast forward into maturity just because it’s Christmas time. Disappointment, overwhelm, and exhaustion are all normonal feelings for kids to have in this next month. And they’re probably not ready to handle that on their own just yet. Can you imagine? “I think I’m going to lie down for a bit. All of the people and the noise are overstimulating me. So I’m going to take some time to rest so I can come out later and be at my best.” Every mom would fall over dead. So how can we help set our kids up for success when it comes to their expectations and emotions around Christmas? Be very clear on what you know. There’s so many surprising and unexpected things that happen in the month of December. Drop-by visitors, seeing people you only visit once a year, later bedtimes. All of this can throw kids for a loop. And while you want to maintain as much of the magic and mystery that you can surrounding the season, if there are concrete things you can tell your kids, do that! Let them know the schedule for the day/week/month in advance. Help them to see when new things have been added to the calendar and where you’ve got nothing planned so they can recharge. If things will look different this year for Christmas, it’s best to be upfront about that too. Lots of families are feeling the stretch of their budget not going as far right now, and buying gifts only makes that worse. Although you probably don’t want to delve into the ins and outs of your portfolio with your kids, don’t be afraid to have those conversations. If this year there’s only room for either Christmas morning gifts OR the lots of little things you add in throughout the month, let them choose. That way they still feel like they’re getting what they want out of the holiday season. Or if you can only afford 1-2 gifts per child, ask them to tell you their top items on their Christmas list so you can avoid meltdowns on Christmas morning. Ask for their input. Not only do you want to find out their top gift ideas, ask them what an ideal Christmas season looks like. Is there an activity that they love that makes it feel like Christmas to them? Planning out things for your Elf on the Shelf to do every day makes NO sense if your kid couldn’t care less and only wants to bake cookies and watch Christmas movies. It’s also a great idea to talk to them about how they’ve experienced their emotions about Christmas in the past. And don’t be afraid to be truthful with them–it will only help both of you understand how they feel. I have one daughter who would be disappointed on Christmas no matter what I do. If she got a pony, she’d be sad she didn’t get a horse. It’s not really about entitlement, that’s just how she processes all the things that the holidays bring. So this year, I’m trying to have a conversation with her about it. Something like, “A lot of times, it seems like you’re disappointed with how Christmas turns out for you. What else could we do, besides more presents, that could help it feel more special?” You’ll be surprised what they come up with! Practice Radical Acceptance (and help your kiddos with it too!) As much as I’d love to give you advice that will work every time so your kids end every Christmas season by running to give you a big bear hug and a huge “THANKS mom for all you do! You’re the best!”, that’s just not gonna happen. Kids are still kids and most of the time, THEIR reactions also don’t live up to OUR expectations. So you also need to go into this season with the mentality that some days are going to be great. And some might suck. But that’s okay. It would make sense to feel stressed when money is tight. It would make sense to feel sad when you’re missing family. It would make sense that you’re disappointed not to be able to attend your favorite event of the year. But the sooner you can accept those feelings as good and valid, the sooner you can move forward. Same with your kids! Help them to see that all their feelings make sense, but [X] is how to move forward. Then you BOTH can have a very merry holiday season.

This week we’re chatting with Michael Perry, founder of the Maple app, designed to help make managing your home easier by expanding the ownership of responsibilities to more than just moms and creating a “back office” for your home.

Dr. Whitney shares really practical tips on how to boost your productivity and efficiency in your personal and professional life–all without doing it just for productivity’s sake. 

 Dr. Whitney talks with productivity expert, Brianna McKenizie, on how you can make yourself the most efficient possible (in very practical ways!) in order to get more accomplished in your day.

If I had a dollar for every chore chart, system, or checklist I’ve used to get my kids to do their chores…I’d have a lot of dollars. Kids and chores have been the age old question for moms. Do we pay them? Do they need an allowance? What about the kinds of chores that just have to be done simply because they are a human that lives in my house? I know I’m not the only one who struggles with it. All you’ve gotta do is a quick “chore chart” or “chore system” search on Pinterest and you’ll instantly feel A) overwhelmed and B) like you’re a terrible mom who’s let her children turn into lazy hooligans that will never have a successful career because they don’t know the value of hard work. Or maybe that was just me. I’ve tried everything. The “no screens before _insert task here_ ” list, paying them per chore, not paying them at all. And it all ends in either me begging and pleading with my kids to do their chores, or me just giving in and doing myself because I don’t want to wait around for them to do them. Here’s what I’ve learned: the system doesn’t matter. The chore chart doesn’t matter. My kids have to know and understand the why behind the chores I’ve given them in order to care about doing them even a little bit. I’m not saying that once they understand the purpose that I’m greeted every morning with, “Mommy! I’ve already made my bed and taken out the trash! Is there anything I can do to help you?” Far from it. What I AM saying is that they have to be intrinsically motivated. If it’s just for money, and they don’t have anything they’re actively saving up for or thinking about buying, it loses its motivation really fast–especially in younger kids. The way we’ve handled that has worked the best for us is to make our family feel like a team and to remind them how stinking important they are to that team. Mommy and daddy can’t do ALL the things because they have other important things they are responsible for as well (and explain what those are). You have to create a sense of community and belonging for them. Real world example for our family: this morning, my daughter told me that she’s gotta feed the fish or they’d die. I could have swooped in and fed it myself before she had a chance to, but even giving her little tasks like this gives her a sense of responsibility and accomplishment. It lets her know how important she is in our tribe. And like we talked about last week , even those little things can add up when we’ve got everything on our shoulders. As moms, we often can be the only ones who remember to feed the fish and clean the bowl (or pick up the socks on the stairs or turn out the lights). Or maybe others notice it but assume you’re going to do it. By giving our kids chores, we’re reminding them that they’ve got responsibility in our family too. That there’s not always going to be someone there to clean up their messes. And it gives moms the breathing room and the mental space to be able to put their energy into the types of areas that are actually life-giving for us. So we can live out our centered life vision with less distraction and more fulfillment and joy.

I just saw a meme the other day that was a cartoon of a mom sitting in a hospital, bandaged and casted from head to toe, sitting in a wheelchair. The caption underneath read, “My kids would still ask me for snacks.” I laughed so hard because it could not be truer. I’ve had a kiddo walk past their dad on the couch to come find me in the shower to ask me to open their water bottle. I honestly cannot explain this phenomenon, but I’ve never met a family where they don’t say the same thing is true in their house. In 99.9% of families, mom is the “Chief Question Answerer.” And these questions run the gamut. Everything from, “Mom, can I watch a show?” to “Mom, can you sign this permission slip?” to “Mom, what happens when we die?” In the moment, it might seem that answering a little question isn't a big deal, but I just read an article that said moms get asked almost 400 questions a day. FOUR HUNDRED. No wonder we’re all exhausted. Decision fatigue is a real thing! Plus you have to add all the other things on top of that that we’re deciding on throughout the day. What should we have for dinner? What preschool should we put our kid in? When can I go visit my sister? What should we get the cousins for Christmas? All the things. When we become the Chief Question Answerer as well as the Chief Figure Outer in our homes, there’s a couple things that happen. First, like I mentioned, we get worn down. After you’ve already answered 285 questions at dinner, deciding whether or not your kid can go to the park seems like they’ve just asked you to solve a quadratic equation. And a worn out mom can easily become an angry mom. A distracted mom. A disconnected mom. The second thing that happens is that we can get resentful towards our spouse. Even being the person who has to say yes or no to snacks ALL the time can feel like you’re the gatekeeper. Like you’re the only one who has to say no. And that can easily make you feel like your spouse isn’t contributing. Even over something as silly as snacks. When in reality, most of the time, they just aren’t being asked the things. More than likely, they’d be happy to open the popsicles or to help with homework. But, at least in our house, our kids have gotten into the habit of coming to me for everything. Even though their dad is perfectly capable of doing it all. And is probably right in front of their faces. So how do we divide things up so that we both feel good about our share of the emotional decision making? First, we’ve gotta break the habit from our kids. They don’t know they’re doing it and they’re certainly not ignoring their dad’s perfectly skilled fruit-snack-opening fingers on purpose. Just like we’ve divided up time in our home where one parent will get up early with the kids while the other kind of tucks away for some alone time, we can do the same things with this. Maybe you divide up the days based on who’s making dinner. If it’s dad’s night, then mom fields all the questions and vice versa (and yes, that does mean dads can have nights cooking dinner!) If that doesn’t seem like it would flow in your house, try a different way to divide it. However you decide, make sure it’s known to your kids and your spouse. “For the next two hours, all requests go to dad.” And then don’t give in. This is a great opportunity to give your spouse a chance to see just how many things are requested of you all day long. The second thing we can do to help redistribute the weight of this is to get better at asking for help and expressing our needs. For a long time, every Christmas my husband would say to me, “Thanks for handling everything this year.” And that would enrage me. I’d think, “Well if I didn’t handle it all, nothing would get done!” Once I realized that I wasn’t even TRYING to hand off things to him, it all got simpler. I made a list of the 497 things I had to do around the holidays and told him the top 5 things that stressed me the most. I asked him to pick 3 of them and let him know that I would be SO much more relaxed if he could handle those. And you know what? He did them! Not exactly how I would have done them, but it was so much better than me running around trying to fit it all in while still working full-time. Moms are reeeeally good at becoming martyrs for things they could have just asked for help with. ASK FOR HELP. And not just with the things that seem like they need to get checked off your list. Because sometimes we do need help with carpool and making the snacks and doing the laundry. But sometimes we also just need someone to decide for us if we should cook chicken or fish. Because it doesn’t matter if it’s deciding something that could greatly affect your family or just something inconsequential, you deserve to do it within community.

An annual survey conducted in 2021, found that 62% of kids aged 6 to 12 said their parents are distracted when trying to talk to them and say that cell phones are the biggest distractors. Ouch.

Children are quick to learn, and a great way to continue their learning experience is by creating a space for them to practice everything they’ve learned. A learning corner at home is a great way to help children exercise their minds outside the traditional classroom setting. And by dedicating a space in your home for the sole purpose of learning, children can benefit from their surroundings. So whether you want to dedicate a space for learning at home in Dallas, TX, or are thinking of upgrading an existing learning corner in Vancouver, BC, here are some creative ways to create a learning corner at home for kids.

Scott and Dr. Whitney have been married for a looooog time (almost 17 years)! They talk about what has worked, and what hasn't, as they've managed their kids and their careers over the last 2 decades.

Let me guess. Someone, somewhere in the last week or so has talked about how hectic the holiday season is. They talked about how much they had to get done, how many gifts they had to buy, and how much they had to accomplish. The whole, “Oh, the holidays are so stressful” mantra is just as much a part of our winter tradition in the United States as Santa and Frosty the Snowman, especially for moms.

Taking steps even months before the big day (or season) is going to make everything feel a lot smoother and seamless. In our final week of the Working Mom’s Guide to the Holidays, we’re jumping into how to manage aaaaall work parties and obligations that come your way during this time of year.

How do you manage all the expectations that come home every day in your kids’ backpacks in the form of a brightly colored flyer? There’s no way you can say yes to them all (and you definitely don’t want to say yes to them all. Trust me.)

We’re back with our second part of the Working Mom’s Guide to the Holidays and this week we’re chatting about Black Friday. One of the most shopped days of the year, it “officially” kicks off the Christmas shopping season. Even though, I swear, Black Friday somehow gets moved earlier and earlier each year and stores have been having sales in the name of “Black Friday” since the beginning of the month.

Over the next few weeks, we’re going to give you the Working Mom’s Guide to the Holidays and tackle a few different things that come up for us EVERY year. Things that, if we let them, can absolutely ruin what could be a really magical time of year. Things like shopping, school and work parties, and aaaalll the pinterest traditions you could choose from

If you’re reading this and feel like you’ve been totally shame-bombing yourself during your own holiday weekends, let me tell you: You can make room for more holiday magic with your kids, and we’re going to show you how.

As moms, we can often feel like we’ve gotta hold it all together ALL the time and if we ever can’t hold up to that crazy high standard, it’s because we’re terrible moms. And because we’re broken. The real reason you feel like this isn’t because YOU’RE broke, it’s because your SYSTEM is broken.