Dr. Whitney has a crucial conversation with Dr. Jacqueline Kerr about the realities of working moms and the emotional and physical burnout they’re facing, as well as what it would look like to really have an environment in a workplace where burnout wouldn’t even exist. Dr. Jacqueline Kerr is a Behavioral Change scientist, host of The Overcoming Working Mom Burnout Podcast, and recently gave the TedX speech called “ How to Stop Burnout Before It Starts .” Baked Alaska analogy at the beginning.

Mom guilt is not a new concept. Almost from the time you find out you’re pregnant, you can experience it. You’re already inundated with the thoughts of whether or not you’re getting enough rest, taking the right prenatals, or eating the right foods in order keep your baby as healthy as you can. It kicks up about a thousand notches once that baby makes its arrival. You can feel guilty because the house isn’t spotless, but also when you are cleaning. You feel guilty about not spending enough money on the “best” stroller and are reminded of it every time you buy yourself a coffee. You feel it when you want time alone away from your child but then feel guilty when you resent that you can’t. We can even feel guilty that we feel guilty. Have you ever experienced that? When you’re upset that your baby isn’t napping well, you feel guilty because you know other moms aren’t getting any sleep at night. Or when they’re fussy because they’re teething, you feel guilty because you know other moms have a chronically ill child and your issue seems small comparatively. Mom guilt is real and it is POWERFUL. And then there’s working mom guilt. This is not to say that moms who chose not to work (in the “I have a paying job” sense…OBVIOUSLY all moms wooooork) don’t experience intense guilt. Like I just mentioned, it starts even before the baby is born. But working moms can sometimes experience something different. Working moms can feel guilty because they want to work. Or because they don’t want to work, but that’s not in the financial cards for their family. Working moms feel guilty when they can’t go on field trips. Or feel guilty that they don’t want to go on field trips and would rather be working. Working moms feel guilty that they actually enjoy their time at work. Or that their kids have to stay at the after school program instead of getting picked up at normal dismissal. Working moms feel guilty when they’re at home because they should/could/need/want to be working. And they feel guilty when they’re working because sometimes they want to be home. I wish I could title this blog, “3 ways to get rid of your working mom guilt fast!” but I can’t. I don’t even have 3 ways to get rid of it slowly. But I do have a few ideas to help you process through it. Accept the emotion. Fighting your way through it and just telling yourself to “stop feeling guilty” is the equivalent of telling a woman to “calm down” when she’s angry. It’s not going to help anything and it’s probably going to make things worse. When you feel guilt starting to creep in, have a conversation with yourself that gives room for that feeling. “Ugh. Feeling mom guilt again. That totally makes sense. I hate that I missed my daughter’s play this morning and I’m really mad that I couldn’t take the time off to see it.” When you can have that conversation, you’re allowing yourself to start to process that emotion rather than pushing through or pushing it aside. It normalizes the feeling rather than making you feel even more uncomfortable because you had it. Figure out a game plan. Is there anything that you can do now that would make you feel better? Could you plan a special time with your kiddo while they tell you all about the play? Could you let them stay up late that night for a special treat? We know that it’s not REALLY about watching your kid be a tree on stage. It’s about the connection and letting them know how proud you are of them (and seeing how proud they are of themselves!) and showing them that you’re there to celebrate them. Remind yourself of the badass that you are. You don’t have to be a c-suite exec to be a ballin working mama. Every mom who goes out and does ANYTHING to help provide for her family does it because she loves them. When you’re feeling guilty about being a working mom or about what that means you have to sacrifice, take the time to write out all the positives of your situation–even if you don’t want to be working in the first place. It can be as simple (and hugely valuable) as paying for groceries and housing. It can be that every day your kiddos see you fight for yourself and your ideals at work. It could be that you’re setting an example for what hard work and working towards a goal looks like. Mom guilt of any kind will probably never go away. I’m sure we’ll still feel it in our 60s wondering if we did it all right. But the biggest thing I’ve realized is that if I didn’t love my kids like crazy, I wouldn’t feel guilty. So in reality, mom guilt is just a reminder that you’re a great mom. That you’re a mom who sacrifices for her kids every single day. And there’s no guilt in that. 

Have you ever watched that show Hoarders ? I don’t even know if it’s on any more, but whenever I’ve watched an episode, it’s one of those “car wreck” situations that I just can’t look away from. People who don’t just have clutter, but whose lives have been ruined by it. Obviously they pick the worst of the worst–that’s what makes good TV. But there’s a difference between someone’s grandma’s house that has too many glass chachkies and someone who has saved every (dirty) take out box from the last 20 years, right? And that’s kinda where our mind goes when we think about clutter. To the counters full of papers and dishes. Or the closets stuffed with old clothes. Or the playroom overflowing with toys. And if you’ve been around here for a hot second, you know I’m a huge believer in decluttering your stuff simply as a way to reduce stress in your household (check out my podcast ep with Allie Casazza to hear some really practical insight on this.) Less stuff = less choices Less choices = less overwhelm But what happens when your clutter isn’t the stuff you see? It’s not what’s jumbled on your counters, but what’s jumbled in your mind. As much as having a cluttered home can really be a huge source of stress and spiking cortisol levels for moms (seriously, it’s science), I think we don’t talk as much as we need to about mental clutter. Mental clutter is when you’ve got too many things, thoughts, or ideas going on in your brain at one time and it causes you to lose focus and clarity, making it really hard to process events and emotions. Can’t remember that person’s name that you’ve met 12 times in the last two months? Have a hard time actually finishing a single task or project without getting pulled (by your own brain) into something else? That’s mental clutter. And it makes being a working mom infinitely harder because it throws a wrench in our productivity, efficiency, and even our mental, emotional, and physical health. Here are four easy ways you can reduce mental clutter: Brain Dump: You know I love a good brain dump! When you’re feeling that overwhelm start to slip in because you have too many things to remember or get done, get it all down on paper. There’s something magical (and scientific!) that happens when you can actually see all the things you’re thinking or worrying about. If you just leave it in your mind, it leaves room to be forgotten or for it to live in the land of overwhelm. When you get it written down, it becomes concrete. You can assign it a time that you know it’s going to get done and your brain automatically feels that burden lifted–even without you having actually accomplished it yet! Turn off your notifications: This is one of the most freeing things you can do. When you have so much input coming at you all day long from that tiny screen, it only makes sense that finishing projects is difficult. BingBingBingBing. No one can concentrate when that’s going on. PLUS, it’s training your brain to want that dopamine hit that you get when you see your screen light up (again, totally science!) You’ve gotta break that habit and teach your brain that it can focus for longer stretches without getting distracted. Turn off the notifications from all the apps that you don’t absolutely need. On the iphone, you even can set different levels of focus and choose which apps you want to hear from. For example, on my “work focus,” I have it set that I only get texts and calls from my husband and calls from girls’ school. And that’s it. No other apps, nothing. BEST THING EVER. Journal/Meditate: These two go hand in hand. It really doesn’t matter which you choose, you just need to give your brain silent space to do nothing. Not scroll your phone, not read a book, not watch a show. Silent space to do nothing. And if you want to keep a notebook next to you in case anything comes up that you need to journal through, go for it! Create a solid morning/evening routine: I do have an episode about why I don’t think everyone should have a morning routine in the traditional sense, but hear me out. There is something to be said for having a routine that opens and closes your day. That allows you to incorporate things like mediation, brain dumps for the next day, etc. So it doesn’t have to be something that starts your day off at 5am every morning (no thanks), but when you give you mind space to get prepped for the day ahead, you’ll have so much more freedom once you start getting into work. Because then you’ll know what’s really important for that day and what you can let slide. Need help really nailing down what those center points are in your life? The things that anchor you when everything feels wonky? Check out our 14 guided lessons in the Modern Mamas club app that take you from Conflicted to Centered.

Dr. Whitney shares really practical tips on how to boost your productivity and efficiency in your personal and professional life–all without doing it just for productivity’s sake. 

Okay, we all have our thing. That thing we do that we know is weird, but we justs can’t help ourselves. My thing is lists. I love them so much. I love making them. I love crossing things off of them. I love creating lists for other people, too (I’m a giver. What can I say?) But one day, while staring at my color coded system of beauty, I caught myself thinking, “Man, there’s a lot of things on that list. I must be a great mom, because look at all that stuff I’m doing!” It became this symbol of pride for me. It was like my worth written down on paper. Not so much the busyness of it all, but just the sheer number of tasks on there. Was I exhausted after getting my list done? Yes. Was I probably grouchier after having accomplished them all? Absolutely. Were there things added to the list after I was done…which meant I was never really done? 100%. But if I was so drained, why did I feel so good about myself? I think it’s what a lot of moms feel sometimes. We get stuck in this false belief that the more we do, the more we’re worth. The more our family can look to us and think, “WOW! My mom is the best!” must mean that we really WERE a good more. It’s like we’re trying to convince ourselves that we’re actually equipped to do what we’ve been called to do and that we’re doing a good job at it. So I guess the question remains: what’s it going to be? Will you keep running yourself ragged into burnout and exhaustion just to validate yourself? Or will you take another way? Let me give you some perspective. One of the things that I had on my plate was the girls’ lunches. Ignoring the advice that I have counseled thousands of women on, I felt a desire to be a fun mom with their lunches. I thought that my girls would love little faces made with their fruit. I thought they would feel so loved and appreciated with the little notes I wrote every day. But it became a thing I dreeeeaded. What would I write today? I did a knock-knock joke yesterday, so I better write something inspirational today. What face could I make that would be recognizable and simple? I was just sure that this would be the thing that would make my daughters’ school years simply magical and they’d talk about it as something so fondly remembered to their kids. So I HAD to keep doing them. Wrong. I was throwing lunches together one morning as we were headed out the door (again, ignoring some of my own advice) and no one got a cute sandwich pig and no one got a note. And neither of them said a word about it. Was it a fluke? I simplified lunches the next day and the day after and literally haven’t heard a single thing about it. This is not an attack on those that go all out for things like lunches. If you love it, you do you. This is to simply point out that often when we’re so focused on “achieving” for achievement’s sake, we get wrapped up in things that don’t matter at all. Or ones we THINK will matter to our kids and they could not care less about them. So we’re running ourselves ragged, trying to wave our flag of, “Look!! I did it! I provided for my kids and I worked a full-time job and I was a great wife and I baked cookies for the bake sale! They were organic!” And we’re the only ones who care. What if, instead, we looked at our whole list and chose the things that a) really did make our kids feel loved b) made our spouse feel loved and appreciated the way they receive that kind of care and c) allowed us to show up as our best self. Ask your kids. Have conversations with your partner. Find out what really matters to them. Maybe your kids would prefer that you got to pick them up from school a couple days of week rather than be the room mom. Maybe your husband would much rather sit and have a conversation after dinner rather than you slaving over a home cooked meal and then having to do all the dishes together (even though you THOUGHT that’s what he wanted because that’s what his mom did.) If we’re trying to achieve simply for achievement’s sake, then we’ve missed the mark. We’re toiling in vain. Get back to your center points to really take a look at what means the most to you and go after THAT with all you’ve got. We talk a lot about our centered vision and how to make that happen in our lives in the Modern Mamas Club app –join us to see what it’s all about!

 Dr. Whitney talks with productivity expert, Brianna McKenizie, on how you can make yourself the most efficient possible (in very practical ways!) in order to get more accomplished in your day.

The busiest part of the year is here! Pumpkin spice everything, academics, athletics, and extracurricular activities are spinning us headlong into the new year; and oh yeah!- we still have to stay on top of our jobs. Add to this the draining reality of being an adult and mother living through unparalleled world events. We’re exhausted before we even get out of bed! We’ve been running on empty for a long time, and chances are, our quality of work may be reflecting that. All it takes is a crazy week in our personal lives to deplete our ability to put out fires at work. If you’re worn out and need some tactics in your back pocket to whip out when you just can’t handle another “I hope this finds you well” email, don’t despair! Communicate Your Needs The worst thing we can do is to keep our struggle to ourselves. We’ve been conditioned for decades by companies to push ourselves past our human capacities when it comes to our workload. While speaking up about our limits is still frowned upon, it’s important to let your people know! Speaking to your manager or peers at work about your burnout and your desire to find ways to keep supporting the team will go a long way. If those around you see a diminished output without understanding its cause, incorrect assumptions can follow. Before you bring things up, try to pinpoint the cause behind why you’ve become depleted. Are you a new mother trying to navigate the needs of your newborn while simultaneously returning to the demands of your work role? Have you been given the work of two people, and you’re running out of motivation to show up every day? If you can’t identify any one cause, it could be general post-pandemic fatigue that many of us are still experiencing. This just might be the underlying cause of your fatigue, lack of focus or even anger at your inability to keep up with your kids and work tasks like you used to. Anticipate It Once you’ve voiced your struggles, follow through with setting boundaries that you’ve agreed on with your management, peers, or employees. To help you keep these boundaries in place, do your best to get ahead of any problems that tend to regularly arise. Are you usually left alone to wrap up projects under a tight deadline? Are there seasons where your business experiences a higher volume of tasks and clients to help? Do your best to anticipate and put a plan of action in place to address these issues, but don’t get bogged down by the “what ifs”. Even the best planning can’t prevent a last-minute technical problem or a family illness that throws a hitch in your schedule. Redistribute The Workload Many of us have seen growth in our existing companies or started and grown our small businesses because of dissatisfaction with our previous employers. Growth is great and we want to see it, but with success also comes the potential for stress. To keep your workload manageable, work with your team to set realistic expectations. If for some reason you’re expected to take on more responsibilities, (we’re looking at you, record turnover rates ) ask if this will be a permanent addition to your job description going forward. Many times an increase in workload starts out as a temporary change but solidifies where it shouldn’t because the person handling the duties “makes it work” for so long. Management then assumes they have the bandwidth going forward to own those tasks. If this has happened to you, it might be necessary to have a conversation to renegotiate your salary. If you’re a small business owner, and you notice there is more work to go around than current employees can handle, hire temporary or full-time employees as necessary! This is especially important as we head into the holidays if you’re a part of any eCommerce or product-based business. Don’t let a lack of funds cause burnout in your team. Small business loans or  lines of credit for businesses can boost your bottom line, support demand, and keep your team well-staffed and happy. Tools that Lighten the Load We’ve all worked for companies that lag behind the times on tools and operations. The amount of extra work a lack of ingenuity causes can, and usually does, pile on stress – and possibly resentment among employees! There are many tools available to help streamline or even automate some processes that are time-sucks on your productivity. Some can even be used in a personal capacity to help you organize your family’s activities and household to-do lists. If you know you’re coming up on a project with low energy and motivation, try breaking down large tasks into manageable sub-tasks. It’s easy to get overwhelmed facing a large amount of work and procrastination can set in. Knowing why you procrastinate can also help you identify areas that need to be redistributed among your peers or employees. Oxygen Masks Every time we get on a plane we’re reminded when oxygen masks drop down, to put our mask on first, then help anyone sitting next to us to put on their mask. We often see ourselves as the capable adult in this analogy who needs to take care of ourselves so we can take care of others. But – what if sometimes we were the other person sitting in that airplane seat, unable to reach the mask, fumbling with our seat belt, terrified for our lives? These days, it takes more than a cup of tea and a hot bath to recharge from what life and work throw at us. As individuals vacate jobs to change careers or start their own ventures, the overwhelming theme is that people are asking for mental and emotional support, and for companies to just do better! Collectively, we’ve learned a lot about the importance of mental health and self-care in the last few years, but there is still a lot to unlearn from decades of being told that our best was never good enough. Sometimes we need someone to hand us the oxygen mask so we don’t have to spend hours of research trying to figure out how to pay for the mental health tools that our employers could often easily purchase and make available to us. Offering paid time off for doctors and counseling appointments, and the comprehensive healthcare plans that make those affordable is a huge draw for employees that have previously been treated like a commodity instead of a human with limits. If you run a business, give your employees the resources you would want, and if you’re an employee, gather like-minded peers to ask your HR department for help. Reach Out If you start your day already depleted from personal struggles, chances are someone else at your company is as well. Giving a tactful, but honest answer to “how’s your day going?” on a Zoom call can feel awkward, but another employee may hear that and finally acknowledge to themselves that they aren’t doing so hot themselves! Reach out to coworkers you know are struggling, or start a Slack channel for everyone to have a safe space where they can offer one another support when they need it. Knowing we’re not alone can make all the difference.

I know the “muchness” of summer can be a lot. Kids are home (or at least need someone watching them) basically all day. The house gets messier faster. Thousands of dollars are spent on Goldfish crackers and granola bars–only to find the wrappers in every room around the house. But, I gotta tell you, there’s at least some flexibility, right? Most days you don’t have to rush them out the door to get to the bus. No battles about what to wear or furiously packing lunches. Wanna wear your snow boots when it’s 102 outside? Go right ahead, kiddo. As hard as summer can be, those first few weeks of school can be BRUTAL. No one’s sleeping as much as they should because everyone got used to the loosey goosey bedtimes from the last few months. Mornings can be a battle because you have to be somewhere by an actual set time, and no one, I repeat NO ONE, likes making lunches. It’s the worst. But I’m vowing to make this year different. With all the systems and rhythms I’ve put in place over the last couple of years, I’m ready to take it on. This school year will not take me down and I’m gonna share with you my plan on how we’re going to rock this transition.  Pre-transition Week We all get wrapped up in what’s going to happen that first week of school, but honestly, if we want it to be successful, we’ve got to get started earlier. A couple weeks before school starts, we’ll start modeling our days towards what it will look like once it begins. I’m not saying that if your kids have been used to going to bed at 10pm and sleeping till noon that you should send them to bed at 7 and wake them up at 6. That’s a lose/lose for everyone. But because you’re a smart mama, you’ve started working ahead of time. So you can back that bedtime up 10-15 minutes every night until you’ve gotten them where you want them to be. And no more “waking up whenever you want.” Again, you don’t have to jump to 6am in one shot, but even waking them by 8 and telling them they have to get dressed every morning is going to be getting you on the right track. We also start adding in more routine and structure to their day that will help remind them that they’ve got a schedule to adhere to. Obviously this looks different with every kiddo at every age, but the whole idea is that they can ease back into the rhythms that they’ll be experiencing again soon. Transition Week I know most moms want to make most transitions or rights of passage into a big deal. And rightly so. Take the first day of school pictures. Write them notes in their lunch boxes. And then leave them the EFF alone. Even the most regulated kids will probably be overstimulated by the time they come home those first few weeks. Be prepared for the 3 o’clock crankies, mama: Resist the urge to ask them a million questions when they first walk in the door. Have a snack ready (no one is at their best when they’re hungry) and let them chiiiiill. Whatever you do, DO NOT schedule a million things that first week. No “First Friday of School party,” no family movie nights at the theater, and if you can avoid it, let's even have a moratorium on practices. Your kids will need rest and routine. You can thank me later. School Mornings Raise your hand if you’ve ever yelled, “PUT YOUR SHOES ON AND GET OUT THE DOOR!” twelve times in two minutes to your kids before leaving for school. Makes you feel like a greeeeat mom. Let’s talk about how to make school mornings not suck. Because they do. I’m saying this to myself as much as I am to you: preparation will be your biggest friend. In her book, “ The Lazy Genius Way: Embrace What Matters, Ditch What Doesn’t, and Get Stuff Done,” Kendra Adachi talks about the magic question: What can I do now to make life easier later? She applies this to all sorts of things like setting up your coffee the night before or creating a plan for your next day at work. Let’s ask ourselves this in terms of school mornings. What can I do now to make the school morning rush easier later? Go through your entire morning step by step and list all the things that could possibly make your mornings easier if they were already done. Here’s a few I’ve come up with: Water bottles filled and in the fridge or backpacks Lunches made Showers the night before Clothes chosen and laid out (down to socks, underwear, and shoes!) Backpacks located and cleaned out, ready by the door Breakfasts planned or even premade All papers that need signing, done and in folders (and put in backpacks!) Coffee prepped and ready to go Can you imagine if you didn’t have to worry about any of these things at 6am when EVERYONE is more on edge? And most of these would take maaaaybe 20 minutes the night before to get them ready but will save you SO much emotional energy and hassle the next morning. You also need to take a look at your kids' responsibilities vs yours. If you’re in charge of literally everything, you’re going to be a mess. What skills can you work on in those pre-transition weeks that will make your kids’ (and your!) lives easier? Shoe tying, jacket zipping, even putting things in backpacks. I’ve been known to lose my mind because my kid cannot put her lunchbox in her backpack in less than 39 minutes. But when you look at those skills in those earlier weeks, you’re able to take the time to slow down and teach them, rather than act like a crazy person in the moment (not that I know anything about that.) This back to school season can be rough. But it can also be really good. If you want to link arms with other mamas walking through the same things, download the Modern Mamas Club App in the Apple App Store today to join our great community!

Over the last couple of weeks, we’ve been talking about how we, as moms, have too much damn stuff on our plates. Some of that is our own fault because we just can’t seem to say no. Some of it has been hoisted on us by societal bias and old-fashioned gender roles that we just can’t shake. Either way, our plates are full. Plural plates. Because one wasn’t enough to handle it all. We’ve talked about what happens when we try to take it all on ourselves , how to divide up the decision making in your house , and ways we can actually give our kids tasks off our list (spoiler alert: it’s not another chore chart.) This week I want to chat about making the things that are STILL on our plate a lot simpler. Let’s talk about ways you can automate some of your tasks so that you can spend way less brain power and energy on them, giving you more margin for the things that actually light you up. Here’s the thing though: I can’t give you a list of 10 things you need to start automating, because everyone’s lives are so different from each other. Our capacities, families, and personalities are all unique. So the thing that drives me up a wall whenever I have to do it (or forget about it until it’s too late!) could be an absolute nothing task to you. And the thing that gets you really stuck in your week could be something that comes naturally to me. So before I give you some ideas on things you can automate, we have to dig a bit deeper to know WHY we want to automate them in the first place. We want to look at things on our to-do list that HAVE to be done, but not necessarily by you. The things that we dread doing because they’re just obnoxious or feel like a time waster. Find the things that are stressing you out the most and look for ways to hand that off to someone else. It’s either not a stress for them or it’s their job to do it. Meet Renae Her problem: She’s a mom of 4 boys who are all in sports Monday-Friday. One of the things that triggered that feeling of “you’re a horrible wife/mom” was when her family didn’t have the laundry they needed. Whether it was her son’s uniform left in the washing machine too long so it smelled like a sour dog, her husband having to pull his wrinkly work shirt out of a pile of other clean clothes left for weeks, or having to give the sniff test to find the “least dirty” pair of socks to send her kid to school, laundry was making her miserable. Her solution: She found a local laundromat that had a laundry drop-off + folding service (YES! There’s such a thing!), so now she spends $45 every week and picks up her practically bow-wrapped laundry. All she has to do is set it in the drawers. Sure, she could have tried another laundry system. She could have made her boys responsible for their own laundry. But what she wanted was something that she didn’t have to think about AT ALL. Now they have one hamper for their family of 6 and once a week she drops the laundry off on her way to work. That’s what made the most sense for her. Meet Tina Her problem: She really wants to make healthy meals and snacks for her family but works long hours, so she has no time to start from zero when she gets home from work. She was spending waaaay too much time prepping and chopping. Her solution: Instead of whole, uncut veggies, she pays the (very small) price increase to only buy pre-chopped veggies so she’s already ahead of the game when it comes to dinner. For her family, a pricey meal service was out of the question, so she wanted to try something else. She knew if she could save that first 20 minutes of prep work each time, she could definitely get things on the table in under 30 minutes. Meet Tonya Her problem: The clutter in her house was getting out of control. And it wasn’t that they had too much stuff, she was actually very minimalistic. It was that things weren’t getting put back where they belong. When she looked at what her biggest trigger was, she realized she was walking past 8 different pairs of shoes…and they were only a family of 3. No one EVER wanted to walk upstairs to put their shoes away and they definitely couldn’t remember where they left them when it was time to go anywhere. Her solution: A simple shoe basket. Right by the front door so that you practically couldn’t get to the next room without stepping over it. All the shoes were contained, less dirt was spread around the house, and there was no more “Mom, have you seen my cleats?!” 5 minutes after they were already supposed to be out the door. Automation doesn’t have to be expensive or some uber fancy system. It can be the smallest shift that allows your brain to not have to be consumed by the thing that’s stressing you out.

Let me paint a picture for you: You walk in the house after a reeeeally long day from work, exhausted. On your way home, you picked up the kids from the sitter and your husband’s dry cleaning. In the car, you already practiced spelling words with your oldest and counseled your youngest through kindergarten friend drama. Now that you’re home, you get them started on their homework and go to sit on the couch. That’s when you take in the wreckage that has become your house as the kids got ready for school this morning. How is it possible for four humans to make such a mess in a house that they spend so little time in? Your partner walks through the door and says, “Sorry I’m late. Some of the guys from the office went out for a beer after work. What’s for dinner?” Do you: A) calmly point to the chart you made on the wall that says it’s actually his night to make dinner B) tell him that you’re not his mom and if he wants something in particular he can make it himself c) fly into a blind rage and smother him with a pillow If I’m honest, I used to be a LOT more B and C and not so much any A. What about you? Do any of those sound familiar? Maybe you, like I was, are a chronic take-everything-on-yourselfer. As moms, there’s a LOT on our shoulders. Some of it was put there by society but some of it’s there simply because we haven’t asked anyone else to take it. And that’s what I wanna chat about for the next few weeks: why are moms shouldering SO much of the parental load, what happens in us and in our families when we feel the effects of it, and what we should do about it. Moms who are taking on a disproportionate amount of responsibility in their homes and in their families end up feeling a lot of the same things: resentment, high anxiety, like they could flip their lid with their husband or kids at just about any moment, angry aaaalll the time. We basically feel stretched way too thin and mad that no one else sees that. Over the next few weeks we’re going to talk about ways we can help alleviate some of that by getting our kids and partners involved and by automating as much as we can in our lives. But before all of that, we have to take a look at WHY we’re in this mess. Why have we allowed ourselves to dig this hole (or be put into it?) and are so afraid to ask for help getting out of it? I think it’s for a couple of reasons: one, we’re afraid of looking like we can’t do it all…which we can’t–at least not well! But we don’t want anyone to see underneath this facade of looking like we can do it all. So we don’t ask for help from our kids or partners, and CERTAINLY not from any other moms. Because then the jig would be up and they’d be in on our little secret. I think we’re also afraid of letting go of control . What would happen if we didn’t take care of all the things? Maybe you’ve seen the evidence of what happens when you ask your husband to grocery shop for you. Or ask your kids to clean their bathroom. I pushed against it for SO long because I knew it was gonna be a long time before all of those things were either done “my” way or until I was mature enough to just not care about it. When we choose to put ourselves on mom-island all by ourselves, we convince ourselves it’s the only way to do it. The only way things will actually get done, that your kids will go to school with clean, matching clothes, and that you won’t have to run around fixing all the fires. But what you’re doing now isn’t any better. You’re constantly feeling pulled in a million directions, trying to do it all, and feeling undervalued for the weight that you’re carrying. —And of course we know there’s societal pressures and biases out there. As much as we’d like to be strong feminist women, sometimes we find ourselves just falling into typical gender roles without much thought. Or listening to the pressures and biases of society that tell us if our house isn’t perfectly cleaned, our kids aren’t perfectly behaved, and we don’t have home-cooked meals on the table every night (cooked by us, obviously) that we are doing something wrong as women and as moms. What I want you to know is that it doesn’t have to be this way. It can feel waaaaay easier to get things done and still have free time. To have less guilt about dropping balls. To show up as the mom you want to be. We talk a lot about this in the Modern Mamas Club app. Like a loooot a lot. Head over here to check it out!

Between all of the “shadow” tasks like the ones I listed above that just get added onto our plates and follow us around until they’re done and the rise of every new piece of technology that wants to hook us in, most of us are in a pretty big energy valley. Our attention is just pulled in too many places.

Every year, I have several different invitations come my way that are for various fundraisers. You get a ton of them as a doctor, but especially as a pediatrician, we are hit with a looooot. Because there are SO many worthy causes out there involving kids. And I wish I could give, participate, and bring awareness to every single one of them. And for a long time, it bothered me when I couldn’t. Knowing that there were kids going untreated “because of me” made me sick. But I’ve come to realize that A) it wouldn’t be financially responsible for me to give to each one. That would be detrimental to my family and our financial health and B) it doesn’t reflect negatively on my character or my worth as a doctor if I only give to those organizations that are closest to my heart and I feel like I can really be useful to. I wanna talk about the last corner of our Centered Vision (which is a circle…but we’re talking about the things that are outside that, in the box of Life. Confused? Start here. ) We’ve talked about The Non-Negotiables, The Swappables, The Contaminators, and this week we’re talking about The Heartstrings. Heartstrings are tasks that are actually important to you, whether it’s because you have to do them or even want to do them, but they still are outside that circle containing your ultimate vision for your life. These are things like calling your grandparents, making (and then actually going to!) healthcare appointments, and that trip to your in-laws (this might feel more like a Contaminator to you 🤣). The number one piece of advice I can tell you about how to handle heartstrings is with strong and clear boundaries. Having those in place actually helps protect those relationships and keeps them in a healthy place. You call your grandma every Sunday at 11am. It’s a time that is usually pretty chill in your house and you know she’s home until 12. You LOVE talking to your grandma. It’s such a sweet hour of your week that really does light you up and you know it’s special to her too. You’re so grateful that you get that time. What happens when you find out your cousin actually talks to her a few times a week? Or your mom says that she’d actually love to hear from you more? If you aren’t really careful, it can turn into a competition OR sour the time that normally love. Having healthy boundaries lets you say, “I really enjoy our Sunday calls so much!” without a hint of guilt. Boundaries allow you to keep looking forward to that time with zero resentment. What about setting your dentist appointments? How do boundaries affect that? Well you’re actually setting clear boundaries with yourself. When you decide that you can cancel the appointment because you’re too busy at work, you’re speaking into that self-fulfilling prophecy that you aren’t worth taking care of. That all your worth is found in your productivity. Trips to the in-laws can be/need to be fuuuuuull of healthy boundaries. Going for the amount of days that feel like a blessing and not a burden allows you to really feel like you can be present the entire time. Saying, “We’re so thankful for your hospitality, but we are actually going to stay at a hotel,” allows you to have a space to reset each day so that your entire family gets the best version of you. Heartstrings are in your life for a reason: they’re important to you. But so is eating cookies. Both things are better when you’ve got really healthy boundaries in place so you can reeeeeally enjoy them.

Last week, I ran into a work acquaintance and we exchanged the usual pleasantries: Them: Hey, how are you? Me: Good! Busy, but good! I’m past the point in my life where I wore busyness as a badge of honor. I used to think if I wasn’t busy, I wasn’t being productive. And if I wasn’t productive, then I clearly wasn’t worth much. Now, I can see that being busy just means I really don’t have my priorities set. Because being “busy” feels out of control for me. So when “busy, but good” flew out of my mouth, it made me want to take a step back and look at what was making me feel “busy” and I had a feeling it wasn’t going to be because I was on the Peloton too much or playing with my kids too many hours or pouring into my patients and those I mentor at the clinic. Those are all things I love and would honestly be perfectly happy being “busy” with those filling my schedule. More than likely, my schedule was getting creeped in by The Contaminators. The tasks or commitments that fill your schedule but aren’t really necessary. They eat up your time and your family’s time, keeping you unnecessarily busy. This could be things like taking on that extra committee at work because you know it prob won’t happen without you. Or volunteering to chaperone your kid’s field trip even though you know it’s going to majorly put you behind schedule at your job. Or taking hand-me-downs from your sister-in-law knowing there’s really good stuff in there but that it will take you a whole Saturday to go through. Here’s the deal. Last week we looked at The Swappables , the things that have to get done but not necessarily by you. And we talked about how even with things that are outside your Centered Vision, you still get to decide where your energy goes. You get to decide what’s important. That means you get to decide what fills your time. What’s more important to you–spending a whole day going through clothes and finding some great stuff for your kids or saying, “No thanks! We’re set!” and spending an hour at Target when it’s time to fill their closets? What’s your tradeoff…time or money? Let’s look at chaperoning that field trip. Spend time with your kiddo at their very favorite museum OR keep plugging along on a project coming due soon. Either option is 100000% okay to choose, but the beauty (or the curse!) is that you get to be the one decide what is going to the better option. You’re in control to decide if you’d rather pull some super late nights knowing you’re making a memory with your kid. But you’re also in control (and have every right) to decide that it would be better for everyone if you weren’t a crazy stress ball and spending 1:1 time is a better choice. But Dr. Whitney, what if it’s not commitments? What if it’s stuff that’s eating up my time? You can do everything in your power to make your weekdays as smooth as possible and then BAM the weekend hits and all you’re doing is picking up after your kids and trying not to lose your ish when they get something else out to play with. The struggle is reeeeeal. First, go listen to our podcast episode with Allie Casazza. She’ll inspire you and give some really practical advice on how to shift that in your home. Because clutter doesn’t just affect you when you can’t find that special stuffed animal at bedtime or when you’re doing the “closet shove” before your in-laws come over (you know the one I’m talking about.) Clutter affects people physically. It literally raises your cortisol levels and messes.you.up. But it takes WORK to climb out of that hamster wheel. This is another place where you get to decide. Which “uncomfortable” do you want to avoid? Weekend after weekend of feeling like you can never truly relax because there’s ALWAYS something to pick up or clean? Or busting your butt for a few weeks to really knock out what’s been weighing you down. I know which one I would choose, but you get to decide for you! The Contaminators fill your time, space, and energy when they really don’t have to. You get the final say as to what that looks like, mama. If, at the end of the day, you did a whole helluva lot, but all you have to show for it is a migraine headache, a house full of crap that doesn’t serve you, and a Best Girl Scout Mom badge, is it really worth it?

In 1986, Janet Jackson had a song called “Control” with this lyric in it: "I don’t wanna rule the world, just wanna run my life. "  Oh man, I don’t know if a song lyric has ever perfectly described me as much as that one 🤣 This month we’re talking about the 4 things we’ve identified that lie outside our circle that holds our Centered Vision of our life and today we’re talking about The Swappables. These are tasks that have to get done, but they don’t serve you and don't have to be done BY you. They can either be delegated to someone else or completely automated. These are things like paying bills, grocery shopping, and yard work. And I think one of the biggest reasons that we have such a hard time finding systems to deal with The Swappables is because we’re all really Janet Jackson at heart: we don’t want to be in charge of EVERYTHING, but we most definitely want our hand in all the things that affect us. Sure, it sounds dreamy to be able to hand all of the meal planning, grocery shopping, and meal prep off to your partner. But when he comes home with the wrong kinda crackers that you know your two-year-old isn’t gonna eat, is it gonna turn you all dark and twisty inside? That’s what I thought. When we came up with our centered vision and all the points within it, we were deciding on what mattered most to us. Where we wanted to focus our time, energy, and resources. We can actually do that same thing on those things outside the circle. And that allows us to loosen the grip of control on the things that still affect us day to day. Let’s stick with looking at grocery shopping and meals. What’s the biggest sticking point with you about this? Is it that you have a hard time coming up with recipes but love to actually get into the kitchen and get your hands dirty? There’s services like Emeals that let you choose from a bazillion plans and then send your weekly list to things like instacart and all you have to do is prep and cook! But if your time at the grocery store is your sanctuary, find one that just gives you the lists! Or if you simply don’t have the time or patience for any of it, check out any of the MAAAANY meal subscription services out there. Here are a few we love: Thistle Sunbasket Daily Harvest None of these answers are better than the other, but it comes down to where your priority lies for you and your family. Take a look at what time and energy sucks exist in your week and decide WHY it makes you feel the way it does. There are creative ways to delegate or automate just about every task out there. I have a girlfriend who has a teen in her neighborhood who puts her trash cans on the curb and takes her trash cans in at night for $5/month. She says it’s the best $5 she spends each month and it’s saved COUNTLESS fights in her house because no one is woken up out of a dead sleep at 6am by the sound of the truck coming down the road and has to throw on pants to make it outside on time. And it’s not just for those seemingly small (but kinda annoying) things either. It can be for really big, mega important things. Things like our finances, working through a stressful relationship or even helping our kids develop their social and emotional skills (I delegated mine to a robot.) And this is not just for the upper or middle class either. At MMD we’re all about acknowledging that everyone comes from different backgrounds, but we’re all responsible for our own lives. If you can’t afford a meal service, think about how you can get really intentional about the time you spend on this task? I’m all about simplicity. What if you had a 14 meal rotation that you worked your way through every 2 weeks? Or even 5-7 every week? If Mark Zuckerburg wears the same outfit everyday to cut down on decision fatigue, my kids can eat spaghetti every Monday. When we live a Centered Life fueled by our centered vision, we GET to be just as choosy about where we spend our time and energy in the things that bring us aaaaalll the joy as well as the things that we can’t wait to get through.

Here at Modern Mommy Doc, we talk about living a Centered Life a loooot. Like, if you haven’t heard us talk about it lately, you’re probably not paying attention (or ya know, you’re just living your life 😉) I see living your Centered Life as the answer to so many questions and the remedy to most sticking points working moms will face. And it would be so much simpler to live that life if we didn’t have to deal with…well, life! Just like parenting would be so easy if it wasn’t for those damn kids, right? But we’re not living our life in a bubble. We can’t just be all, “This is my vision board for my life. Now I’m gonna go live it.” There’s still responsibilities and ish that has to get done. So this month we’re gonna look at all the things that HAVE to happen, but don’t necessarily fit within your specific vision and how to deal with them. We’re talking tasks, responsibilities, and obligations. All the fun stuff. This month we’ll look at The Swappables, The Contaminators, and The Heartstrings, and today we’ll start with The Non-negotiables. Non-negotiables are the things that only you can do. It doesn’t matter if you find them enjoyable or not — the fact is YOU have to do them. For me, those things look like documenting patient notes at my office, answering personal emails, or breastfeeding. As much as I’ve tried to outsource it to my husband, he just didn’t produce enough milk. Plus, his nipple hair was really bothering the baby. The biggest thing to remember with Non-negotiables is the same thing we tell our kids about doing their homework or eating vegetables: this process will go so much faster and will be easier for everyone involved if you can try to have a good attitude about it. I’m not talking about toxic and unrealistic positivity (“I’m SO grateful there’s pee all over this toilet when I clean it, because it reminds me that my children have healthy bodies.” No. Hard pass.) But when we go into something that we know isn’t our favorite and aaaalll we’re doing is reminding ourselves of all the reasons we hate it, it makes that task infinitely more terrible. Here’s one way you can try to remedy it: go through your list of Non-Negotiables and see if you can create a habit around one by linking it with something that you DO enjoy. Clearing out that inbox? Do it with a glass of your favorite wine in hand. Breastfeeding? Make that the only time you’re reading that trash novel on your phone. Or you could try turning it into a ritual that brings some form of joy or comfort. For instance, teachers have to grade homework and I don’t think I’ve ever met one who got into teaching because they were excited to grade papers on their nights at home. But what if everytime you had papers to grade, you put on your softest jammies and got to sit in your favorite spot in the house? Then you at least got to be cozy while you work through that stack of papers. Lastly, with Non-Negotiables, you’ve gotta schedule it. It’s actual science that our brain will try to run away and avoid things that will cause us pain–even if that pain is just boredom. We can find every reason why we should be doing something else, ANYTHING else. If I’m not careful, I can be the QUEEN of avoiding a task for weeeeeeks that would actually take me a solid 20 minutes to accomplish. But when it’s on my calendar, I know when it’s coming up and I know that when my designated time is up, I can move onto something else (but don’t forget to schedule another time to finish whatever isn’t done!) The Non-Negotiables aren’t something we love to do, by definition. Otherwise they’d probably be inside that circle. But when you can approach them with a different attitude, pair it with something else, and get it on your calendar, they’ll start to suck just a little less. And that’s how I’ll know I’ve done my job.

As working moms, we know the importance of efficiency in our days, right? We know that we have a limited amount of working hours (that could get cut down at any moment if a kiddo gets sick) so we have to make sure that we’re using them wisely.

I wanted to make sure that I recorded an episode that was for those moms who are in the actual physical brick and mortar (or virtual) workplace. This is for those of you who have a traditional boss — the ones that have to show up at work at a certain time, and that don't get to always choose all of the parameters of work for themselves, the ones whose lives are dictated the majority of the working hours by somebody else.

This episode is all about how to automate and how to delegate as a working mom. We're going to get to the heart of the issue, because I think a lot of efficiency or business experts talk about productivity, efficiency, automating, and delegating, kind of all in that same vein of finding trusted people that you can train and then handing things off to them and really letting it go to those people. I think that's really, really important.

I was having a GOOD Saturday. I woke up early and got in a walk before my girls were awake. I had already been to the Farmer’s Market for some delicious produce. And I had cleaned my house from top to bottom. I was just about to sit down and have a minute to myself when I saw it.